Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

its an illusion of me in your head that you have. it's just an ideal of the boy i once was, all damaged and shattered back then. he isn't the man i am now. you always seem to forget that those good pieces of me you carved away a decade ago. i am simply all that remains of that good idealistic man, theres a few pieces of my soul missing, the ones you took from me. you destroyed who i am, it doesn't matter if i still see myself as that person, Ill never be that person again. you took all that away. you destroyed all that was good and pure and you wonder why i embraced being the Villian?  thats all on you.  I'd rather be the bad guy in your life, because at least that way the perimeters of our relationship are fuckin defined. and I'm free to have my peace and enjoy my life. I'm not even close to the true villain in your life, you have worse ones in your head and that's not even the most affected part of our lives.  My nightmares don't compare to the reality

  I don't know where we stand. and i don't know if it's malicious, fairytale or just you trying to stay in orbit in my life for some strange reason, but when we are on the same page on some shit but so far away at the same time its odd that you would do a thing to change everything. I do things, and i do them in my own way... this is how my life has always been. sometimes the stars align and we are on the same page. sometimes not.  our problem is there is no trust and no faith in each other. and as long as that exists and we don't we will never get off the ground. you cant have a relationship without understanding and trust. and while I'm willing to do one without question snd with open arms, the other was broken a long time ago and you're actions have still not changed enough for me to trust you. No trust no relationship regardless how much some days we both may want the security of it. we cant subsist on old memories to go forward. those days are over the worl

I pass in and out of peoples lives. sometimes i wonder why they come back. sometimes i wonder if the issue is me. i do grand things and i back up my plans and words and maybe sometimes thats too much for some. but all i have ever asked from those that i love is honesty. i don't care if things fall apart. all i need is the truth.  I'm getting to the point i don't trust fucking anyone. and being betrayed by those that are at best fairweather fucking friends when im not exactly finacally fucking stable.  there are reasons i keep my circle small and those i truly trust even closer. it takes a lot to be a part of my life and and i am seriously considering withdrawing from some of my social activities again because it seems like the last couple years they just turn to shit and all i am doing is losing money. i have stopped caring about a lot of people in the past and it can be real fuckin easy for me to walk away from agian. id rather work on the relationships both old and new th

  I don't let anything ever scare me, but your words did. you always know where to stick the exact sharpest part of the knife... very few moments in my life you have ever intimidated me, this is the first time you triggered a panic attack... I'm not sure at this moment i can just forgive and forget... i was scared now i don't know if i should be angry or disappointed... i know its a cry for attention, and i fall for it every time, but given our history its a burning red flag any time you involve or invoke our friends in blue... and i have no intentions or expectations of surviving the next encounter with them... as always, you say things but its always with malicous intent, and its empty without your actions to back them up. empty words ring hollow when you've destroyed everything and every relationship I've ever had of value in my life, because your selfish actions. just because i have learned to dance in the fire every-time you destroyed me, doesn't mean I'

I miss you Dad, i always looked forward to picking up that phone and making the father's day call between us... that was ours... that was special. It hurts you're not here. I need your advice most of all when it comes to everything in my life about being a father. You taught me everything. You're strength runs through me, thank you for always being at my side... I just wish you were here now to ask the questions I need to. you taught me everything about being a man, and how to be a good Dad. I love you, Dad.  Happy Father's day.

"You wanna get nuts?? Let's get nuts!" I know that I'm Mentally unstable... but i am and have always been more put together mentally than you are. I don't need the Chaos and the pain that you're involvement in my life brings. I have enough inside my own head and inside my own life that i don't need to be waking up to Mz. Hyde at my side... always waiting for the next knife at my back...you've already placed enough there. I shouldn't have to be hyper vigilant at this point about you, you abandoned me, just like everyone else in my life, multiple times... now that you know how it feels you keep me around as the ultimate back up plan... thats not how this works... when you play the ultimate mind games again and again, i start to worry and wonder because you've used the nuclear option to destroy my life before.  I can't trust you, i Don't respect you or your life or your behaviour or your actions... it doesnt matter how deep and buried thos

When it fucking rains it pours, I only achieve a peaceful moment when my life decided to fall apart again. there is no happy balance. its selfishness and attention whoring. i don't need anyones drama in my life period. it sucks worse when its right after a happy moment when I've found peace with myself. those are very real things, that have importance to me.  I am Comfortable in my skin for the first time in my life and I don't need my ptsd triggered because i hate cops a day after i had one of the best experiences in my life and really came into my own with my character.  I am happy. all that is wanted is for that to be ruined and mind-games... same old story 3 decades on. We are better than that. I'm better than that. time to close that door agian and move the fuck on.  its not them that keeps me anchored here. im only here because i made a choice to take care of someone else I love, thats all that keeps me here period. Otherwise, soyanara. I'm done with things th

   I have a good life and good friends. and i wouldn't change that for anyone anymore.  i don't need anyone that doesn't want to be involved in my life. friends or family. period. i have and will walk away from friendships over 20+ years if i feel slighted. and i give no fucks. i have plans for this summer? do u know how people will gladly take those tickets? yeah. i have my ride or die people. I'm going to stick with them. Dumbledore is the professor i should have been in a past life and i am comfortable in my skin. I'm able to be happy and ignore problems and the real world for a few hours in that outfit. its an act but it is a very real reflection of who i should have been.  My world is big and reflects who i am now. i am not waiting on anyone. As for people that are full of jealousy and Drama in the community, theres a reason i stand apart. i walked away once because of politics. i can easily do it again, but for the moment I'm having fun.. but I'm not t