It fucking sucks that I have to be the silent threat that brings the two people in this world comfort. I have always know that i am the weapon and rock fucking wall when and if I am needed. A Silent Partner, sadly I feel like one day all that will be left is for me to be the avenger, on that day my soul will truly die and all the dark places will take over. I will let the demon win, and he has always been someone and something to fear. Because he doesnt care, and he doesnt feel pain, all he is and all he consumes is revenge.
My darkest path is if and when that story ends, and it will take nothing less than a cops bullet if by yet another mistake of fate I lose my family, you have made your choices, I know the reasons I'm not there. But its not my life, its not my fears I am afraid of.
I could and have dealt with our end multiple times. I made a choice once to never look back. I cant promise you that I regretted it then, I know I did later. You have no idea the guilt I feel and how broken I am because of how we exist in moments, our moments are a fractured fucking fairy tale. Only one thing we ever got right.
I also made a choice to always be there no matter what. I kept that vow. A Silent promise. And I know who to. So does she.
I am afraid to lose you and I fear I know by whose hand. I would rather be the dark compliment to that to stay his asshole hand. I will always question why you have tolerated it for so long. I will question every moment you have ever had with me. You knew where I stood in 2003, you knew what the next chess move is. Maybe if I pushed my way I to your life and bullied you and showed some fucking control that you would have stayed.
But that action in and of itself, the same as your goddamn brother and others tries to do to you. Is why I haven't. It would diminish you, it would diminish us, furthermore to that it would diminish our grand love story, even in the darkest moments there is love.
I want my free spirit, my broken bird that somehow heals me with her voice every damn time she picks up the phone. An emotion no one else seens to understand. Exterting control on that would only serve to be a prison. I've had enough of prisons for the both of us.
I know why I can't sleep at night especially when those moments are that you've gone quiet. I know why you call in your angry moments and in your despair. I will always be here. I am anything but fucking pure. But I do love you both unconditional and thats more than I can say for your fucking family.
At the end, and I can feel it getting fucking close, I've always had that dark connection to the other side I at least finally know where we stand, and in that moment who will likely be holding your hand. However, if we are on borrowed time, id like to have those moments back. I'm sitting here waiting, and if I need to be my little families dark defender.
Losing my temper and losing my mind are closely tied together at this point, I've already lost everything else. How far left is there is too fucking fall. Quick answer? There isn't. Ive always known I'm damned. But the question has never been that. Its who I take down with me in this lifetime. I promise you, it wont be anyone innocent.
I wear a crown of thorns, this land of bullshit lies to serve to protect others. Now I stand divided between protecting the ones I care about most because I don't know the next step. I wonder how the nonsense in your life is tolerated, esp in this next moment. It is not, and will not be tolerated in mine. If I have to stand between you and the bastard brother in law, thats always a question that needs no answer. Neither does me and you and our son agianst the world. You've always known exactly where I stand.
Our story will never truly end because the universe will not allow it to end. An attempt was fucking made to sever us once. Whatever we are is complicated. Whatever our moment was it hasn't ended. Wishful thinking maybe but I would rather chase a darkened dream if it brings you eventual peace than spinning my heels waiting on oblivion.
And if the day comes I have to be the burning sword of justice, I will be an all consuming forest fire. Devoid of all emotion save rage. Something I should have been once already.
I accept what and who I am, and the parts we have had to play in this grand illusion. I hold no reluctance to the fact there is red in my fucking ledger. I'm a sinner, I know the moments i have to answer for. I'm fucking fine with that.
That being said I am not alright with the fact that my innocent child has had some much upon on his plate and then someone entrusted to his protection and care may be the ultimate betrayer. I am not surprised by anything that has happened. But if he is hurt agian, this weapon, this demon that I attempt and prevent to keep at bay, more than you will ever know.
Look out.
Our story may never end and there is a fucking reason for that. But I also know that the darkest sides of me remain. And they want out. They want to show the world their value, they want to show you how much the dark side desires you too.
But there is a black hole to that, darkness can be used for protection, but I am also aware that the cold hard fire that protected me for years, that kept me driven, it can lead to consumption if I surrender to it. That line is becoming very thin, the darkness and the demon can't win, but if needed i can and will let it in.
You call me the devil in your life, i hardly am. And I never have been the darkest part of your life, you just needed someone to blame. You chose me because I'm simply the strongest demon you could find. I may be someone's devil, thats always been certain, the death unmourned silently of one of my enemies, merely prevails to the existence of another.
Another person that no tears will be shed at his funeral, I feel upon that day you will finally feel free. And I fear the fact of how i will have to hold you get thru it.
And I expect no tears shed upon my end. Only a reminder of how much you were loved, and how hard i fought. I will not go quietly into my last moments. It may a silent roar to save you pain, but I will outcast every goddamn one of our enemies if it means protecting you and him in this endless chess game.
You simply need to choose a moment to begin agian, either we create a new chapter or we come to an end. I will always be here regardless and youve made it very clear I cant escape you or move on either way. Part of why the choice will always be you.
I still see my future in your eyes, I always have, I know where I stand when it comes to you and I, we just haven't gotten there yet.
I hope we will. I hope that you are not just another loved one that i will simply have to mourn. But I am at a point of our lives where its sadly more of an expectation that you will go first. One of our lives will likely end In tragedy, and the other will follow. I always expected it to be me for some reason. Now I'm not so fucking sure. There are no toxic elements in my life that seem to be in yours.
You simply keep me in orbit like a guardian devil, but I worry the moment will eventually be to avenge. To be your silent revenge. Sadly I know where their bodies are buried and I can expose a lot of skeletons if they ever hurt you agian.
That I will not allow.
I am the oncoming storm, and I am a guardian fucking devil. I will protect what is mine. Without question. I will always be here. The fact that things are being allowed to happen and there is fear that shouldn't be.
I don't fear prison. I dont fear being destroyed. What else can you take from me, everything is already gone and I dont know that it was her fault.
There will be an end. But it'll hate hearing fear in her fucking voice. I am fear. I will be the one that you should fucking fear.
If you fuck with my little family I dont give a fucking damn who you are. I will obliterate you.
This story needs to end. I need to write a new one with her and only her and my son. Thats the endgame. Thats the only choice on a night like tonight. Im sick of waiting for us to heal.
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