Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

And a new chapter in my life begins, I have made many of the last attempts I’m am going to make for a very long time. The next eight months I’m going to do my best to move on because I won’t be asking any questions until the promised time. I’m done. True Color’s were always shown despite the years false promises. That’s always the way. It’s only been 19 years since everything turned to ash for the last time. Not my choice and not my decisions. I just had to go into Phoenix mode and do what I always do and dance in the flames and be reborn. You know there is a difference between silence and anger. But at the end of the day all I want is peace in my life and if that means I have to completely ignore someone because of her fucking actions I can drop you cold like you never existed. I don’t play games like I’m a child anymore and I don’t do fucking drama. I don’t cause my own and I wouldn’t bring it to your doorstop the way you did mine either.  But agian, one of us needs to fucking grow u

I enjoy my life and live, I’m not miserable and I don’t have drama in my life. I don’t have to look over my shoulder and second guess everything. I’m just happy and I’m at peace, so I just live. I have fun with those I care about and I see where life takes me. That’s all I need.

I’m not the one that cheated. I’m only the villain in your story because that’s how you justify it. I know at some level that you care about my feelings because you hide the knife now, but your unintentional behaviours still fucking hurt me. You always make me out to be the villain and the bad guy when it’s you’re choices that are digging the hole. That’s fine. I like being the bad guy. Means I don’t have to make excuses when the time comes. The villain is always the more interesting character anyways. Oh, and I am a very interesting character. Or have you forgotten.  There’s not even angry anymore, just an apathy, and a little sadness that you are still the person that you are. That’s ok, I’m not the person I was. At least one of us showed improvement. I just had to lose everything multiple times first. That’s all on you.  Now I won’t let you in enough for that to happen and I’m perfectly happy with that situation. These walls have been built by pain for decades. You turned the boy th

I’m not a complete idiot, just a mostly Idiot. Certain behaviours only present when you have someone in your life and you are trying to keep up appearance’s. I wish you could be honest with me but I know you can’t. And I think all I am to you in this life now is an afterthought. You don’t care about my feelings. I didn’t know I had any feelings. You don’t care about how your actions and behaviours affect me or him, you just care about the moment and immediate gratification. Meanwhile I’m not the miserable one with drama and rumours in my life. I grew up a long time ago. You forced me to. You have never and will never grow up.  I may be done fighting but I’m also not a fucking fool. At least this time it wasn’t a fools errand. It’s always worth it to try. But it wasn’t the only reason I went to the tower and it was fun anyways.  But I wish you would be honest and not lie to me, esp around the holidays. But I think you are so lost inside yourself that you don’t know how to do that anymor

It’s been a long time since you were a person that I merely cared enough about to simply not want you to stop breathing. However with each following disappointment from every damn attempt I ever make. I’m convinced that it is easier for me to fly solo on my path and consider you dead and gone anyways. There are days I think all I am is your albatross.  And you’ve placed that around my neck because it’s all that you have left to hold onto. That’s unfair. You had and made your choice. Now I’m the least worse option and you’re keeping me on fucking standby? Homie don’t play dat.  I tried, I tried for you and I tried for my kid. I always answer the phone and I always listen, but I wish you would understand how much of that is based on a promise and why I can’t never not answer. But that would require you to be empathetic and actually care about my fucking feelings. I didn’t know I had any feelings. They usually get so buried within that I don’t reveal any of my playing cards. I think I may

There are few days I am truly at peace with you. Today is one of them. I truly don’t want to ever fight agian with you. But I will always leave the door open on Christmas Day. This is one of our only good moments. No one can take that away. The door is open figuratively and physically. I am here. I’m not going anywhere. Dinner is offered as well. You may get my peace today, even when there are times that I am angry. But that has more to do with him than it will ever do with you. I just don’t want to fight our never ending battle on the one day of the year when someone else matters more. I’ll make this offer every fucking year if I have to. It will always be peace. It will always mean more than you and I.  And that’s the problem it always should have meant more than you and I. But those were you’re Choices. Not mine.  The reservation is booked, it’s your decision whether or not you show up.  That’s your decison, mine is to always try. No matter what it costs me. That’s what you do when

Has anything you've done made your life better? No one is going to save you except for yourself. It doesn’t matter if I keep a hand in your life or I don’t. All of these people you reach out for help it doesn’t matter unless you change you’re behaviour and have a valid and not toxic support system. But that begins and ends with me and only me. And you fucking know it.  Why do you think you’re always drawn to coming back to me, all you are is an anchor in my life. The only reason I ever chose to settle down and be an adult. That didn’t work out but whatever. A boy can dream. But you trust the advice of others over your heart and not what’s real. And look at your empire of shit, what have you accomplished in this life.  I have lived, you simply live. That’s the difference between us. I do epic shit because it’s a new challenge just to fucking do it. You trust professionals and psychologist and psychotherapists and all that shit. I learned at an early age never to trust that shit and

  It’s still the same old chess games, only difference is the rules have changed slightly and at this point in my life I am both willing to walk away because it’s stalemate or stick around for the eventual black queens checkmate. I have a few moves left, and none of them are out of anger but I think that a few more moves will be all I have left. You no longer hold any kind of hold on me and stay static in my life because I have other responsibilities, but I am starting to reconsider who and what I am in terms of you, him and those other responsibilities. I can grow numb and broken again and I will not care. You’ve seen me cold and heartless at my worst once. But never towards you. It was only ever anger. But I can walk away permanently from everything I’ve ever known, I have done in multiple times in my life, I’m not stranger to it. I’ll walk away again if I have to. I can’t change the game, but I can change the expectations of the game. That’s what I am considering right now. Making a

Guess you’re all grown up now. One bonus you’re decisions will be all your own now. I tried kid, just like I have for the past 4 years and even before that. I will always try. There’s a few more things left in my bag of tricks before I’ve exhausted all the options.  But today is your day, your gifts are here. You’re dad is here. You are loved. You always will be and I will always be here when and if you need me.  I just hope you had fun and had a good 20th birthday. We’ll save our moment for later. But it’s there.  Happy birthday, Son.

All I ever wanted was one fucking moment. Just one. That’s all I ever asked you for.  That’s all we ever needed. It isn’t just about the two of us. There are three of us. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll walk away forever. But we owe the child we never had any moments together with one fucking moment.  That’s the only reason I keep trying.  One day you will wake up, one day you will grow up and realize all of that. And what you destroyed and what you have fucking lost. I just hope I’m still standing and not a corpse when that moment comes.    All I ever wanted was to give you beautiful moment. One you deserved. One just as much as for me as for him. Validation that you were the one woman in the world I loved the most. But you have to make it about you first. Everything is to your agenda and on your timeline. I’m sick of it.  He deserved his moment too. A moment you constantly deny for selfish fucking reasons. You talk a lot of pretty words but that’s all you fucking do.  One day I will fad

I always thought I couldn’t live up to your expectations but the reality is that you cannot and could never live up to mine. You’re life choices not mine created this monster. And while we have moments, we are still exactly where we need to be in this life right now. I may make actions to change that. But, you gotta meet me half way. I won’t always make the effort. And you wonder why I don’t fight. I fought you enough. I had to take the knife in my back and turn it into a motivational weapon how many times in my life? To finish college? To finish or at least attempt to finish university? To fight you in court? To fight for a minimum wage job where my skills were never appreciated and all I had was my child on the weekend I had off? To fight when I had nothing left and almost killed myself? I chose to stop fighting in 2019.I made peace with the fact neither of you were ever going to be in my life agian. Yet in 2020 I got angry agian, and because of that you have your ring. But all I hav