Nothing fucking changes. We go from crisis to crisis. All I know is that someone who isn't kin to me has no reason to be treating his little sister and nephew the way he does. I am going to marry that girl finally. I dont know when I dont know how but there is no reason this constant fuckin lack of respect and this cycle of abuse and enabling needs to continue. You've never respected her. And i do. She and that little boy are my world.
We are just complicated. Im trying to uncomplicate it. There was a reason family engagements were kept at arms length because I saw 20 years ago you didnt respect her, I know that you never fucking respected me. I dont care if you respect me, I know you fear me thats enough.
All I want her to have is the peace I'm currently seeking. If i Need to be Mr. Mayhem to achieve that i have no issues doing so. No fucks given. I am scary. I am a mentally ill loner that society has rejected. I stand apart and I am not fucking afraid of anyone. Including someone who i have never had on my level due to his actions the last 25 years.
You get what you fucking deserve. I didnt walk away for years for her to be this miserable. I should have fought harder, and maybe I should be fighting harder now. I'm trying.
But for you, you get no quarter in my life. You haven't existed as a human being to me in 18 years and continually hurting her and taking advantage, yeah you won't like the end result.
I know where a lot of problems in our life begin and fucking end. And their problem isn't me. It never has been. I've just dealt with the cards I've been dealt. I'm still fucking dealing. But there is no reason being your brothers keeper should be a life sentence. She has suffered enough, so has my son. No reason for him to be a part of your life.
He is not a part of mine.
There is always going to be anger. While some things get forgiven, others do not and will not ever be forgiven. I walked away from your world because I thought I was the problem, now i just expect another phone call.
This is where I stand. This is where we are. Where we will always be. Me standing between nothing and everything. You seem to choose nothing. I'm alright with that. If the moment never comes its no longer my problem, but I'm not the one filled with regret.
There is no end to this story, it just goes on and on. There will never be a resultion or an absolution. I will always be here. Both by my choice and agianst my will until the end of one of us I will be here.
I dont necessarily like that fact. But I have made fucking peace with it. We are better adjecent to each other lives even if there is conflict and anger that never truly goes away.
I made peace with a lot of that a long time ago. You still need to and deal with the toxic elements on your life. Same as I did. Same as I will if the chance presents with your life. I haven't forgotten that at this point that you have spent more of my life being a fucking factor in it than I spent alone.
There is always hope. But this, this same old shit.. it has to end for one of us one day.
Story of our lives.
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