Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Nothing can be better on a saturday mornin than waking up and playing with thomas's and watching percy's chocolate crunch while eating eggo's. sometimes a few minutes of his precious time can make all the troublesome trucks and worries in my life go away, even right now he is playing with gordon and edward and their tenders and doesn't have a care in the world... and this is exactly how it should be. Current Mood: Extermely Happy Even with the utterly lost, for whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest may be made

I am in such a great fucking mood today!!! little things can't bother me so much today.. things may not always go my way but once in a while they do and hopefully today will be one of those days that they do. plus i have little man tommorow so that's something to look forawrd to and i am enjoying the time off i have had this week after having hell week last week. Current Mood: happy.

Yeah, so much for anything positive, another apartment looked at another apartment down, i'm guessing it's probaly for the best seeing how it was a little too close for comfort being next door to work but it's still an annoying piss off. i'll have to see what the next step is. maybe this one on garfeild is an idea. who the fuck knows, getting depressed, it was easier finding a place when i was on welfare than when i'm working what the fuck is up with that? Current Mood: Depressed. They say misery loves company We could start a company and make misery Frustrated, Incorporated Well I know just what you need I might just have the thing I know what you'd pay to see

It's another wonderful day in paradise, seems to me the real concerns are about money and accountabilty for mistakes rather than the well being of the ones we should be concerenced about, i thought it was a rather interesting farce but thats appaerntly all that it was go figure. i have some serious frustrations that are coming to a head with the current state of things and i am seriously wondering if this where i want to be the rest of my life, let's see what the future holds, i am defiatley going to be using any other offers as leverage if i need to. Current Mood: Frustrated, can you tell? The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.

So anyways today went well and i think there will be more career and living choices in my future, i am very surprised at what i saw in Burlington and it may be an option in the near future if i commute to work here and have a second job out there, this freedom of not being tied down to an apartment when i have a good feeling about the job in the next city and i can commute to my current place of emnployment within 20 minutes has me thinking that my life may finally be on the right path, the only thing that would affect me should I move is that i am very aware i have a large support circle around me here and freinds and moving away from that agian might be diffcult we will see what the future holds... i left windsor, i left thorold, i can leave Hamilton agian, esp. if i'm trading up for burlington it may be home but i need to make the right choices for me and the little man. Current Mood: Contemplative.

I have never walked away pissed off from this job until today, what the fuck? if you don't want to pay for the fucking cab don't tell me to take one... 40$ dollars is 4 fucking hours night pay... i had sit all fucking night without sleep and i am making peanuts for the privilidge? you are goddamn right i am taking a day off i should have had fucking yesterday and today off for my son, this job is not worth the fucking seperation of me from him.... i'm trying to be nice and trying to be polite and bite my toungue and take out frustrations elsewhere but seriously... what the fuck? why the fuck do i have to ask for reimbursement for something i was fucking directed to do so you could have someone there becuase of your minor mistake and misunderstanding... this is twice that there's been a last minute phone call becuase of scheduling. things may change if there is a successful answer on the interview monday... i like the job and i want to see the best I can do accomplished

Ever get the feeling that you are being stretched too thin becuase of a lack of manpower? this is my current predicament... i am basically burning both ends of the candle due to my job and it's unhealthy and as a result i am neglecting responsibilites to my son, I was asked to do a 24 hour shift yesterday, i don't fucking think so... road to burnout here i come... It's going to be interesting if i have some barganing powers come monday after a new interview in burlington... i love my fucking job but seriously...overworked and underpaid?? i should be getting hazard pay for last nights shenagians...if i got a chance to sleep i wouldn't complain as much but what the fuck..... Current Mood: Exhausted, back to work at noon. Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.

