Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

We had a good weekend and i'm off to buy the birthday present today... pretty happy about the way things turned out ended up getting rid of the ps2 and the n64 today which means a little more cash flow. he didn't want to go home last night, it broken my heart to tell him he had to go home because he had to go to school tommorow, he kept crying it's still the weekend i want to stay with you.... i really have to resolve the Friday night situiation because he needs that time with me.... let's see where i'm working in the new year... supposed to go to the parent teacher we'll see how that goes. Current mood: happy, misses him.

It's a good day and he's happy.. we went to the children's mesuem, mcdonalds with the big tree for lunch and now we hanging out at the library.. sometimes when my troubles and the nonsense around me and my job, house and life get complicated all I need to do is spend a few hours with him to realize why i'mrying so goddamn hard to make a good life for him.... life may be complicated but it's worth it when he's happy. Current Mood: Content

Nostalgia is nice for a moment... i spent enough time in Toronto today to enjoy a cup of coffee i was easily reminded about what i hate that city and would only go there seeking full time employment... all i see in Toronto are memories of someone i used to be... i had less worries and sometimes i wax nostalgic for that period of time as well.. but then i remember that things weren't always spare change and glory i went threw some rough times back then.... at least now i have accomplishments in my life i can look back upon and i don't need to be sitting on a street corner asking for a handout.... Toronto is a memory... much like everything else in my life... i am only anywhere for a short while and then i move on... it's the nomadic life for me.... the only attachments that last for me are the ones i choose... and the responsibilities i choose. Current Mood: Tired. Someone take these dreams away That pointed to another day A duel of personalities The stranger true reality Th

I saw a rainbow today... proving that even with a dark cloud overhead there can still be things of wonder...things are changing as i got the apartment but i have to budget myself to death as a result of work.... and make alternate plans.. i won't shed a tear for this job if one of the other 2 interviews proves succesful.... Current Mood: Positive.

..... the bullshit continues.. at this point i don't care anymore.. if my son is going to suffer if i get another job i am thinking am going to give notice at my current job.. if you want me to work weekends and then when i have made fucking arrangements to be availible and given up the last 2 months of weekends with my son i think it's time for a carrer change... i'm am not waisting my talents, my time or my stress levels with this mickey mouse organization if this nonsense is going to continue.. i can't live on 13 fucking hours a paycheque.. i might as well not even be working... fucking clowns...i'm sick of the politics and nonsense anyways and i have other options...time to start exploring them, hopefully the Ymca or oznam house in toronto will be the next fucking option cuz my current employment is a joke and i'm seriously starting to feel that more harm than good is being done when it comes to the staff and money matters around it.... i'm sick of bitin

I know that i have other options and i am persuing them but there are things that i won't or can't do. the frustration is less now that i have pay in my hand and i am seeing things a little more clear... there are still some serious frustrations but i need to wait and see and see how the next few weeks play out... it's all about patience and the next step... i think making myself and others miserable isn't helping tho.. but i've made my choices and i'm comfortable living in my skin... most of the time. Current Mood: Positive. You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.” Albert Einstein

I don't know what to believe in anymore... i am getting increasingly frustrated with the nonsense at work and the political bullshit and the back biting... i should have my paycheque in hand today and it's nonexistent... fucking ridiculous.. at least theres another option later this week at the downtown Y? i dunno.. too many things to be pissed at currently... fucking ex and her nonsense... the fact i can't afford to give little man a decent Xmas without stretching my budget and wallet to the limit... what the fuck is with employment when i was able to do a better Christmas for my child on welfare living in Thorold than being employed in Hamilton.... i should not have to be selling possessions like my Ps2/x box's etc just to survive and have nice things for him and his birthday.... yes i don't play with them as much anymore and little man has his Wii... but whatever i shouldn't be buying his birthday present with money from that? then again it's not like i

One's notorious lack of patinece with the world is flaring up agian, i am starting to wonder about my job and why i bother.. it's not like i have a little one at home that has a birthday and christmas coming up.. i mean why the hell does someone who was sick get to fucking steal my shifts? i give up my kid on the weekend to have that shift and a day beforehand someone fucking decides that he's going to take it instead? between that the politics, the fact that i feel some of the clients rights get infridged on and the whole bullshit nature of the job.. i mean i love being a CYW but i need some job security ive been there a year and ive been five minutes away for almost every call in shift... i havent taken more than one week off that whole time and there is absolutley no job secruity.. and worse it is affecting my son.. i don't give a fuck about the finacals but when it starts to affect my little boy i get concerenced and even worse when I coul;d have him this weekend bu

