Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

the Temptaion to go home was a little much for my little one at camp, it's not like i live across the street or anything but the camp director suggested that next year I get a one to one support worker for him in the program because thursday and friday he kept trying to sneak out and go home.... Of course, he wants to hang out with his daddy.. if he felt strongly enough about it he could have just asked to go home... i do live across the street.. he knows how to get there on his own. I feel that they didn't recognize the fact i was a single parent with him for a week of access either... if he wants to go home call me.. don't assume he has behavioral issues. I'm not going to ostracize him by having him placed with a one to one worker if there is no need... maybe next year we will go to a diffrent camp.. kinda sucks that they suggested that the christmas camp was a bad idea but you know what if i'm going to get that kind of attitude i'd rather he not attend anyway

So the reasons for the tantrum this morning have been explained, he wanted to stay with me bcause he thought he was going home sooner than expected... of course i explsined to him at 430 that he get's to have one more sleep and then dinner tommorow with me so he get's it.. he turned his day around and had a great day and completely forgot about this morning which is awesome so we are going to chill out and hang out for a little while and just do daddy little boy stuff and then cuddle on his futon together and watch the Batman Beyond movie i got him today... Current Mood: Awesome. Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

SO anyways after i minor tantrum this morning that probaly had 5 real reasons and about ten crocodile tears reason he finally settled in at camp, he has been having a good experince i just think the fact that we are doing stuff and going and going like the energizer bunny has caught up to him and he's getting worn out, Good he'll sleep all weekend for Mommy and maybe be back to a normal sleep schedule for her. he is really enjoying this week and minor behaviors are not an issue even tho he does need to outgrow the tantrums and the crocdile tears for attention bit.. i'm not one to reward attention seeking behaviors at any time esp. negative attention seeking behaviors... but tonight will be an easy day we will stay home and go swimming and just chill out and relax and have a night cudddling at home watching Ninja turtles... have one more nice night at home... He loves me so much it's so hard to let go esp. when he's upset but sometimes you have to let them roam free

You know it really must suck to have made enemies and to have to fear for the well being of your son when he is at somewhere that should make him very happy, I know for a fact that anyone I associcate with both past and present hold no ill will or malevolence towards either him or me... and Anyone that does has no contact with me such as facebook or real life, i'm not the one that involves total strangers in my lifes affairs... I have no enemy's i outgrew that kind of life a long time ago.. i wish that you would.. but that's too much to ask. Current Mood: Annoyed. When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.

Another early morning but the bedtimes are getting easier now and he's was very excited to go to marineland to see the dolphins and the other sea creatures, I'm so glad he has had this experinces even if He does have a little issue last night at the dojo with having a tantrum, i explained to him the consequences of his actions and he understood and it's all good. I hope he has a very good day, it feels so weird not having him around esp. knowing he on a feild trip in another city, but i trust His counsellors at camp and i hope he enjoys himself and has a really good day.... Current Mood: Hope. It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't.

Thinking about doing karate or jujistsu for displine soon as the behaviors today when we went to visit the dojo were very rude and emabarasing for daddy, it's all about self control when he wants something and can't have it like when it was time to leave and he didn't want to, and he want's to be a ninja but doesn't want to start with the basics.... I think this would be a very good thing for him to learn every other weekend and i will put him in it but he really needs to impove his behaviors when he's there or i have no problem taking him home instead of taking him to classes every saturday. Current Mood: Embarrased. Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability.

..and your really good feelings and emotions this week will be interrupted by some beracauatic Nonsense, gotta love how I'm back to work full time and because Someone else did something I'm not responsible for I might not be eligibale for assitance to get my criminalr ecord revoked and or my driver's license, so i can pay taxes when i'm working but when i ask for a teeny tiny bit of assitance back i get nothing, of course we can take care of terrorist tamil tiger's when they arrive on a fucking boat, but goddamnit i was born here what the fuck? I want to work, i want a better job, I'm sick of people hiding behind red tape and bullshit, it's not like living from paycheque to paycheque on can afford to do all these wonderful things on no money, i have to keep my kid fed... maybe i should just claim Disabilty and develop an addiction then these bleeding heart idiots might want me back on my feet and doing something with my life, or i can even become homeless an

