The fact I have and have always suspected you of drug use because of your erratic behaviour and decisions over the years shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You’re life is falling apart and you are the only one hiding bullshit anymore. I have nothing to hide and I don’t do drugs. I am losing patience with the person that you are.
I no longer believe you to be the person I once knew. I’m not even sure that person ever existed and wasn’t just a mask of your real personality. I’m not sure I ever really knew you. I know what it’s like to be an alcoholic, I am one. That’s why when I drink it’s very controlled. And I know drug addicts, and you’re behaviours just seem to get worse digging that fucking hole.
The people you are with and the rumours that I have tried not to hear for decades all correspond. I no longer feel any guilt for thinking I was the lesser person. I know that I’m not. I did everything I could and it was never enough for you.
I am the better person, and I’ll be the better person for eventually walking away. I did before, I can do it again.
I won’t watch you slowly die as an outsider to my child’s life. I hate to fucking say it, but there are now days I expect that phone call because I can’t tell your truths from your lies, I don’t think that you can either. That’s part of the problem, you don’t live in this reality and you dull whatever pain that’s left in your life….
My biggest problem is I can always tell in your voice when you lie to me, and I all I hear these days is a lie and attention seeking behaviour with no resolution. I’m too old for this shit and I’m not saving someone who doesn’t want or need to be saved. I won’t let you drag me down into your hell either. I’ve seen where you’re life leads. It wasn’t, and has never been mine. It just destroyed mine.
If and when you go down in flames, I’ll be there for him, whether or not I can promise the same for you will always be determined by the circumstances. If it’s a poison of your own creation, it’ll be a consideration of how I deal with.
Make no fucking mistake, I’ve been preparing to mourn you for most of my life. That’s always been on your actions. I think the problem is that now that you can no longer hide whatever you have become. Not from me, and not from anyone.
At least before maybe you had me to blame but now you have nothing and no one and your world is crumbling. You want me to save you from the ruins you, yourself have created. But I’m not there anymore.
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