Skip to main content

Red Water (Christmas Mourning) IV



It’s been a long time since you were a person that I merely cared enough about to simply not want you to stop breathing. However with each following disappointment from every damn attempt I ever make. I’m convinced that it is easier for me to fly solo on my path and consider you dead and gone anyways. There are days I think all I am is your albatross.  And you’ve placed that around my neck because it’s all that you have left to hold onto. That’s unfair. You had and made your choice. Now I’m the least worse option and you’re keeping me on fucking standby? Homie don’t play dat. 


I tried, I tried for you and I tried for my kid. I always answer the phone and I always listen, but I wish you would understand how much of that is based on a promise and why I can’t never not answer. But that would require you to be empathetic and actually care about my fucking feelings. I didn’t know I had any feelings. They usually get so buried within that I don’t reveal any of my playing cards.


I think I may be on my last hand. And it’s aces and eights. The table was set for four. 


This isn’t about victory anymore. You already won a long long time ago. This was just about our son and being a family one last time. You’re actions will always speak much much louder than words. I’m a possession, just like him.


The saddest thing this year. I never expected you to show up. But I really really hoped that you would. 


But it’s just another move in our life long chess game. You can’t lose, and I won’t let you win. It’s always been about the queens gambit. So we remain stalemated. Forever. 


Your actions  proved that it’s all talk. Smoke and mirrors. I had fun anyways. You weren’t what was missing at Christmas dinner and you never will be. I may love you, and I have to live with that albatross around my neck for the rest of my life that it’s complicated. But I love him without question, I always will he’s my son. But it’s your choices. Remember that the one morning when I don’t pick up the phone.


There is no magic to my life anymore. I go to Niagara every time trying to recapture some of that and everytime I come home feeling defeated. One day I will quit trying. Soon.


I tried kid. I will always try to do the right thing for you. But it’s not my selfish decisions that take these epic moments away from us. 


Merry Christmas. I love you both. Hope you’re having a good holiday. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
Post a Comment
Read more

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else.  This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.
Post a Comment
Read more

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over.  All of our moments are over.  I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts.  I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...
Post a Comment
Read more