Not the best start to a day and a visit...... but we saw Santa Claus at the Hamilton parade!!! Him being around makes all the stupid anger about work politics and her nonsense melt away.... i can deal with venting about that later. today is about him being happy and hanging out with daddy... he didn't sleep a wink last night he was excited about seeing me.. i have to figure out how to get work and time with him straight... i don't know if i should be sacrificing my saturdays..... he means so much and i wonder how much the job means to me... i care about the kids there but i care about him more and we will see what the new year brings... Current Mood: Happy, Excited.

sometimes the answer to a question inside the head comes from from an unlikely place.. a conversation over lunch with my mother did more for my mental health today than the lack of sleep i have been suffering from the last few days.. things happen for a reason and even when that reason sucks it's nice to have people to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Current Mood: Bored. Current music: Revolution Calling, Queensryche.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Current Mood: At Peace.

One should not want to go to work because of diffrences between the way someone is treating a client... the biggest frustration is to be working side by side when it's happening...and not being able to do anything about it because of the fact that person is a supervisior and has a big mouth..I am really starting to think about what side of the fence I should be in this industry.. i am really thinking of going back to university in the new year and being able to teach,I guess i should start writing agian. the goal is still to one day work at the children's advocate but the demon's are surfacing agian.. this time out of concern not out of anger or frustration... and it's not me that's being affected it's someone it should not be happening to... but then agian it's all a system of control to pump out politically correct drones for the private sector right? Madness comes, and madness goes An insane place, with insane moves Battles without, for battles within Whe

One little moment in time is all it takes for me to know that i am doing my job right and make me feel like i am needed.. the best part was it was a former client that no longer lives there... it makes all the disgusting politics and bending of clients rights to suit another's purpose all float away.. i was going to write a pissed off angry blog today esp. when she who should not be named screwed me over for a sunday visit after i worked a 24 hour straight shift but you know what i'll deal.. as long as i know i'm making a diffrence in these kids lives thats all that matters and someone else proved that to me today. Current Mood: Warm.

I am getting sick of the politics at work... the games are driving me nuts and you have to wonder why the kids are getting worse instead of better.. of course there own behaviors don't help there cause much but when it is transparent the reason why they are having issues because of some political whim and struggle for domination between the senior staff and two different viewpoints on how kids should be treated and whats allowed... I'm thinking this is not condusive to their emotional well being. of course I'm just a lowly grunt and not really entitled to my opinion i should just be glad i have a job right.... i need to stop taking this shit personally at every level, when and if i have the oppurtunity to walk away from this it has to be for the right reasons not because I'm feeling claustrophobic. Current Mood: Disillusioned. Fear. Fear attracts the fearful. The strong. The weak. The innocent. The corrupt. Fear. Fear is my ally.

One needs to start seriously persuing his career and attempting to get a position with the children's advocate a little bit more... when one's radar is going off and his moral center is bothering him one has no resort than to have a very strong backbone and account for a serious injustice when someone else is being shortsided in terms of ones rights.... i am glad that i got that off my chest and made sure i was in the right before i reported it to my boss... but i'm glad that i did... people i feel that take to many liberites with the job need to have a system of control in place... not much has chenged in about 20 years that much is becoming evident.... even as part of the system i still feel some of the things that are wrong with the system happen, which is ridiculous..... hopefully i can make for a little change esp. when i am willing to fight for my morals, judgements and beliefs. if somethigns wrong, Right it. The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hol

where to start? maybe with the irony that it seems that the only person i currently seem to be getting along with in my life is she who shall not be named? it's been an interesting weekend.... there's the whole argument that nearly led to a fucking fist fight with my landlord last night the sooner i find a new fucking place to live the better. i am sick of the abuse and it nearly came to a head last night.... he doesn't know who he's fucking with? then there's all the other fun goodies from the weekend.... like an early morning phone call bitching about me doing something that would have very specifaccaly violates one of my clients rights.... there is getting to be a breaking point with work... i mean i am sick of the internal bullshit and am trying to rise above it but when i am being set up in the crosshairs time and time agian by the same two idiots i'm not happy... I am not happy about the way my clients are treated or the lack of respect given to them. abo