SO yeah.. interesting day yesterday.. the mindfuck continues, i am starting to understand how little i was fucked up in comparison... some of these things i am seeing and the issues i am having bleed thru my fingers when i clock out are confusing but relaistic.. this is exactly where i need to be, personal issues aside when i step between those doors, it's go time the red lighht is on and i'm on the spot. Time to man up and take it...there are things here i don't understand but i must try to.. i know that i'm a damn good worker but having these new experinces that i have never had to deal with before is an eyeopener. a lesser man would not be able to handle it... the world isn't a fair place..... and another thing... anyone who wants to rant about how i kick back on my off hours and enjoy myself does not need to be part of my life... there are reason's i lose myself inside a bottle because otherwise i can't sleep some nights.. if you truly knew the demons i

Gotta love my life... i have no time for addictions becuase at this point i work sleep, get called back to work and work some more... such is life and such is the fucking drama of my career so much fun.. on a realted note i picked up the new eminem album today. Current mood: Rushed.

Yesterday was interesting, One does not know how to his handle his freedom and time when you invent drinking games with madden 06 on the gamecube. I may have a new place in my neighboorhood in an apartment building so i am very happy with that set of circumstances, hopefully soon my life get's back to normal. it seems for every positive in my life there always is a negative, i am hoping i can change that this summer. Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty - his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure. Current Mood: Boredom. Current Music:Know your Enemy, Greenday.

...So Anyways an update... i'm moving by july 1st... all the nonsense around my current housing situation is done and kaput.. fuck them, they want to play games.. we are done, i am no longer a tenant there as soon as i can find a new place. i need to move out for my mental space anyways so whatever. i'm happy that they got served and that i stood my ground instead of just letting myself be evicted for bullshit reasons, this way i don't owe anything. Current Mood:Exoneration A house is no home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body.

So finally I get some Free time after working hard for a week, i was defintley needed to have some time off... so what do i do during said time off? I sleep.. what else is there to do... tommorow's going to be interesting between chinese water torture till 3 am yestaerday night with the pipes and the bullshit about everything recently i am not impressed. Current Mood: slept 12 hours and i'm still goddamn tired... note to self... sleep more. I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any. Exercise is loathsome. -Twain, Mark

Looking back on my blog and all of the experinces in the last 5 years of so...i shouldn't be as miserable as I am, things are not as bad as the could be and have been, me and the bitch communicate, i have a somewhat stable career in Hamilton and I have rent money in my pocket and things i would have only dreamed off a few years ago... the fact that i am getting rid of older things that are no longer needed to make space rather than based on need is something i've never had really experinced anymore, of course having a real disposable income minus child support is something i've only haphazardly experinced in this lifetime of struggle. Current Mood: Happy. Nothing suffocates you more than the passing of everyday human events Isolation is the oxygen mask you're making children breath into to survive But I'm not a slave to god that doesn't exist And I'm not a slave to a world that doesn't give a shit

SO go Fucking Figure I think one thing in my life is starting to get less complicated and there are less Issues in at least one positive aspect of my life, and then, Boom, I walk into work today and i find out that I have no shifts for the next two weeks.... What the fuck is with that? I mean Loyalty is earned not a revolving door.... I don't mind working hard but i need to see that I have a future here not being used as casual relief when i'm supposedly permanent part time... I need to be able to pay the rent and feed myself and my kid... I'm seriously thinking of pushing for fulltime elsewhere including durham and toronto agian seeing how my current Housing sitautaion is all fucking fubared... i'm comfortable in Hamiltion and that's part of the problem, other than the job that seems to be coming and going anytime it likes with no long term stabilty, i'm exteremly comfortable here, there's no challenges to my life and nothing to keep me driven, long as i ha

One Must develop a thicker skin these days, Nothing seems to go the right way Currently... seems like the Douchebag down in the north end ended up wanting to sell the place after i had the deposit... glad i didn't give it to him. but i have another line on a two bedroom so i'm not so fucking worried seeing how i have plenty of dough in my back pocket at the moment to make a deposit.. and work seems to be stable... i get shifts all the time but it is frustrating to not have an idea of when i'm going to be working until the last minute.. but agian nature of the beast and i am grateful for the job and i know i am doing a good job when i have spent much of the last 72 hours there.. as long as it pays i'm not complaining... in the long run it'll pay off. Current Mood: Complacent. The Dictionary is the only place Success comes before Work.

Everything is cylindrical and Agrravating even when it is Positive News. i'm not impressed by being flipped like a coin when it comes to scheduleing but i am greatful to have the hours. i'm less than amused by the contradictions and the nonsense but i'm going to have to deal with it, it's not every day i make plans that I can't act upon so i'm glad i didn't finalize them. we will have to see what the next step is and where it takes us. Current Mood: Slightly Less Pissed, Annoyed However.

