I’m not the one that cheated. I’m only the villain in your story because that’s how you justify it. I know at some level that you care about my feelings because you hide the knife now, but your unintentional behaviours still fucking hurt me. You always make me out to be the villain and the bad guy when it’s you’re choices that are digging the hole.
That’s fine. I like being the bad guy. Means I don’t have to make excuses when the time comes. The villain is always the more interesting character anyways. Oh, and I am a very interesting character. Or have you forgotten.
There’s not even angry anymore, just an apathy, and a little sadness that you are still the person that you are. That’s ok, I’m not the person I was. At least one of us showed improvement. I just had to lose everything multiple times first. That’s all on you.
Now I won’t let you in enough for that to happen and I’m perfectly happy with that situation. These walls have been built by pain for decades. You turned the boy that you loved into the monster you alternatively need and still fear. I’ve always been fine being both.
But you’ve always known the rules and conditions and only one of us can hold our head high and walk away. And you and I both know it isn’t you.
There are reasons I intentionally ignore you now. You simply are not an ongoing factor in my life. You’re actions then and now chose that not me. Period.
I’m not the one that still has relationship drama at almost fifty years of age. When and if that happens I drop that person like a yesterdays news. I’ve done it before. I’ve even done it to you. When I say no fucks given, what part of that doesn’t include you?
One of us needs to grow up and guess what it isn’t me. I always thought it was me, but it wasn’t. It was always you. That’s the fucking problem. You act like a child with no morals or responsibilities sexually and blame other people when you’re world goes to hell. Meanwhile I have to be a good person. You and I know that runs contrary to my nature. I ignore you and walk away because you don’t want to be on my bad side. My anger and tempter outweighs any positives from being the constant in your life.
The only thing is that I recognize that and I will walk tf away before I let you allow to become hostile agian, towards you or anyone involved in your drama.
I just don’t care it’s easier.
I will never let bar scene drama from when I was 24 affect me the way it still affects you. Hell I didn’t even bother with it when I was 43 and she was a lot younger than you. I just walk away and I don’t care. I owe that girl an apology tho. She was a better person than you will ever claim to be.
Just because I stay quiet and neutral when it comes to the drama in your life doesn’t mean I don’t care, I’m just sick of putting my hand in and being torched by the fucking flames. One day it will end and you successfully scare me away agian. And on that day I will no longer give a fuck. Ever.
I think that’s the natural order of things. Hating you and having my own life is simpler. Loving you has always been the cross I’ll end up crucified on. You’ll betray me anyways.
Im sick of being your Favourite target when you’re upset. And being the one you run to when to when you create your own drama.
We ended more than once. Always your choice and always your actions. It doesn’t matter how hard I try. Why do u fucking think that I’ve never offered the ring? You haven’t earned it yet. Im starting to believe that you never will.
I can’t keep taking scraps from your table when you’re lonely or frustrated and thinking that’s real love. It was once. But I don’t know if it is anymore. I think I’m just a means to an end at some point in your life, and it’s not now. You just keep me hanging because one day no one else will want you and you’re counting on my on undying love and our blood tie to be there for you. I wish I could tell you that isn’t true. But you are right… I will be there. But it will likely be with gritted teeth.
You can only hurt me so much. I’m always expecting another knife. It’s constantly coming even when we are at peace. It’s your actions ms behaviours and not mine. It was never mine. You destroyed me and i forgave it. What for? To have nothing at the end? To merely survive. To have you in my life but not really. If you were any other girl you’d be long gone. History. A past life.
I don’t care. Soon I won’t care at all. It will be gone. I’ll be gone. You’ve decided that not me. That’s simply where we stand.
I am no longer a good man. You ruined that. That boy that loved you twenty plus years ago, he was a good man. Now I am simply the demon you always wanted me to be. I guess in my anger I’ll have to live up to expectations because we both know who and what you are. And I don’t have to feel guilty about that fact anymore.
I am never getting married and that ring is just simply a piece of glass that’s a relic and a reliquary that meant something once upon a time and now it’s just the albatross around my neck I always expected it to be. I should have just tossed it in the river like the other one.
You were always the evil one. And you were always the loser. Check mate. You’re games over.
I’m done. This chapter is over. I gave you another chance much longer than I should have. I’m sick of being patient. Patience is a sin not a virtue and either way, it’s not part of my character. I’d rather be angry and bitter. That’s the spirit animal that suits me better. Chaos.
It’s been 19 years you know exactly what you took away. I’m no longer feeling forgiveness. You may earn it one day. But this last year I gave you patience and peace and all you fed me was betrayal. Again.
That’s the difference in our characters. I will always be a better person than you. And it’s not my choices and behaviours that have established that. It’s yours. I’ve just done the best with the shitty cards I’ve been given.
But only one of us can hold our head up high and say we tried. And it wasn’t and isn’t you.
You were always the liar and the manipulator. And it shouldn’t matter to me that you’re world and his his crumbled into dust. But while I feel for his world. You deserve every second of your misery. The fact I do want to fix that for you speaks to the kind of man I am. The kind of man you needed but the fact is you forgot to give me that chance. You’ll never find what you’re looking for, because it’s right in front of your fucking face.
The problem is that your just going to end up stabbing with one too many knives and I’ll walk the fuck away, and it will be forever. Trust is eroded. You’re love hangs barely by a thread. I remember how easy it was to hate you, I have no fucking problem going back to that. Just prove yourself. It’s expected.
I lost you once. Now I don’t know if I will care if I lose you again. But once it’s permanent again. I will never fucking look back. You won’t be mourned. One day all of this will likely be revealed as one great big mind fuck.
You destroyed my life, all I ever wanted to be was happy with you. And you keep coming back to destroy whatever happiness I have. It’s a good thing that none of that depends on you now.
He’s 20, he can find me on his own when he’s ready. If I’m still around.
You chose to hurt me constantly and yet I always answer the phone. I’m some kind of idiot for doing that. The problem was always you, it was never me. I am the better person and I always will be. It took me forever to realize that. But I’m done punishing myself for your failures. You destroyed me, and you destroyed yourself. My actions never did that.
All I ever wanted was to love you, but that in itself is why the never ending knife in my back. You don’t know how to be loved.
You actions betrayed you. I never did.
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