"Daddy wake Up it's time to go to camp!!!" 7 am this morning.... what a great kid, actually went to bed and slept a whole night for me too.. he's been really well behaved for the counsellors and for me all day yesterday so i don't see what other people are seeing or I'm just choosing to ignore it... but given i'm the one trained in behaviors i doubt that highly. I find it really hard every morning letting him go independently into the world without me, i wonder if she feels this way every time he goes to school or to my house, it's one thing to send him home with mom at least I know he's somewhat safe in her care, but to send him into the great white world all by his lonesome.... really hard.. i guess every parent must go thru this when they have kids, i'm just noticing it now because it's the first time when we have time together that he's doing something without me. it's a diffrent feeling. Current Mood:Warm Any man can be a fathe

He wassleepy but excited.. Eyes went wide when he saw his name on the board and met his counsellor, I'm really glad that he has the oppurtunity to do this and I thank the people in my life that helped me make this happen, He is such a good little boy and going to camp at huntington will help his social skills and hopefully he makes some neighboorhood freinds in the neighboorhood, I'm not going anywhere in any hurry in terms of moving, I'm comfortable here and so is he... It would be nice if we could share it with someone but that's not an issue right now. She and him had a happy birthday yesterday and went out for her birthday dinner alone which was cool, he was so excited about that an camp he wouldn't go to sleep even tho he had big circles under his eyes.. hopefully camp get's him back to a more normal sleeping cycle. Current Mood: Happy.....!!!!!! Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice

Part of me feels really good about turning down an interview with FACS Niagara for Casual because of my employment currently, A month ago I may not have said the same thing because of the turmoil in my life, and 2 years ago it likely would have been my dream job, but right now I'm happy with my job and my little slice of suburbia, there's no bullshit here and i am at peace. Current Mood: Positive. It's choice - not chance - that determines your destiny.

It's nice to have day off to get my head together from the revealtions of the last week, and 40 hours plus of full time and day time is killing me, I don't think i can complain given the relative easyness of the job I have but when you have a stressful week it can come down upon you, making you wish for other things... my world isn't perfect and it's mine and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have fought to hard and given up everything Including that which matters most (but not by my own choice.) to be where i am in a relative state of comfort today.. so I intend to keep things that way and have my life remain status quo. Current Mood: Relaxed. Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.

Why does every indication of your behaviors indicate that you are nostalgic and wanting reconilation? I really don't care and am finally at a point in my life where you are an afterthought and entertaining the idea of getting backtogether just seems ridiculous, i know welcome to what i did to you for years.. the diffrence is I'm a t a point in my life where i don't need you and it's obvious that you've always needed me even tho youve tried to deny it to yourself and others...there's no looking back and I choose not to... but your behaviors indicate everything. There was a beauty living on the edge of town And she always put the top up and the hammer down And she taught me everything I'll ever know About the mystery and the muscle of love Current Mood: Tired. Behavior is a mirror in which every one displays his own image

So you've gotten a fucking taste of my world and you retreat into your good old self preservationist behaviors deluding yourself into a fantasy world that doesn't really exsist... explains why you are no longer on facebook and why I am your ultimate fear, because I've lived with the demons and the violence all my life, you can't even deal with it once. You're ideallic fairytale life is for you only and you don't realize how it is affecting our son, at least when he's with me he's protected from everything threats both pyshcical or otherwise.. if you were with him when you were attacked what would you do? I know... have the clone trooper get his ass kicked fighting his way out of a wet paper bag and this is the man you have around to raise our child with you? At least when he's with me he's learning not to be afgraid and to defend himself from people, I swore when i grew up i would never allow my child to be raised by a single mother, and or be an

