I live every day with the fear of another loved one dying in my arms and/or my door being smashed in and my life being destroyed agian. If i decide to move on to protect the little bit of mental health and peace i have left. You are all gone. Forgotten. Thats where I am agian. It might be time to go fucking dark. I'm already nuts and institutional. Whats the world minus one more crazy conservative?
I don't need to be here for anyone except my own inner circle and even those people, they drop like flies. The difference is before there was forgiveness. Now there's an absolute finalty. If you remove you from my chess board you are fucking gone. It's always only about the little king and the black queen anyways. And even the black queen is in a consideration to be forgotten herself agian. I don't have anyone thats always gonna be there at the end except for my own worst enemy. So I am cold or ablivent to losing someone in my life? Yeah I cut the love of my life out of my life for good for the last fucking time 21 years ago. It was like cutting a part of my own soul out.
Past then, no one else matters. And you have no idea what the true cost in blood that forgiveness was earned. You only think you know because of what you've been told. That's only half of the story. Some things I keep to myself.
If I can Forget them, to protect them, I will forget you. Just blame the fact I'm insane and Broken. Everyone else does. The difference is I confront every thing straight on. And I give no fucks. My world doesn't allow for me to do anything but confrontation.
I can't and wont back down when the wolves are at the fucking door. The worst part is some of those wolves are his blood. At least i can claim they are not mine.
This is the mental state I live with every day. I never know when that fucking phone call is going to come or is made on my fucking behalf.
Therr are things I hide from people and why I dont really get close to anyone anymore. there are always reasons for that. Much easier to have fairweather freinds who are as about as solid as a piss in the wind and play the sad fucking tragic clown with no knowing the exact backstory, and its multiple-choice. Because there are so many. And all of them are true. But only the parts I choose to fucking show you. And im starting to show a lot less.
Soon I will just shut down completely to everyone.
All I ever wanted was peace. And to protect that I'll just fucking burn out and fade the fuck away.
Peace. Out. Or just a padded room. I'm good with both. Either way.
Current Music: Yggdrasil, Brothers of Metal.
Current Mood: Fuck Off!
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