Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's interesting who is around and me and who is not and how they are examples of the relfected self that I could have been and possibly have been in the past... i don't talk and joke around about my ethics and ideals, they are a part of me... i may walk the darker path, and i see the things that i have internalized and made a part of me and some of those things aren't entirely likable but i'd rather be dark and anti social and always fucking cynical than accept anything at face value, i have always had to fight for my place in this world, this is not a surprise... recently i just have to fight harder...normally distractions i would have once ignored suddenly become something i have to acknowledge with distaste but I would be a lesser person if i wasn't the man i AM. there's no point at looking at others and trying to remember who i was, i'm still that person, those decisions are made and are long behind me.. it just saddens me when i see people i care for a

having to go hat in hand begging to the lowest common denominator of the government today and spill all the facts out on the table about why i am a highly skilled member of the workforce but i cannot currently go back to employment was probably one of the most embarrassing things in my lifetime... i will not forget how i was made to feel today, it's fucking ridiculous what i have to do to keep a roof over my head and keep that little man's room in one piece so when he does come home, he comes home to the place he knows and loves... i will not sacrifice that for anything.... as long i do the right things and keep my head up high and not let myself be destroyed i will be fine.. i can survive.. i always have, when i set my mind to something nothing not even the gods themselves can stop me.... and i will nto be denied final victory.... Current Mood: Depressed. There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept

The time for sitting patiently and waiting for things to fix themselves is over.. it's now time to be on the offensive and to create a situation where victory is the only inevitable answer... there is nothing other than that left in terms of what's left of my life and the fact that I have stayed the course and not lost faith, of course there are people within and without my life who I do not need hanging on... and If i could see clearly back then I would erase or leave people forgotten that do not need to be in my life.... why in times of crisis am I the sane one when everyone around me is breaking down, Do these people not realize i'm the one completely shattered inside? But of course like the everlasting rock I am, i'm still when i'm needed.. even if it means one shoves the knife in and fucking out over and over.. when one walked away i should have stayed walking away.. for Christ sakes i was 300 miles away, it should have been an end.. now it is....I miss Windsor

The battle from now on is an uphill battle, and the light at the end of it and some small victories appear to be seen. it will be a long process but it seems that the start of it has begun and a lot of the anger and hate of recent days is dissapainting... I am doing the right things and while i may piss some people off that is part of my nature, as long as the right people are getting pissed off and at the end of the day the ultimate goal remains the samethere is no reason for me to ever doubt myself or decide that i need to just walk away, i'm too strong for that.. standing my ground today and making sure that things are happening the right way for the right reason is All about who I am... in this game of lies it's going to come down to character and I know that I am one... but i also know I am a better one... and the thin threads around anothers are beginning to tear apart at the seams.... i just need to keep looking forward to the immidate goal... which is most important. Cu

...And the games continue to be played and the answer's are not forthcoming, all i see around me is a sea of red and hate and All i want to do is be done with it all, i can go back to Windsor and pretend the year is 2003 again, and just not give a fuck, this is the price i pay for being the person i always have been, It might have been better if i was a cold fuck and didn't give a shit.. I am slowly morphing back into that person, anger and hatred were always a driving force in my life and now it seems that Even with all my education and accomplishments i am no further ahead than i was 15 years ago... at least back then My life wasn't completely a mess, now i just sit around brooding angrily hating the world and patiently plotting revenge in a legal manner instead of doing what my heart really wants to do and abandon the cold logic and dole out the true consequences with my fists... but i have to be cold and unemotional, logic and the fact that i am the better person in the

it's not the biggest victory in the world but it is a minor victory that will lead to bigger and better things, and it shows that when i can put my mind to something i can accomplish it and sitting around surround by my apathy and depression are not always the best ways to deal with things, face i'm an asshole and I'm a fighter, I'd rather tackle something head on and fight and not really give a fuck what other people think of me, at this point of my life i have nothing to prove to anyone.. it's time to do what's right and to be the most viscous person in the world when it comes to accomplishing my goals... It's sad that i didn't sleep a lot last night because i was thinking about things and where i stood in this world, I fought for everything i have ever had, i fought to be in my program for college, i fought to stay in the program and get good grades and i had to fight to get to university and to find a good fucking job. I've had an ongoing battle

I am once again bored by the constant nothingness in my life, I know who and what has caused this massive amount of blackness in my life and I almost think that it is almost not worth it to fight things correctly... it would be so much easier to provide an answer with my fists or a weapon but then that would make me the weaker man, and that's not the person I am, I despise the fact that i have to bide my time and turn the other cheek and just wait, when what's left of my life is crumbling and In shambles, At least I have enough entertainment at home i can just fade a way for a few days, hours or whatever and pretend that the outside world doesn't exist, But then again I wake up every morning knowing that it's a new day and today nothing will change, I just have to wait for the morning when I know that their will be changes, and Judgement. Current Mood: Angry. There is darkness inside all of us, though mine is more dangerous than most. Still, we all have it—that part of

Navigating the strangeness that is my life is not the easiest task in the world, i am still waiting On the next step but every day, tick tick tick the day of rdemption and the days of judgement are at hand, as long as i sit and wait and be patient one day all of these days will pass and one day things will go back to normal, I just need to remain positive and look out for the bright things in my life instead of constantly looking down a dark hole.. Current Mood: Bored. The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.

The darkest places of my mind are often not somewhere i should be dwelling but it seems recently that these are the places that give me comfort and hope and they remind me that even in the worst of times i can escape from whatever demon is troubling me... I just have to wait and show the patience that i have always had. A quiet man plots quietly and doesn't make a sound. I am sick of the fact that all my forced upon me for conformity was for nothing, and the fact that All i have in this life that i have sacrificed for is temporarily gone... Of course all of those things are material there is only one legacy, one thing that will remain of me when I am gone... and he is worth fighting any demon and any battle... I just wish the road wasn't so goddamn Long. Current Mood: Determined. It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

I did not choose this life, and it is not a life i would choose upon anyone, there are aspects of my life that suck and there are things beyond my fucking control but I know for every experience and every hurt That one day i will end up stronger because of it, all of my challenges, all of my experiences and all of the pain have made me a stronger more resolute man, and I will not back down from anyone... If i go out in a blaze of glory like billy the kid, that's fine.. i'm ready to meet my maker, personally i think he's afraid of me... when I get there there's a lot that he's got to fucking answer for, and i'll be well armed. At least if i'm going to hell, you're coming with me. But I'm not ready Yet. There are two things in this world that define me, one Most importantly Is being a father and that is not something you can ever take away, the other is being a Child and youth worker, and While you may be able to fucking stall me you can not destroy me