Fuck trying for anyone else anymore. I’m going to get busy doing for me. I am happy and at peace. It’s time for me to celebrate and have some fucking fun with my life.
I’m gonna hang with my freinds and see a Favorite band. And remeber a fucking time when I was cool and lived for today and didn’t give a fuck about responsibilities and the future because I was fucking seventeen and eighteen on the Toronto Queen street strip and I didn’t care about the future because I didn’t fucking have one. For fucks sake I didn’t have a place to stay.
But I hung out with bands and groupies and did my own thing, and I had lots of fun doing it. I haven’t felt this positive about doing something for my birthday since my 24th at Casadora, and that was an entirely diffrent animal… and it’s where I should fucking be. But I’m not, that’s where Life took us… so I’m gonna live my life the way I always have.
No fucks given.
I think you’ve forgotten, I don’t care if I die tomorrow, as long as I leave a good story today. I’ve fought my battles, I have nothing to have any regret or remorse for. There are no roots put down anywhere. I have one thing left that’s important to me, past that I have nothing left to prove.
I live my life a quarter mile at a time, because that’s all there is. I won’t have a house, I won’t ever put roots down agian, savings? That’s a fucking joke. And we’ve all seen what having a wife did to me… there are no children in the near future either. And I’m the only one that’s likely to have one.
If something ever changes that’ll be on the one I already had the kid with. But for the moment she makes her decisions, and I’m making mine. I’m doing all the fucking things we always said we would do together. The sad part is I’m doing them alone even tho every fucking time I invite you.
There will come a moment and soon where even that tiny bit of fucking hope will stop. It’s not today, maybe not even tommorow. And I’d like to see you there. But no expectations.
Not anymore. I don’t need you’re validations anymore. You’ve proved where both of us stand. I know I will always be the better person even if I decide to party my life away in my old age.
I sacrificed 27 to 47 to try to be a good Husband (one you ever wanted.) and a good father.the next twenty are mine. I figure that’s all I got left. I might as well enjoy them.
Happy birthday Me.
Don’t forget when I’m partying tomorrow night that I invited you. I wanted you by my side. Like I always do. We are complicated. But times is running out…
…I’m stubborn too.
It’s not just about you, people are evolving and I’m starting to move past them too. I love my friend’s but I will move on when it becomes obvious that I’m just a sideshow act in their lives and I shouldn’t have to scramble to figure out the next move because I have wasted, time, money and energy I don’t have to do something with those I care about… I’ll fucking bail… that was the fun part of my old life in thorold… it wasn’t about anyone else, I did for me and my kid, and i didn’t have the social life I have now…
I want the ones that going to be there at the end, not the ones who just give lip service to a good time. I’ve had enough of these type of freinds and these type of birthdays…
Fuck this birthday… again. I hate getting old but spinning my heels. It’s the same shit. Nothing changes. Unless I do.
I’ll move on. I’ll never look back….
…on anyone.
I only looked back once and only for once person, and it’s not who you think it is. But he’s adjacent to her and always will be.
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