The Path Not Chosen.

It's been a frustrating morning. there are some serious questions which one must ask oneself about my supposed chosen career. I am not happy that i gave up this weekend to find out I was not needed, if it had been any other weekend than mother's day i would have had serious ethical issues about being asked to make myself availible this weekend. At least this way i can figure out what i'm doing about the new apartment but i'm still not impressed at the way i was treated about the weekend. whatever. I'm not in a place to say to say anything but there is a reason i am still seeking employment Full time elsewhere. I'm not even sure if I'd take full time here. I do not like the fact i'm second guessing myself and getting too involved emotionally with this place if i am merely a stop gap measure and i will not see any permanence here. I would like to be able to plan for my future and not be living week to week and pay cheque to paycheque as i have been, i'm starting to really consider the fact i'm not making much more than i was at subway and the stress levels involved, esp. when one makes a minor mistake when dealing with major incidents... but then agian thats the nature of the beast. Part of this self doubt is the fact that I have other carreer choices and maybe it's time to expand and consider them before i end up stuck in a place that is playing havoc with interpersonal realtionships important to me outside of work (i.e. my 5 year old son.), affecting my current Living arrangements... (if i don't know if i have a shift how do i decide to move.).. and all these other things that could or would cause burnout to happen, I honestly think this is the Job i am meant for but days like todday make it very easy for one to be disillusioned rather easily... espically when one is given reason to question his actions immediatly after an issue rather than given a little bit of time to deal with the situation and defuse. Of course shit happens.... you just have to deal with it, clean it up, and move on and remeber everything by keeping it in your back pocket.

Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt.

Current Mood: Pissed Off.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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