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Empty Words.

 


I don't let anything ever scare me, but your words did. you always know where to stick the exact sharpest part of the knife... very few moments in my life you have ever intimidated me, this is the first time you triggered a panic attack... I'm not sure at this moment i can just forgive and forget... i was scared now i don't know if i should be angry or disappointed... i know its a cry for attention, and i fall for it every time, but given our history its a burning red flag any time you involve or invoke our friends in blue... and i have no intentions or expectations of surviving the next encounter with them...


as always, you say things but its always with malicous intent, and its empty without your actions to back them up.


empty words ring hollow when you've destroyed everything and every relationship I've ever had of value in my life, because your selfish actions.


just because i have learned to dance in the fire every-time you destroyed me, doesn't mean I'm always the bird of flame, Demons and Devils are also Born of flame and fire... and i am the ultimate spawn of hell as far as you are concerned  and you goddamn well know it.


the thing is, at this point, if you were burning in a ring of hell, i would let you burn. i wouldn't look back. no remorse, only a light for my cigar.


when the biggest thing that holds us together than our child is our trauma bond, its time to sever that fucking tie. I will always be here but... its been 13 years... we cant keep being bonded by all the things that forced us apart. there is a reason in that moment i wasn't there. and thats always going to be on you and you're selfish choices... you cant ever take back that decision in 11' and it destroyed all our lives. 


One day i have to Move on. 


I shouldn't be the least aggravating thing in your life either. i should be the most aggravatingly annoying thing in your life.  this drama and bullshit you endure in your personal life didn't happen when i was involved in your life. It shouldn't happen now. I am you're worst enemy and the only shoulder you're allowed to cry on.  somehow that isn't fair to both of us. 


i am only interested in happy moments and i am days away from making a big idiotic gamble just to see if you will come... but its 100 percent a consideration for my own mind.


The truth is you know I'm miserable in hamilton, and its time for me to plan for the end. because we both know what comes next, but god forbid you allow any future planning that involved me past you're immediate needs in your fuckin life... this is why one of us will be enjoying life and having epic shit in our sixties and one of us will be miserable.. because I never needed anyone to define me. Because You always did.


That pedestal i once held you to? you destroyed that with your own actions.  I'm not even angry anymore. just disappointed that you cant give me the things that bring me peace and happiness without you without needing attention.

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