It's been a frustrating morning. there are some serious questions which one must ask oneself about my supposed chosen career. I am not happy that i gave up this weekend to find out I was not needed, if it had been any other weekend than mother's day i would have had serious ethical issues about being asked to make myself availible this weekend. At least this way i can figure out what i'm doing about the new apartment but i'm still not impressed at the way i was treated about the weekend. whatever. I'm not in a place to say to say anything but there is a reason i am still seeking employment Full time elsewhere. I'm not even sure if I'd take full time here. I do not like the fact i'm second guessing myself and getting too involved emotionally with this place if i am merely a stop gap measure and i will not see any permanence here. I would like to be able to plan for my future and not be living week to week and pay cheque to paycheque as i have been, i'

Ever had the feeling you were waiting for something to change yet you were just sitting around spinning your heels? that's how i'm feeling today... my wonderful paycheque is agian late... why are we not surprised and the changed the schedule on me last night so i was an hour late.. oops... minor mistake.. will not do agian... would have been nice to have someone remind me about it when they called in the afternoon on a trivial matter.. but of course whatever.. such is life and liberty and persuit of everyone's happiness. i am really feeling in my element at work but it is getting harder and harder to rest either the day before or the day after work.. wonder why that is.... probaly all this personal stuff i've got going on in my Life. I am hoping to get moved on the long weekend but whatever we will see... hoping to improve things job wise as i am looking for some more work. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. Nietzsche C

There are still things to figure out but i am thinking i am going to be moving to the north end of hamilton. i have many reasons including the fact that it is across from one of the waterfront parks and i find peace there. i know the area and i feel comfortable there, i think at this point in my life comfort levels are very important too, my son needs somewhere safe and secure and long term to grow up with when he is with me and i am thinking this may be the best idea for the moment. he needs his own space as do I and i don't need the nonsense i am currently experincing, i work too damn hard at a sometimes stressful job to have nonsense over a small basement apartment. i need to arrange a few things but i am thinking this is the next evolutionary step in my life..... Crystal world with winter flowers Turns my day to frozen hours Lying snowblind in the sun Will my ice age ever come? Current Mood: Hopeful

There is considerable risk with my next venture. i think i may have found my new apartment but i have to figure out a few things first as i am wading once agian into a great unknown and i know that if i return to the old neighboorhood there is no turning back i will end up staying for the rest of my life and raising my son in the north end. I have what i feel is a somewhat permanent job on the mountain and if i end up moving into this apartment i will end up staying there a very long time becauase for my mental health it is probaly the best place to be. all the old ties have died away in the last fifteen years, and it is realistically the only place other than st. Catherines i have ever truly called home. I am sick of the wanderslust and the nomadic lifestyle. it used to appeal to me going places and having adventures but now i want to settle down and have some element of peacefulness. there are many things to figure out but i am debating renting the place within the week, it'a a l

One is learning to balance the darker sides of one's self issues and behaviors by moderating everything that one does including the sleep and the drink.. but it is ridiculous when one has to deal with nonsense after an agreement has been made and the person who made the fucking agreement decides a few days later to not honour it and then decides to get into a screaming match with me after i've worked a fucking long saturday shift... at this point i am hoping i can the apartment in the north end and begone from the hellhole where me and the little one currently reside... a decade ago one owuld have smashed holes into the walls and smashed every window... she is very lucky i am no longer that person... i don't like being judged for something i'm not becuase on my freetime and in my work life i may not confirm to everyone's perfect little life... 1. In free time i dress as i choose. 2. I work a midnight shift so my freetime hours are diffrent than others and complainin

So it's been an interesting week of weirdness but things are setlleing down and getting back to normal, i have the feeling that i do things that make myself go stir crazy delibrately as i am trying to escape this monotous life that i am not accustomed to. i am used to setting my own hours and place and having to stop doing that for a while is proving diffucult. whatever, i have to grow up sometime don't I? Current Mood: Extremely bored. It's not just about living forever, Jackie. The trick is living with yourself forever.