Angels and Demons

it's been a wonderufully stressful few days, there are days when all i want to do is just relax and let the world pass me by... but of course i have to work.. it is a good thing i have my particular mindset with my job as the last twenty four hours have been trying with my carreer and has led to some serious depression and questioning of the next move in terms of my carrer. I defintly love my job and what i am doing there but i have had to break one of the most sacred of oaths that i promised myself more often than i would have liked to have done so. obviously i see reasons for this and i have a better understanding of their and my own behaviors as a child but still it is something that i deal with inner anger towards myself for letting it escalate to that position and depression and survivors guilt, the world is a fucking awful place and i have to remind myself that there are good parents and people that care to balance out the fuckups that don't know how to parent society's kids. all these little guys need is someone to be there and someone to care and understand them and I am doing that, I just need to remind myself of this point sometimes as it is sometimes hard to see the angels and demons and understand the how and why. I have the training, i have resorces to deal with when i get frustrated and i Love my job. it's just one of those things that i have to get used to so i don't burn out or end up with damage to my mental health, i will figure it out. i wanted it and i have it... i'm not going anywhere.

We're all born upon the cross
The throw before the toss
You can release yourself
But the only way is down
We'll know for the first time
If we're evil or divine

Current Mood: Happy, Little man in 4 hours

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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