This has been a year of Revelation and a year that my entire worldview has changed. I never thought at this point in my life I would still be in love with you, and worse that I would feel this strong about it that I am willing to do something this drastic. But it's done. The Letter I have been afraid to write for the last decade and a half is written. Every hope and fear and wish and dream is within.
You are the only roots I have ever put down in my life. That's gotta count for something.
I have to do this, I am terrified of it because you might ignore it or say no. But there's that small chance you might say yes, and that means everything.
The reality is the biggest reason I'm still on this earth is I need to be here for the both of you. Forever. I'm not going anywhere. I will always be here.
There are reasons I write this letter over and over and never send it. You have hurt me on a level that cuts to the bone... It's more than skin deep. You are a part of my soul. One I can't do without. But you are one part of my soul I can do without if all you are going to do is cause me continued pain. You almost destroyed me once. Writing this letter, opening that door agian... I don't know if I can face it agian...
I have written this letter a hundred times and never sent it. Something has changed because this time I sent it. I guess it was always going to be written. I just didn't have the words till now.
This is something I had to do for me as much as I had to do for you, I need to know I tried. Even if it falls on deaf ears. It needs to be done.
You are my family, you always will be no matter where we stand. I promise.
It's done. It's bought. I have nothing left to prove to you except to mail this letter to you. I am deathly afraid of sending it. But if I have published this journal it means I have. I'm fucking terrified that you might reject it and might reject me, agian.
It takes all I can do just to not call you everyday to check that you're alright. I worry about you constantly. The fact things have changed and I haven't told you yet plays on my mind heavily.
When we talk it feels like the entire universe is in our words. I never thought I would have such a hard time to write this letter but I do feel it's my last chance and I am pouring my soul into every word.
But it's written, it took me a few days just to write out everything I needed to. And now it's sent. I just hope I did the right thing instead of bottling it for another five or ten years.
Writing this was harder emotionally on me than saving and buying the ring. That was just me validating how I feel for you. This was me actually telling you.
I should have done this sixteen years ago instead of serving paper. Maybe things would have had a different outcome. I am sorry I kept you waiting so long.
I am happier when you are in my life... I think you feel the same. That's why this feels right. That's why i think this makes sense.
There are a million things I need to tell you and pride holds me back from saying word one. I need to learn to talk to you agian, without anger, with patience.
I question everything, for good or bad, I don't question this. Its the right decision, its just going to take some time.
There are things I need to do in this life, this letter, one I am still kinda of afraid to send, and the weight behind it... These are things I need to do. I may love you that's not in question. But I need to be able to one day look my son in the face and tell him that I tried to do the right thing by you, in every moment you gave me the opportunity, the difference is now I am not turning back or running away. I am standing and fighting. This is how.
I reflect on all this and how much both of us needed to grow up and become who we are now. And I expect it to still take years. But at least you know where I stand.
Ill never tell you how depressed and lonely I get without you in my life and by my side. I don't need anyone else, I just need you. Those few precious moments you were in my life mean more to me than anything else I have ever done in my life.
I know sending this will change everything. For some reason writing to you has always held more power than my words. Maybe because its something real and tangible that you can touch and hold. I don't know the reason but the reality is every time you've came back to me of you're own accord and truly loved me its because I wrote you a love letter. Maybe its time that I did that for a while agian. I Probaly shouldn't have ever stopped. You needed the validation in moments I didn't even give you a chance. Maybe now its time for our chance.
Win or lose, at least I can look out son in the face one day and say I tried. One day I'll be able to tell him despite everything, that I truly loved his mother and it never went away. It never has. It never will.
I didn't think I was missing anything in my life until you came back into it. Then it became very clear how much I was missing you. That's why the decisions I've made have been made. I needed to grow up and prove to you a few things. I'm working on it.
This letter is step 2.
If nothing else I should have written this years on so we could both move on. I don't think either of us ever will. But its written and now its sent.
I should have written it to you years ago so you knew exactly where I stood and where I still stand. I will always be here and I will never back down from that responsibility to you both.
No matter how many times you push me away deliberately or with you're silence.
I'm lost without you. I'm done being wild and crazy and wandering. I still want to go on adventures but I want to do them with you, the way it should have been.
It hurts a lot when I'm not with you epically when you come in and out of my life recently. I'm never going to go anywhere but you can't constantly do this to me. I love you. Make a choice if you want me in or out of you're life. I'm good either way. One is what I dream about. And one will hurt like he'll but I can't go on like this hurting every time you go away.
I want you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, like I always have but I can't do it when you keep disappearing on me.
After today, no matter the outcome everything is going to change... Once I put stuff in writing and send it to you, things do change. They always have. Good or bad I'm going to accept whatever happens. But this is something I needed to do.
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