Look you motherfucker... You better fucking hope that the fucking police find you before me and My gang of fools and freinds in St. Catherines Find you... I don't care if my ex wife has problems and can't keep her whore legs closed... No one in this world has a right to fucking hit, stalk or abuse one of my family members, that woman is the mother of my child and fucking with her is like fucking with me... and I don't take kindly to being fucked with, you're a coward anyways jumping her from behind... at least be a man fight from the front.. If I had been with her i would have probaly kicked all of your teeth out for attempting to assualt her, any time i've started a fight i've ended it, you sir are just as much of a pussy as her current partner and If i find you i don't expect you to continue breathing on your own for long... I'm a big fan of biblical justice and i will dole it out without restraint, you have no idea.. I can use my knowledge of restrain

Sometimes little girls need to grow up and Start facing reality, what happened to you this weekend was more than likely your own fault, but the fact you came calling on me as your protector and shoulder to cry on was telling, even tho you have a dark haired clone of me there right beside who keeps coming back to you like the whipped slave that he is... Nothing like having the clone trooper to replace me... at least you know that he'll always come back at your beck and call like a little lost lonely puppy dog.. it's time for you to grow up and face fucking reality... I think you got a taste of that this weekend, And as for the so called revolving door boyfreind, At least I can defend myself and my loved ones... it's too fucking bad that includes you.... I'm not someone who's gonna get my ass kicked i'm gonna go down dying to defend you....and the little one if need be, I might love you but right now I don't like you very fucking much, i even told your mother

We had a great weekend just hanging out and swimming, just being daddy and little man and when things are like that there is nothing that can change us or hurt us no matter whats going on in the world outside... We have our little place of peace on hamilton mountian and our freinds and family members here that he adores like uncle johnny and his cousin so it's all good, there is nothing that can get him down when he's with me, a little insomnia sure but thats just due to exictement... he doesn't get to spend time with daddy every day.... .. and surprisingly i did my first day shift at the new house after dropping him off on saturday and it was very peaceful, i feel this house is more suited to my talents and experinces and the fact i am full time now is weighing out that fact... the boys appreciate and respect me as do the staff and i never felt i had that at the other house... see where it goes but for now i am feeling positive. Current Mood: Positive. You can learn many t

I'll sleep when I'm dead, Today seems like one of those endless days with endless piles of bulllshit, it's nice to have 44 hours each week and get extra call in shifts when I have my son but that requires dealing with a babysitter on short notice and having to deal with my ex and her bullshit, kinda funny that someone says she's sleeping at 10 pm but when i get downtown apperantly she's hanging out with some tool in front of out of the past, without our son in tow.. lemme guess he's at his grandmothers, wonder who you were doing last night? I honestly wonder why i am persuing a job here in st. catherines when I have a perfectly good graveyard shift at home in hamilton with a secure apartment, ah yes i want something better to come out of my experinces and education and the position is for an educational assistant and i want to be involved in my sons life and the court order would be easier to enforce here, and there's the whole fact that the politics come st

so anyways sometimes all it takes is a phone call to fix things.... it's amazing how I am going to end the last chapter of my academic career with the one course i failed my first semester, hopefully if i just take the one course i won't fail and i can pass it with flying colours. Current mood: Determined. No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending

Nothing like looking at my fucking university application a relaizing that I can't fucking graduate unless i spend a few fucking months in windsor just to have my shit together, that's fucking ridiclous, some of the courses are replacing fucking courses i took when I was there at the university, nothing like thinking your moving forward when all you are fucking doing is staying fucking stagnant, I might as well give up hope on trying to move fucking forward, it's not like i can fucking afford to go back to to school on 10.25 an hour anyways. I'm gonna call the motherfuckers but who the fuck knows. Current Mood: Depressed. Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure

There is no point in moving backward when you are focused on moving forward, meaningless distractions and people that have caused you pain should just be left on the wayside, until they learn how to grow the fuck up, Nightmare Girls who haunt my dreams espically, i'm doing just fine on my own thank you, don't need any co-dependent emotional bullshit here, I have my own goals and they are becoming true, there's no more time to spend on you. Current Mood: Determined. The person who gets the farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore.

