Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I have decided that i like being the villain more than the hero and that I should be looking out for myself and not the rest of the fucking world, it's time to take a deep look inward and deal with everything i have to and the other people that are ancillary to my fucking life can find someone else to leech off of, I am losing patience with the world and this break will be a very good thing for my mental health.... it has been too long with me staring at an empty room surrounded by my little man's things it's time to get away for a while... he should be coming with me, but circumstances dictate otherwise so it's time for me to find myself again and go home for a little while and clear my head... Current Mood: Restless. There's two things they forgot to tell you about me: I don't CARE what happens to the world, and I DON'T play nice with others!

MY next step is going away from here and finding myself for a little while instead of staying at home and allowing all this fucking pent up raage to consume what little sanity i have left, it's time to go home and enjoy myself for a minute and remeber who the fuck i really and stop pretending to be someone who passed away a long time ago.. i still have my ideals and i have my ethics but at the current moment it is time for the person who is sitting around patiently waiting for his life to move on without him like i have been doing for the past year, it's time for that person to die, it's summer time.. it's time while still being the person that i am and being the anarchist that i am, it's time to have a little fun, it's time to be around people that i feel comfortable with and happy with and enjoy some good memories, the thing that makes this harder and makes it sting a little is if circumstances were diffrent, me and little man would be making that trip and spe

I should not be sitting here on a fucking battlefield waiting for the next shoe to drop and half expecting to have the chess master sit there and make peace with someone she knows i can use in court, and then have a phone call from out of fucking nowhere stating the obvious, Obviously i hold a fucking grudge and there is no way in hell i was going to use you unless i had to as I still blame you for a lot of the fucking bullshit that has happened in mine and my sons life, telling me to man up and be a man when you obviously don't know the situation and you have only heard the fucking bitches side of the story and then calling me out of the fucking blue... i asked you a question the correct answer would have just to have been to say no, as it is I don't give a damn because i don't need you, but it is interesting to see the levels of psychological war she is attempting to stoop too.. i wonder where you and her made up and got friendly again, was it in a bar? was it over drinks

I should not be sitting around afraid to engage someone that trusts me on my home turf because of someone else's mechanations, of course, this being my hometurf it's even more annoying to see former clients that i have to directly advoid because i don't feel like answering questions to them because i don't have any real answers, and even less that i can afford to share with them...I can hardly explain it to myself and other adults how the hell am i going to explain it to them, i seriously think the fucking clock is ticking on living in Hamilton. I am basiclly to the point where i feel that maybe i should move on, but i don't think that is going to happen in a hurry if for nothing else, there is still the fucking fact that i have a nice house and supportive people that i share the house with, i'm just sick of having to deal with all the rest of the extended fucking bullshit... I had a good job, there is no reason i should basicly surviving every day in fucking su

I am sick of waiting for an answer for the next step in the never ending battle for my soul and my heart to continue, the sleeplessness and the vow of poverty that i never fucking took are starting to take their fucking tool, every day i get a little more angrier and little more depressed... this is all about waiting.... it's the speed of slow... at this point in my life i feel that I am living my life in reverse and seriously questioning decisions i have made in my life, would i have been happy if i had not abandoned Windsor and my life their and been a deadbeat dad? or would the rotting festering hole in my heart be even bigger than it is now... this is a question i can't answer as i do truly know the answer and I would never have changed anything had i been able to see the future... I miss my former life and i do not like the one i have now, but i am strong i am a fucking survivor and this like all the shitty things that have already happened will someday pass, it's jus

I am sick of being a ball of Fucking useless wasted Anger... It's very hard to maintain complete control over my fucking emotions when i find out something like today that the fucking government has stalled once again... gotta love when the goddamn Government does everything that is expected of them, it's not about children and their rights and it's about money, and the fact that their is no money involved is what motivated them not to fucking care, as if they cared in the fucking first place... you know what tho, everything done wrong or forgotten about is fuel and it will feel a fire and it will become evidence later... i gotta remember that in my darkest days and when i am very angry... Current Mood: Angry. Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.

Once in a while someone comes around and reminds me why I should not be looking back on my friends and relationships in Windsor with rose colored glasses, I have to remind myself that sometimes people need to deal with their own bullshit and circumstances in life and allowing them to crash for a day or two or trying to give them helping hand is just enabling them, and worse it just enabling them to walk all over me... I have had enough of being walked on by she who should be named... but i am to the point in my life where there is a very fucking good reason i am a fucking asshole and it's probably better for me to be alone and miserable and enjoy the fact that i have solitude rather than have fairweather friends around who only come crawling around when they need a fucking handout due to their own decisions, I'm not the guy i was in Windsor, so fucking what, if that makes me a bigger asshole so be it.. I never planned in this life to be the nice guy... I have my own shit to d

My life is just another day and another day of waiting for something in my life to change, I need to do something to break out of this killer and deadly cycle of nothingness, all i seem to do is play the same scenes over in my mind and barely survive on my wits, it's sad when i have 20 bucks to my name and i have to make choices between food or transportation so that i am stuck bored out of my skull in suburbia, I am so frustrated by the current state of things and It's just another long wait until the next stage of my life and a return to normalcy, but sometimes, just like the green mile... that wait is so damn long.... Current Mood: Frustrated. ..great lives are not made through comfort, they are made through adversity.

I don't see things in shades of grey most of the time, often i only see things in black or white, good or bad, but lately i am starting to only see things in a shade of red, Anger and depression seem to dominate my life and I know this is just another chapter in my life and that it will not last forever and things will go back to normal or as normal as they can be eventually, it's just so fucking hard hard waiting on that day.... the more things seem to move forward the more i seem to be in a repeating cycle of stall tactics from everyone involved.... It seems like when one has made a mistake it's very easy to hide behind it because No one will admit to that mistake... but you can drag a man down and destroy him by making said mistake.... but This was the game plan from the start to eliminate me from the equation, there are easier ways to destroy a man, but here's the thing, I don't surrender Ever, My life can be Hell, I've been there before, i will be there ag