Poundcake Pipe Dreams

There were at least 3 songs tonight that i could have and would have popped out the ring out with. each of them had significance. but we aren't, and possibly will never be there yet. Our lives are drifting apart again and what was once important to me in regaining, is now becoming an afterthought again. I am happy and satisfied with my current lot in life and just being in orbit isn't enough to make a big sweeping change. i will be there soon to keep my fucking word but i have no expectations. but it would have been nice tonight to ask during why can't this be Love or or when its love.

sorry babe, they didn't play hot for teacher. But we aren't ready regardless. one day ill just find another moment. but tonight? might have been a nice moment. first time i regret not pursuing you harder to come to something with me.

then agian, just like whatever i am in your life, you are an afterthought in mine... i just thought of you a lot during some of our love songs, But its still meaningless...

unless something changes, if anything ever does. all I'm saying is that there was a pretty moment available... but we aren't people for pretty moments are we? we are a fractured Fucking fairy tale where the best we can say about each other is that we are the least worst options in each others lives long term.

it still would have been nice to ask you tonight, just to see what you would say. i thought of you a lot. but you weren't at my side, so whatever pipe dream i had, it was just an illusion. but it was a nice thought that one of these songs could have been the one.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

Respite on the Spitalfeilds.

I get to hurt, that’s my curse. I feel everything. And it never goes away. It doesn’t matter if it’s peace of strife. I always miss him. He’s always there buried not so deep inside. Along side that in my heart lies hope. But right now, the price is simply too high to have him in my life. I’m not good with authority or conditions. And attempting controlling me has very negative conquences. So yeah, I’ll be here waiting. I should not hurt this much. Or be this sad. But it’s a fucking pain that never goes away except when it is replaced by anger. And I’m trying to fight that emotion off because bad things happen when I’m angry. And thats my secret Cap, I’m always angry. It’s what controls the hulk inside me from taking out an entire city block. I deserved better. This wasn’t the life I was promised. This is for sure not the life I promised my son. That was taken away from me. I’m not to blame. But I’ll be damned if suffers like an adult the way I had to. I will always be here b...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Search This Blog