This is how I deal with the fact that I wasted my life and his in court with you, pretending that it was ever going to change. Nothing fun ever changed. We just wasted too many years being angry at each other rather than having fun memories and adventures. Now I’m doing them, so one day, for someone there will be stories to tell. That’s where things are now. I’m not angry and neither of us really won the war, but neither of us are completely comfortable being at peace either. At least when I go to the pit I can disappear into someone I used to be and forget some of my problems and wake up the next morning with an interesting fuckin story. That’s what I’m doing with my life, I can’t honestly say I care about what your doing with yours. When I’m needed I’ll be there but right now it seems very clear I’m not fucking needed.
I need an escape from my reality sometimes as I have some frustrating bullshit in it that doesn’t always help. I know my responsibilities. But I also know the skeletons in my head and my external factors sometimes need space from each other. Otherwise I will go crazy.
This is not where I expected to be at this point of my life but being able to do whatever I want and escape the world for a moment and go back to someone I used to be a long time ago. Before all of this, it might just be a moment but that’s all I need.
The fact that the band i saw last night I first saw around my 21st birthday the week I entered college at the Embassy in London here should show how much things may have changed but a lot of fucking things have remained the same. I was broken and confused then but I had the future in front of me. Now all that is in ruins and I am afraid for the future this world is giving my son.
Then agian, I didn’t destroy our future, and I have no say in what’s currently happening in my sons life. Someone else is in charge of those decisions.
That particular sin is not and never will be upon my hands. That’s not my cross to bear.
This will never be the life I chose for us and I tried the hard way for many years for it not to be the path I wanted for myself and those I love. But it is the path we are on. It’s no longer up to me to make choices to change the status quo. Im good where I am, even if some days i do not like or enjoy it so much. Other days I fade into a distant memory and I do enjoy my life.
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