Stuck In Your Head.

its an illusion of me in your head that you have. it's just an ideal of the boy i once was, all damaged and shattered back then. he isn't the man i am now. you always seem to forget that those good pieces of me you carved away a decade ago. i am simply all that remains of that good idealistic man, theres a few pieces of my soul missing, the ones you took from me. you destroyed who i am, it doesn't matter if i still see myself as that person, Ill never be that person again. you took all that away. you destroyed all that was good and pure and you wonder why i embraced being the Villian?

thats all on you.

I'd rather be the bad guy in your life, because at least that way the perimeters of our relationship are fuckin defined. and I'm free to have my peace and enjoy my life. I'm not even close to the true villain in your life, you have worse ones in your head and that's not even the most affected part of our lives.

My nightmares don't compare to the reality and you and i both are aware of that fact. its why i fade away.

its your own actions you have chosen. and you've influenced mine, i have no regrets about everything i have ever done in your directions. id have spared us both the pain and our child as well but then we wouldn't have had our moments together. and for all the pain, hurt and bullshit I wouldn't have given them up for anything. because without the pain he wouldn't exist.

but neither he and I are your playthings or possessions, hopefully one day when he realizes that, hell realize what you took away.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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