Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Happy Halloween. Im going to be out there doing all this wicked shit because this is my life and I’m having fun without you, I’m just making this world work for me in the only Ways I know how. Sometimes moving forward means looking back, to a world I was part of long before I met you and had responsibilities. I was happier there, I’m happier there now.  This isn’t a nostalgia tour. This is just me remembering who I once was and who and how I lived long before you took all that away. I’m having fun and I’m going to continue to do my own thing. No one else wants me anyways. Id rather be damaged alone and have epic stories than be dragged down by any anchors. This life is mine. I’m going to fucking live it. I had a life long before you, I have a life now. It’s fuckin epic.

I am losing minor patience with my assigned current role in this life. I mean I can do epic shit, but it is quickly forgotten and honestly that’s not the simplest life for me anymore. I liked when things were status quo but when expectation has exceeded reality it is time for me to consider what the fuck the next step is. I always thought I would end up somewhere different instead of spinning my heels in the same damn pattern.  But fuck it. I’ll just follow along until there is a major life change Once again. God knows I’ll eventually chose one. I can’t continue to lose my mind after we do things and depend on others to carry the freight of our lives the way it seems of late that has been happening. It’s supposed to be nice epic moments instead of simply survival. I thought I had outgrown this.  Whatever this becomes something needs to change. I am becoming hardly functional and sacrificing too much before I even get paid. I need sone freedom for things in my life. 

Make no mistake about anything. Im still lost within my own head. Things may have changed in my life and I am more at peace with my life and there is some semblance of order to it now… but I’ve done jail and I’ve done questioning and I’m still a little lost within my own. The reality is that I will never truly be happy or anything but miserable in my mind. It’s all four walls and a funeral. What the fuck did I accomplish in my life? My legacy? There isn’t one. Im just here. Nothing is going to change. Im just going to keep doing things and grind the axe until the end. I’m happy but my life is always going to be missing a lot because of the actions of myself and others. Then agian, I think I was born damned so this institutional mentality is nothing new to me, I made my choices. I don’t run from my responsibilities nor to do I abandon those I love… I just wish the walls weren’t folding in Agian. I shouldn’t be waxing poetic about the bad old days. Things aren’t easy now but it doesn’t s

I am happy, I get to do epic shit like this with the ones I love on a regular basis, the fact that iron maiden is one of his favorites and I was able to do it as one last birthday gift makes me happy. I wish that I could do more with him but these special moments mean something to. The only thing missing is having my son beside us enjoying the show,  but that is a choice that is not mine. He’d be welcome to come, every damn time. But I am not going to sit at Home weeping and waiting for the writing on the wall. Im going to live and enjoy myself. I sacrificed enough years not doing anything and standing still trying to do the right thing.  Now I am doing the right thing, and I’m having fun and enjoying my life with those that are surrounding me. I choose me and I have no fucking regrets choosing me. It’s about being at peace with myself and the ones I care for in this lifetime. One troublesome piece has been swept off the chess board. And trust me that shadow loomed large for a great ma

Im good with my Friends and always doing epic shit… I’m not sitting at home pining for any lost Lenore’s, I’m fuckin’ busy doing anything that I want to, over and over and over agian. The fact that I am losing track of the last memory before I even get to the next one should be a fucking tell tale sign that I’m enjoying my life with no regrets… I spent a long enough time in my life being miserable and waiting for things to fix themselves if I fought hard enough for them, instead just enough passed for me to be able to look past them with no regrets. It’s better this way, it’s always been better this way when it’s just me and those I choose to have around me… There are moments my life was less complicated, but i would rather have had the experiences I’m having now than staying stagnant and waiting for the day that never came. I know where my choices have led me And at the end of the day, I’ll stand by making the right choices even for the wrong reasons. Not all of them were wrong. But I

This is how I deal with the fact that I wasted my life and his in court with you, pretending that it was ever going to change. Nothing fun ever changed. We just wasted too many years being angry at each other rather than having fun memories and adventures. Now I’m doing them, so one day, for someone there will be stories to tell. That’s where things are now. I’m not angry and neither of us really won the war, but neither of us are completely comfortable being at peace either. At least when I go to the pit I can disappear into someone I used to be and forget some of my problems and wake up the next morning with an interesting fuckin story. That’s what I’m doing with my life, I can’t honestly say I care about what your doing with yours. When I’m needed I’ll be there but right now it seems very clear I’m not fucking needed.  I need an escape from my reality sometimes as I have some frustrating bullshit in it that doesn’t always help. I know my responsibilities. But I also know the skeleto

I do things alone because I have a life beyond Hamilton. In both directions, some days maybe even my Toronto connections are still the same ones I was running away for as a child. I have a group of people that I have fun with and it’s separate from every responsibility both current and historical. It’s nice to have that little escape every once in a while and just be Bones.  It’s who I started out as, it’s who I’ll likely be remembered the most as. I lived. I had fun and I did things.that’s all that’s left for me to accomplish. There are days i choose to do things and buy things just for me because there are fucking people that are financial drains on me and i cant count on others in my life when push comes to fuckin shove. I love my life and i love being there for the fucking ones i love but i swear to you there are moments in my fucking life when that all i had to take care of myself and maybe my son things were simpler than having people around. Anyone i do for now has my respect an