Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I am here. I am not going anywhere. I know my life and my responsibilities. I just need us to be able to figure things out. I am invisible bin your life but I am still here. Maybe it’s time for the family ghost to make more of an appearance in your life. Maybe that’s not longer a question.  We have enough reasons to not be together maybe it’s time to question the reasons why we aren’t together and why we should be. I can’t keep being on the outside looking in.  I need a reason to be there and as it stands I do not have one to be there.  I can’t stay forever on the outside looking in. Something has to change. Time is running out. I am losing patience. I have been on the outside looking in in your orbit for 20 years because of your decisions. You and him simply being in my life isn’t good enough anymore. Not after two decades of us fighting. All or nothing works both ways.  It’s been twenty years since I made the decision to go to war. That’s completely on me.  Bu...

I am sick of just surviving so others in my life can be comfortable. If they make shitty decisions why should I be the one to fucking suffer. I need to be more agressive about myself in this coming year. Regardless of how I feel about people I think it’s fucking time that I make sure I make time and finances for me instead of this black fucking hole i constantly return to. Behaviours and attitudes have to change or I will make a major life change that won’t benefit anyone but me. Period.  Sometimes I have a right to be angry. Sometimes forgiveness and a walking away in seek of peace isn’t enough. You’re never going to allow me to truly be at peace and move on. Because you wont let me forget or allow this pain in my chest to ever fucking fade. So instead to deal with it, I choose to be angry. It’s an anger I can control.  One of the few things in our lives I can. That’s your damage. The only thing controlled in our worlds is how angry I get and how much I keep it bottled instea...

Remember, you’re here forever.  I’ve already been in this place half my life. And those are the years I consider the better ones of my life. We are broken, bruised and fractured and ruined. Nothing ever went right for us, the world got in the way. But the moments we do have are beautiful, and they are ours, no matter what happens, no matter what has happened. They can never take our moments away. They are locked away, in my head, in my heart… He was planned.  I don’t know the next step. I know we will play this game forever. It was nice to start a new year without you in my life. I haven’t had that since 2003. I know that I will love you forever. And I also know that you will never let me go anyways even if it turns to anger and malice once again. I thought I could live with it just being peace. But I don’t do peace. I do mayhem.  I have earned a fucking right to be distant and left alone. You don’t want me unless there is a drama and strife in your life. So you can have ...

I am at peace and it’s going to take one hell of a person to change that. There’s only one person I want in my life but I am aware she prefers as villain and devil over her saviour. I’m good with that. If there has to be a bad guy in the story let it be me.  Doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t still there. Even the devil has loved ones.  It’s not there yet, but it’s close. But im still not letting my guard down as history has proven that it just takes one mood swing and everything changes.  There was a moment once I cared about doing the right thing and being a good person. But now if you’d asked me if I would choose to be the angel or the demon in the equation, I’d choose demon without hesitation. Demons are honest. They wont hide behind lies of a pretty face.   The biggest issue other than Trusting you is the fact I have to decide 25 years on if i want you in my life after all the damage has been done.  I wake up every day wanting you to be my wife, and I go to s...

Sometimes I am reminded that all we truly are is a simple set of goodbyes. I’m trying to be more but right now we are just in that place we always get to. The In between something and nothing. While I’m good either way, the heart wants more and will always long for it. That’s why I try. That’s why I’m trying now.  I don’t know where we stand. And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. For some reason you want to be in my life tho. I just cant stand you just being an accessory to it.  I can’t pretend to be something we are not. And you need to figure out what’s best for you, me in your life or not. It’s been a lifetime of bad decisions for both of us. I’m not sure I want to continue in that same path. It’s just all bad road. The key is getting away from it all I agree.  The only problem is that we are at a crossroads and i don’t think either of know the next step.  The only reality is that I want us both to be happy, and I think we are better off happier ...

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over.  All of our moments are over.  I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts.  I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

I don’t care. I don’t have time to care anymore. I have my reasons for doing shit and while they will continue I know exactly where you and I stand. I’m good with that. Id rather have an honest enemy than someone who faked affection for me when she needs something. I’m happy with my life and I’m under not pretensions that things will ever change anymore. There are better uses of my energy in this life than being angry.  I don’t need or want you in my life. It has been twenty years since you mattered. All you want is control and to have that so I don’t slip away.  That’s not how it works. I am free of all your bullshit and the longer it is the easier it is to walk away from everything I once was with you. We were a cup of coffee in a generation that didn’t make an sense. Why the hell do we still even continue to exist to each other. He’s grown. It’s time for me to walk away. These emotions hurt and as much as I bury them all it takes is one phone call or one text from you and t...

I don’t care if you answer or respond anymore. I can look myself in the mirror and my son in the eye and know that I tried. For twenty damn years I tried whatever you expected of me, I was here. The fact you don’t answer confirms everything now I need to know. And I can move on. I gave you everything I had in this life. And more. What the actual fuck have you ever wanted from me? At this point, I’m just doing what I’ve always done. Moving on. There is no more hope. There is no more days left. One maybe. Lets see how I feel in September. But I am done trying otherwise. I really hoped something would change in two decades but we have defined who we are for a generation. And there will be answers provided when the time comes. Till then, I’m back to waiting unless you change the game.