Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's been Seven years as of today and I can't feel anything more than what i felt for you 8 years ago... you are a non event in my life and nothing you can do to me will affect the way i feel about you... it's amusing to me to think back on things and relaize that your actions are the ones that are full of wrath and anger,.. i stopped caring about you a long time ago and now i am just driven to action because i have to be because of my child, but i do find it amusing... how much that you hate me.. and i wonder what I've ever done... because I could never hate you that much... I just don't give a damn about you... and that's the diffrence between us... happy new year... stay Miserable.. I won't. Current Mood: Happy. In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins, not through strength but by perseverance.

One More day and this horrible year of Hell is over and in the ground. At least at the end of it I am hopeful for the future and I expect to see changes, I know where my supports are and the last week has been a very good place for me to clear my headspace and erase some but not all of the darkness hovering around me... my heart is warm and ia ppreciate those that care for me.. and while the blow has been softened for a week, there is still a missing component inside my heart... next year will be an effort, not out of anger or a lust for revenge, those are your vices not mine... to make sure something like this can never happen agian, My news year resolution is the same as it was 9 months ago... to never speak to you agian and have him back in my arms... Current Mood: Determined. Beware the fury of a patient man.

It's interesting to see two people who are very diffrent in many ways, having the same likes and mannerisms as each other. it's very cute and It helps remind me that somethings in this world are meant to be, and that there is a deeeper reason for everything in this world. i am enjoying my little vacation and my dark headspace is finally clearing for the first time in months. hopefully i can keep everything positive going into the new year...without any major roadblocks.. Current Mood: Happy. The stop sign reminds us to slow our pace, take a moment's rest, and look around. Therein lies a whole philosophy of life.

Just another day to chill with the people that matter the most... there is a little part of that equation missing but next year i will have fixed that.. it's not my selfishness that has caused that.. but it is nice to just chill out with family members and enjoy myself and not have a care in the world... Next week, after the new year i will go back to concerning myself with the important stuff, i'm enjoying my little vacation and I am really considering the fact that Maybe my place isn't in central ontario or Hamilton and that their are so many other places i could be... but then agian, there's only one thing keeping me in Hamilton and it's not a job or freinds.... I am kinda happy right now and that is not something I have felt for a while... being around my family... makes me feel warm. Current Mood: Happy. An invincible determination can accomplish almost anything and in this lies the great distinction between great men and little men.

Even tho i am having a good time, there is someone missing here this year at Christmas, both in my heart and beside me. I am trying to focus and be happy none the less but sometimes having happy happy family just reminds me how lonely i am without my little person...a christmas like this will never happen agian.. I can't imagine how he must be feeling today. Current Mood: Sad. Christmas makes everything twice as sad.

You know i should be angry and feeling a lot of negative emotions right now, but i am not.. i am just sad..i AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND I AM EVEN MORE GRATEFUL WHEN THEY GIVE ME THE SPACE I NEED TO CLEAR MY HEAD. when all i can see is people around me that love me and care about me, even the darkest days can not be the end of the line... It's just another corner in my life to turn, the only thing I am missing this holiday is my son, and I am sure the feeling is mutual... but I am working on changing that situation as soon as possible... for the rest of the people i actually need in my life, I'm going to have a happy holiday and trying and enjoy some of their brightness around my internal darkness. Current Mood: Sad. A collected poems' is either a gravestone or a testimonial to survival.

You know while i may despair sometimes i know in my heart what is the truth and what is a lie and a game to another person, but to put my little person through what you are supposedly doing is inhumane and I have to wonder what kind of crack you are on.. to do this to him... do you actually think that i would go away after you have done this us? I think maybe you'd think that i would do something stupid... newsflash, i'm not going anywhere ever. I'm a Warrior... it's all i know how to be.. I FIGHT, I rebel. this battle isn't about me.. it's not about you It's about him... and it's a very dangerous game you are playing.... I am not going anywhere ever... I will outlive all of my enemies and conquer... I have no choice that's just the way i'm built... and i have patience. Current Mood: Determined. I had to fight all my life to survive. They were all against me... but I beat the bastards and left them in the ditch.