The list of lives I've broken reach from here to hell.
I am absolutely done with people who want advice or help based on my experiences and dont take into the fact the emotional toll of asking the questions they present. Yes I worked in the field but they have been my enemy since I was a fucking kid. Im gonna be frank and fucking honest when dealing with the people that destroyed my life. Yes the protocol to protect everyone so no one is accountable is fucking systemic in the system, and keep in mind it is a system. I lost ny child to it despite keeping him out of the system and trusting his mother to take care of him. I do not need to be fucking triggered with questions without understanding that situation. I gave advice and I feel like I am being demonized for it. Sorry my opinion is tainted by the anger and hate i'm very much trying to distance myself from.
But there are reasons I distance myself and let them fade away. Its not always about protecting myself. Ive thought for years im a liability. So maybe at this moment it's a very real consideration that I exit myself from even an arms length freindship with all of the people in my life.
I can go find pretend freinds in the scenes I hang out in anyways. Sick of all the people in my life that confide in me and then attempt to pass fucking judgement because my opinions or emotions or politics do not agree with them or their world view.
I have never held the opinions that are being forced down the collective throat of my nation and I have always rebelled agianst whatever the groupthink was. I'm educated, im street smart, university educated and system raised. Therefore meaning. I write, I compose poetry, I draw, I play guitar, and I think for myself. If you want my opinion don't think im gonna just blatantly agree with you. I dont do that. I compared the situation and looked up legalities and responded accordingly. But at this point I'm starting to fucking feel that I need to take space from a lot of people in my life.
I need to be me agian. Being pulled into other people's drama because im at home is never my vibe man. As soon as the weather breaks I'm outside dealing with stuff and doing my fucking thing. Long weekend vacations may start to become a regularity as well. I am not being pulled into other people's lives so I can be made into the villian. I've been doing since I was 25. Im gonna be 50 this year. It's time i found the little bit of peace i was having last summer instead of being drawn into other people's lives. I am a liability and a risk and I need to not be that for the people I am responsible for and my responsibilities to them.
I will continue on my own path. Freinds are always something that is conditional for me, I always expect them to leave so nothing is truly permanent in my life. None of relationships with people are. You'll just join a long laundry lost of people who have come and gone in my life.... The list of lives I've broken reach from here to hell.
I have my own personal hells. I'd rather spare those I care about that pain. If you dont like please get out of my life. I dont need any more in orbit around the very gates of hell itself.
I'm not saving anyone. I just want peace with the fucking time I have left before I reach my absolution.
The fact I am requesting with my last wish to be burnt in an Aspen coffin. I want the fear and trauma of my life to be gone with me. No one needs to remember me. Just remeber who I was in life. I want to be burnt and forgotten so you might as well move on and forget me now. Everyone else has.
I don't need anyone. And I dont need to be fed anyone elses opinions or values when they want something from me.
I have simply nothing more to give. I just want to enjoy my final days and be at peace. Let me take care of my responsibilities and have a good time. Because oblivion holds no secrets for me. I know exactly where I'm going.
My only hope is no one i care about or love follows me there. Not even the ones that deserve it. Any one that truly deserves it is already there or will predecease me. Ill meet them there.
I know what day I was born.
I'm not pulling anyone else down with me.
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