Only the weak succumb to brutality

I have absolutely No idea what the next step is. i have been on the best footing of my life and very grounded for the last little while and then agents of choas start breaking that all down. i start missing places and people that should be little more than mist in the rear veiw mirror but i desperatley want to be around them agian,m y life is complicated but it's a good kind of complicated. granted i should have likely done the barbarian thing many moons ago and done or been whatever is expected but that's not me, i'd rather wait.. and wait.. and be patient.. and also confused. I can be the feirce warrior if that's whats needed but i am trying to figure things out in my own mind about everything right now, so many intangibles and factors that i am wondering where tommorow leads... i'm used to being alone and keeping people at an arms distance, it's a defense mechanism, and when one decides to invade that space violently and won't let go i am unsure how to handle it. i'm used to being the wrecking ball always being the one being in someone elses space positively or negatively. right now i just want to take a step back and look around. figuring everything out is easy, it just takes time.

I'm not looking back
But I want to look around me now
(Time stand still)
See more of the people and the places that surround me now
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away

Current Mood: regretful.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

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