Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

When I said that Mercy stood Within the borders of the wood, I meant the lenient beast with claws And bloody swift-dispatching jaws. My turn for the mindfuck. The ring will always be here. My willingness to give it to you one day may not. One day you're betrayals will be final. I'll forever forgive you, but not myself. One day I'll willingly walk into the mist of the falls and that will be the end of our story. I dont know how much longer I can be stronger when you keep breaking me down. I know I can't trust you, even after I bought you the ring I'll never give to you. I honestly wonder if the truth of the matter is you want to box me into a corner emotionally with all this... So I say fuck it and stare down into the abyss and let it absorb me. So I'm gone. I've already faced that darkness. I will never ever be that coward. That's the easiest way out. I do things the hard way. I always have. Even if it means the burden of constant pain. You cla

This has been a year of Revelation and a year that my entire worldview has changed. I never thought at this point in my life I would still be in love with you, and worse that I would feel this strong about it that I am willing to do something this drastic. But it's done. The Letter I have been afraid to write for the last decade and a half is written. Every hope and fear and wish and dream is within. You are the only roots I have ever put down in my life. That's gotta count for something. I have to do this, I am terrified of it because you might ignore it or say no. But there's that small chance you might say yes, and that means everything. The reality is the biggest reason I'm still on this earth is I need to be here for the both of you. Forever. I'm not going anywhere. I will always be here. There are reasons I write this letter over and over and never send it. You have hurt me on a level that cuts to the bone... It's more than skin deep.

16 years ago today I made a mistake, one I don't think you will ever forgive me for. But it was the only choice I had back then. Maybe I read you wrong and I should have sacrificed everything I was in that moment and just bought you the ring then, I'm sorry I didn't. I think we might have been happier but I had no reason to trust you let alone still love you. I'm sick of being betrayed, then as in now. I love you but I don't trust you, and you have had many chances to change things but you make the decisions and then blame me for the eventual repercussions. I'm still here, I'm still trying to love you, bit I'm not going to be the one you blame for everything anymore. You made a decision the same as I did to set things in motion. We could have fixed this a long time ago. You chose not to. Now I'm just trying to fix it with whatever time we have left. Yeah I may regret decisions made. But I don't look back on them as a complete mistake. I may

There is a difference between you and me. We both looked into the abyss, but when it looked back as us, you blinked. Our war has been over for several years but echoes in you're head remain I am sure if it. It's probably one reason I'll never be good enough, but it won't be for a lack of trying. I'll always be here. Even when I don't want to be. this lockdown has kept me from going to the place where I would choose to end it... Even tho I know I never would. I'm just sick of facing all the dark places alone and the only thing keeping me living is that fact I have a family out there... I am missing you terribly. Things have changed. Things will always have changed because I wanted them to. I needed you to know that. I don't need you in my life. I want you in my life. There is a huge difference between the two. You need to learn what the difference is. I'm not fucking disposable when you get upset with me. Not anymore. I'm done being tha

All I know how to do with you is fight. Yet you think after 20+ years I won't fucking fight for you. I try to have patience so we don't rush into the wrong fucking decision but I am fighting for you. I expect you to betray me so I don't fight you very fucking hard. But I do fight. You have drained the willingness to do anything from my soul and you expect me to be the boy I once was, instead of the bitter broken shell of a man that I am now. There is no middle ground. All that's left is what you couldn't destroy or take away from me. Love that. Not you're ideal of that man I used to be. He's dead. He's gone. All that's left is the warrior who never gave up. Everything else was stripped the fuck away in a moment where you decided I was disposable. The feeling I get constantly when you decide you don't need me. I know you'll be back so I patiently wait, but I'm just a fucking sucker for that. I think I liked it better when I was a

I don't know where the hell I stand right now. I just know that the war is over and I have changed the fucking rules to my advantage. Even if it goes nowhere, you know where I stand and what's been sacrificed at this late stage of the game. I never thought we would be here. I never thought I would love you agian. I thought the pain would always constantly hurt and we would hate each other eternally. Going into this new year. I'm not sure where we stand but I know it's a different place than we have ever been. I don't trust you at all and I can't bear to wait to talk to you constantly. It's not great for my mental health. And the things I need to tell you are all fucking bottled inside waiting to explode. Maybe I should just fall back in love with the bottle, I have plenty of it... Then the pain will go away agian. I'm just sick of being hurt and not knowing where things are going... The saddest part is I always expect the knife... You a

I know, because I was like you once. Bitter. Alone. Mad as Hell. But I didn't let it consume me. I put it to work. There are days the depression is overwhelming and the only thing that stops it is you're voice. I don't think you will ever understand that and how broken I have been all these years that we have been apart. I have tried to destroy myself for so fucking long I do not think I know any other course of action when you are not in my life or worse when I think you are angry with me or hate me. Maybe I deserve to be hated. Maybe I deserve to be gone. But for some stupid reason I'm still standing. I'm still here. I am having issues I haven't had in a long time about you not being a full time part of my life. It hurts to feel that I am so fucking disposable to you and my son's life. I wonder in a few months if I should seriously look for a fresh start and never look back. He's a man now he doesn't need me. And you've made it clear y

For far too many years I have had faith in us one day, and maybe finally, it might have paid off. I am so sorry it took me so fucking long. We just lost our way, maybe we've found it agian. Baby steps. I'm not rushing. I look back on choices made and I have regrets, maybe I read you wrong. Maybe I should have done things differently. We do fight, we hold grudges, and I don't know where this is going. I have faith in us but we have torn strips off of each other for years and weaponized our other relationships agianst each other. We keep going down that fucking rabbit hole I don't care how much fucking faith I have in the fact this might work if I let you in... You tearing me apart about things from a decade ago because I was lonely and missing you and needing companionship, that's not fair. If you wanted to be there you would have been. I am done feeling guilty for things I haven't done.  I may love you, I may have expected this day to come a lot sooner t

You are my little lost broken bird. The best thing I ever did was stop going to war with you. Regardless of everything else... I know you will always fly back to me somehow... Maybe one day it'll be permanent. There are some regrets. I never should have left Niagara a second time but the pain of being so close to you was too much to bear. I should have looked into the disability bullshit then, I know I'm broken. I can't change that. It was stubborn pride. I know whatever the outcome at this point, I'm doing the right thing for my little family. Period. I should have taken this action years ago. Things would have been different.. I am glad that you like it... And I am ready for the next stage in our life, no matter what comes. All I know is that I can't live without you... And this is the best possible decision I have ever made and I wish I had done it years ago instead of listening to other angry voices. I am making different choices and doing things d

For the first time in many years I have hope about this day rather than fucking dreading it. I have made a major change in my life and my circumstances and where I stand. Let's see if she reciprocates. It felt really good to buy her a belated xmas gift yesterday. With no expectations. I don't know where this year is gonna lead but I feel that it's going to be different than the last few. For once I accomplished all the goals I set out last year and I'm looking forward to some I plan to set this year. I reflect on my life and there is one true constant. 20+ years and one person stands out. Whether it was love or war you were always there in my life... That's gotta stand for something... It's come around to love agian... It's something to say that I do think you are the only person outside of my son that will ever mourn me. Sixteen years I've carried this grudge and it's lifted. I don't know where things are going and I don't fucking