I know what you took away, from the very start. Who the fuck wears white and cream coloured khakis. I mean I had style I had a cream coloured suit. But the shoes were doc martens... you can’t fall in love with a punk rocker and think that your going you’re going to ever change him. 24 years of practice and you still haven’t fucking figured that out.
No one can fucking change me. Not even me, not even if I wanted to. Which I have and absolutely never will want to. You were the only person I ever tried to change for and what did it get me, behold my empire of shit, behold the ruins, a crown of thorns that lays upon my head. You’d have me crucified but you just haven’t thought of it yet.
I know what you destroyed. I know what you took away. I know I allowed you to do it because I played by the rules. Rules you don’t understand. Trust me you never did. And that’s why we aren’t
Together. And that’s why you wouldn’t let me be happy somewhere else with someone else in the place where I was happiest alone as an adult. Toronto ties run deep as do a Windsor’s. but that’s a fairytale. Those are places that Bones lived. I’m not sure deep within that boy exists anymore. That boy sure as hell loved you tho. It takes about for the man that stil does to find that emotion, there’s so much crap you’ve buried in top of it.
You’ve made your whole life and errand in destroying mine. It was easier when I just hated you. I was free. I could be in the darkest place and I was more fucking free than I am right now. You were a dead ghost of my past. But that’s not good enough. Love or hate you have to be center of attention.“
Prettiest girl at the party.” Except that’s my job now. And I rock that silver dress better then you would.
I’d rather be on the warpath and watching my back for the next knife in back. Being civil is just a failure. I know that I don’t count. I know that I never counted. You just need someone to blame. I’m used to it.
The difference is one of respects the other because I am the one who survived and I have always been there for you, in love or hate, in war and peace, I’m always there. Some reason in your head you respect that....
But that’s the problem between us, it doesn’t mean anything if I love you, which I’m my ashamed to admit that I do. But I don’t trust you, and I don’t respect you, and without those parts in my life there is no relationship. It’s just pretty words and illusions.
There is no going back that moment is lost. You’ll blame me for your bad decisions forever. That’s fine I’d rather be the Satan so you can be angel in his eyes, but one day the truth will come out.
Don’t forget the blog you’re reading this on was born in 2005. If I didn’t do anything else in this life I made sure he knew every moment post the day he was born I was thinking of him. That will outlive me. And it will show every fucking adventure I ever had that you denied him.
You’re jealous I have a good life that you couldn’t destroy. I may be gasoline, but you were never a warm enough match to ignite my destruction.
I don’t live in your fucking world. Because your world is the unreality. I live out my fucking dreams because that’s all I have left. Stay jealous. I don’t care. You should be beside me, so should he. You’re not. That’s not and has never been on me.
I know the education I lost, I know the career that was sacrificed on the altar of your selfishness. Those aren’t even the important things. I know what you truly destroyed. The innocence to just gain an advantage. Does that advantage feel like your wining now...
You destroyed me, you destroyed my relationship with my son... and you have never had an answer.
...and it wasn’t me that you destroyed. You could only attempt that.
You know me better than that. I’m stronger than you will ever be. That’s why you fucking need me and I don’t need you. I never needed you. Wanted you maybe then, Want you maybe now.
But I know my fucking worth.....
I might not like myself, and I am responsible for some of this... but let’s be honest, any self loathing I have is nothing compared to what’s in your head. If I was you, I’d hate me too.
We had a war. But the one that can’t face her reflection in the mirror isn’t me. I can live with every action I’ve ever took in this life. That’s not a problem, I was damned long before I ever fucking met
You. But the difference is you brought an innocent into this world and ruined his life, my life and your life. That’s on you.
There are days I wish I’d never met you so you’d have had a better life. But that’s untrue because you’d still be a fractured fuckin’ fairytale. It would just be with someone else I wouldn’t have had my son and our few good moments.
I’m tempted to be on our corner on Thursday just to say I did it and be done with it. Period. I won’t. I don’t Care enough. But here’s the thing. You care even less.
And it’s never been about me, it’s all
About you. I took six months up north to protect you and him, and hated myself for far too long. I’ve finally found a way to love myself again and now you can’t live with yourself so I get to deal with the Unreality.
I don’t like you at all, even though on a good day I might love you. Today isn’t a good day. I absolutely don’t need you in my life, and in fact for one bright brief moment I was better off without you in my life.
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