I don’t care, I do things. I don’t need a ghost from 20 years back affecting things with no true emotions behind it. I don’t need your drama. I have enough of my own. One reason I like slipping into Toronto and doing my own thing is because when I was a runaway and a homeless street kid on young and queen it was a world before you, and even before that being part of the punk Indy scene here... this is a second adolescence for me, I’m being fucking me.. someone I’ve swallowed since the day Tupac died. I don’t forget where I was sitting on my 20th birthday and his 15 birthday. Those dates are significant. There’s a reason.
What the fuck was the point of trying to improve myself, all that ever fucking brought me was misery, including you. Three days before your fiftieth birthday and your still pulling this shy because I acted like a millionaire for a weekend because I have good Freinds and family. I’m gonna live my life. I’m going to have my life. I’m gonna do things. I’m going to have political views and be involved with people.
I turned into a shell of my former self trying to be someone else in college, and university, and how much of that was for you? When the happiest moments in my life were busking and panhandling on a street corner when I was young because I knew I could take care of myself...
Everything I did after that just weighed me fucking down..I look back on the wreckage of my life and I know who to blame, it starts with me on 1996, Before that I had issues and problems sure, but I tried to be someone I’m not and even more I completely sold my soul trying to be yours.
That’s the fucking problem, I have that. I was alone in the wilderness for years on my own surviving. I don’t need family. I don’t need Freinds. I value them sure. But I don’t need anyone. especially a fucking partner. You are the only one I ever chose, why do you think you have my kid? But I’m fine on my own. My responsibilities to you and him reach forever but forever isn’t infinite. I have my limits.
It wouldn’t take me the old punk to disappear into the ether. Ask my mother and siblings. I disappeared before. I can do it again. I have so many places in Canada I could fuckin start over and be a ghost to you.
I never should have left
Toronto. I was better hiding in plain sight on the Danforth. I was better doing for myself. What did self improvement ever get me. Tyler Durden was right. Self improvement was the better direction.
The cosmic joke is that you would take everything I have to fucking give you and I’d gladly and willingly give it to you. But I don’t do that anymore without terms and conditions that part you don’t seem to understand. Yes we’re young, but I’d seen more by 24 then I’ve fucking seen in the last 24. The irony of this anniversary being as old as I was when we got together is not lost on me. I expect to fight with you for the next two weeks. Too fucking bad I have plans that will fuckin interfere with that.
I don’t regret anything but I wonder
If the kid in the purple uk docs and the flannel and the Kurt Cobain jacket would think of me now, oh wait I already know... I would and did roll people like me, I grew up hard. It’s a defense mechanism, I’m proud of it and I’m glad the next
Generation of my family hasn’t
Had that. They don’t need it. But what you’ve done is just as bad.
But I’ll never apologize for being hard. I am up front and centre at the barrier at the punk show at middle age because that’s who I am, that’s who I’ve always been.
I need to be there for you, but I’d never sacrifice myself anymore.
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