So anyways, the good and the bad is all out their laid bare for everyone to see, at least some of the more positive things i am wanting to happen are happening. I can see a lot of nonsense around me and I can see when someone is trying to direct messages to me, that's ok, I'm smart enough to direct them back and have some meaning to them, i.e. don't come round here No more, at least i know what I'm feeling most of the time, because it's anger and annoyance, I don't need to compete with a woman whose just a little girl whose two years older than me but more immature than my 6 year old. I live my life as who i am and provide for who I need to and that's it. there's no point in playing a game of one upmanship because you'll always have had the car and the house and everything before me... but of course i had the happiness and I don't live in a world full of misery by my own choosing, At least i can say i stood on my own two feet and never backed dow

It's hard to remain positive when you have the feeling that everything you do is looked down upon by another and she wants to send you subtle little messages about how little you mean in her life, of course I send the same messages back, namely because I no longer give a damn, I have my own things happeneing in my life and It's time to seperate the wheat from the chaff..As long as I keep focused and keep myself occuopied I have no reason to look back back on something that never was and never will be, there's not much I want anymore in this life and the longer people seem to involve themselves in proving they are better than me, well that's your disapointment not mine, I know who the better person is. Current Mood: Alone. As you get older, you find that often the wheat, disentangling itself from the chaff, comes out to meet you

So even tho personal bullshit is still bothering I am feeling very comfortable and secure with my employment, it looks like I am returning to a 40 hour regular week and it accomadates my schedule, What i thought at first may have been a demotion is actually looking like a very interesting promotion, the fact that these kids are a little older I think is maximizing my potentional as I am more used to dealing with latency and street involved age kids anyways, instead of institionilized tweens. As long as I remain confident and open to these older kids issues and needs I think i will be fine.. it does help that I have a positive attitude and why I am lucky enough to have advoided confrontation so far, I am confident i willl be able to handle any major issues.. the lack of the infighting and the politics helps at this house as well, Childern esp. children in care can sense when someone doesn't like another person and/or is talking behind their backs. Current Mood: Positive. All of life

Gotta love how one makes plans affecting his fucking job and you don't even have the fucking decency to tell me that you are going away for the week, how the hell i ever saw anything In you is beyond me and now you are holding all the strings and manipulating me like a fucking puppet, I tire of these bullshit games on a level you can hardly understand. Current Mood: Annoyed. Fuck you because I loved you Fuck you for loving you, too I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do

Sometimes it's nice to be able to come back to a shift i have been dreading because I am angry about something I put an unfair expectation on, and find that i have the solution to the problem due to the fact it's shift change and I can diffuse a situation that my boss/supervisior whatever is having an issue with, sometimes a nuetral, non jedgemental face is all that's needed to erase tensions, I had a great night at work last night and am starting to feel comfortable and needed at work agian, all it needs is one incident at work that i help diffuse and I show my skills and what i am worth even to people that may doubt me, I don't care if you like me as long as you respect me and my skills. Current Mood: Needed. The difference between can and cannot are only three letters. Three letters that determine your life's direction

Why the fuck do i allow my emotions and my feelings and judgement to be clouded by someone who obviulsy only wants to pull my fucking strings and have me like a little puppet on her strings, I see your subtle little fucking messages in everything you say and do.. don't think that When i see you playing nice for the moment that I'm not expecting an eventual Knife in the fucking back.. I know it's coming.... a 4am message about being loved/ not being loved? not a hint in the slightest is it... I'm not the one who has lived half my life yet.. you'll be 36 in 20 days, i'm not even looking at that number for 2 years.... At least when I look back my glory days are now and not ten years ago.. and I did things on my own terms and on my own way without any woman to define me, And I know that I define you... that little person we share in love makes sure of that, you and I both know anyone else you are with is a pale imatiaion of what you really want... 5 years later you

So anyways, after an awesome movie when we went swimming and hung out and went to see an awesome movie about a evil bad guy that becomes a great dad, we end up just chilling yesterday, he's so awesomely happy when he's with me and that's all that matters... It's enough for me to move on from my job when i am getting flak about taking a week off for something that was fucking planned when i was laid off and expecting the entire summer off, becauase when it comes to the Job and my Son, My Son Comes First. not quitting yet but obviously standing my ground. Current Mood: Happy. A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer.