Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I’m not there. Maybe for the anniversary. Maybe for Christmas. Maybe next year. But I’m not there today. I want to be. But I never expected after all these years, and especially all the work put in the last five years, to be this fucking angry with each other still on your fiftieth birthday, yes, I do love you, I’ll observe in it in my special way. Yes, I’ll take that phone call today and send the usual message.  But I have no intentions of being where I should be agian, we aren’t there yet. I don’t want to ruin your special day with false hope. We aren’t there yet. So I’m not there. I’m beginning to wonder if we will ever be there. Maybe it’s better if we are not.  That being said one day I will make some kind of effort to make that happen, it just won’t be today. Today is your day.  Just know you are loved and have a happy day, and I’ll find another one. Today it’s Unconditional.

I know what you took away, from the very start. Who the fuck wears white and cream coloured khakis. I mean I had style I had a cream coloured suit. But the shoes were doc martens... you can’t fall in love with a punk rocker and think that your going you’re going to ever change him. 24 years of practice and you still haven’t fucking figured that out.  No one can fucking change me. Not even me, not even if I wanted to. Which I have and absolutely never will want to. You were the only person I ever tried to change for and what did it get me, behold my empire of shit, behold the ruins, a crown of thorns that lays upon my head. You’d have me crucified but you just haven’t thought of it yet.  I know what you destroyed. I know what you took away. I know I allowed you to do it because I played by the rules. Rules you don’t understand. Trust me you never did. And that’s why we aren’t Together. And that’s why you wouldn’t let me be happy somewhere else with someone else in the place where I was

I don’t care, I do things. I don’t need a ghost from 20 years back affecting things with no true emotions behind it. I don’t need your drama. I have enough of my own. One reason I like slipping into Toronto and doing my own thing is because when I was a runaway and a homeless street kid on young and queen it was a world before you, and even before that being part of the punk Indy scene here... this is a second adolescence for me, I’m being fucking me.. someone I’ve swallowed since the day Tupac died. I don’t forget where I was sitting on my 20th birthday and his 15 birthday. Those dates are significant.    There’s a reason. What the fuck was the point of trying to improve myself, all that ever fucking brought me was misery, including you. Three days before your fiftieth birthday and your still pulling this shy because I acted like a millionaire for a weekend because I have good Freinds and family. I’m gonna live my life. I’m going to have my life. I’m gonna do things. I’m going to have

  There are reasons i stand my ground and I don't back down from this. not from you, not from anyone in your life. I'm always going to be there. whether you or i like it or not, this is the sword i sacrifice myself on.  The ultimate reality is that you need me more in your life than i need you in mine. and its a flawed sense of responsibility that keeps me coming around and dealing with all of your shit. i walked away 5 years ago to protect you and him, why the fuck are you still in orbit? its been almost 20 years since it ended.  This is our last moment, wherever it goes from here, It will end. there has to be an ending, this thing cannot remain open ended. we need to finish the story, we need to finish the chess game. we have been at stalemate long enough.  There are moments, but I planned this one a long time. And there’s always an excuse or something happens and leaves it the way it always is, unresolved.  I walked away once to protect you, at this point I’m considering wal

I go to the dark places for comfort because they are the only one thats ever have been fucking safe for me. We stand apart of society. We always have. one of us had a choice, the other didn't.  i embrace the darkness because thats all thats left. i tried to walk away to give you a better life. You wouldn't fuckin let me go.  You still won't. but you don't give me any reason to follow you down the white rabbits hole... you might be alice, but I'm not the mad hatter or a fuckin chesire cat.. I have my own delusions to entertain. I refuse to live in your world because of  the plastic poison people you entertain far too often. there are enough fakes in my life, I don't need any more knives from people i don't trust in my back. there are already enough embedded there from those i do trust and once loved. there will be an ending. Soon.

The moment gets close, and while there is hope there are also questions. Im stubborn as a mule and I only do things on my terms. i feel like I'm being manipulated into keeping my word. which was never a question to begin with. I was always going to be there. that was decided a long tine ago. The problem isn't that either of us are ready. We've been ready. The problem is that you have to earn being by side. There have always been terms and conditions and none of that has fucking changed. Answers and truths need to be told. and there are days i question that you are capable of that. Ill take the light while i have it, but i still expect it to burn me as usual. It is in your nature. I may be the scorpion, but you have always been the fire. and the only thing that fire knows how to do is destroy. The difference is I'm a force of fucking nature. I'm unpredictable and uncontrollable like the oncoming storm. You cannot fucking predict me, and you never could. thats what I&

My Life changed in the summer of 2004, everything is about to change agian. for the first time in a decade i will have an answer. and i am preparing for either one. but this is a something that has been planned prior to your birth little one, We just took the long way round. I will be prepared for either answer but its time to do it. its time to keep my word. even if its a refusal, I need this moment. I need to be one day able to look my son in the eye and say i tried.  Whatever I am in this life, her husband, her devil, her enemy, her best freind, her emotional support animal, I am first and foremost you're dad. thats always going to be priority number one. the rules just changed a few years back and maybe there is love agian. Im always going to try to do what is right by you and your mother.. even when sometimes when dealing with her it is with gritted teeth. She's still your mother and i need to accord her that request. She needs this, and me in your lives. her actions are s

We don't hate each other, we aren't enemies. we are simply something else. what that is I don't know, at this very moment i don't think i care because you're daily life doesn't affect me. just like mine doesn't affect yours. but this future planning we discuss shouldn't come after the end. I have always deserved better, and I know my value. thats why we weren't together then, thats why we aren't together now. you are jealous that i survived and i have a good life and do cool and awesome things without you and him, but heres the thing... you should be at my side doing those things with me. that option is coming. i haven't decided to close the door on it yet... but i have decided to call your bluff on it sometime soon.  thats where i am at.  i am calling my shot. either we will have a moment in the next few months or we will not and you'll be left wanting and waiting again. I told you on the telephone, its on my terms now... and there are t

There were at least 3 songs tonight that i could have and would have popped out the ring out with. each of them had significance. but we aren't, and possibly will never be there yet. Our lives are drifting apart again and what was once important to me in regaining, is now becoming an afterthought again. I am happy and satisfied with my current lot in life and just being in orbit isn't enough to make a big sweeping change. i will be there soon to keep my fucking word but i have no expectations. but it would have been nice tonight to ask during why can't this be Love or or when its love. sorry babe, they didn't play hot for teacher. But we aren't ready regardless. one day ill just find another moment. but tonight? might have been a nice moment. first time i regret not pursuing you harder to come to something with me. then agian, just like whatever i am in your life, you are an afterthought in mine... i just thought of you a lot during some of our love songs, But its s