Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

A lot of people are going to be left behind. My life isn't an easy one and people that aren't fucking contributing to my life can be left behind. I'm not in a great place mentally and it feels like it's going to be extended trip of the same old thing. If you don't know me at all, if I'm stuck in a fucking moment  I don't want to be in I will find a way to change the situation. I've already lost one good freind to the fact that I am stuck in my current situation and I am not appreciated for it. What's a few more. I honestly wish that the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a freight train. I know it's the least worst option for both of us but at the end of the day it's just trading one misery for another. I need to figure out the next step for me, not for anyone else. This year has sucked balls and I'm just going around and around in fucking circles. When I am underappractied by people or worse feeling downright fuckin...

There is one undefined moment left. But it will have to wait until I know where I stand with you. I can't keep going on and on and wondering where I stand. If there is nothing I fucking chose nothing. I can and will live in the land of fantasy with my own things. And I'm having fun and not in need of anyone. But there is something missing and you fucking know that. It's why you keep extending the olive branch but only so far. I go silent because it's easier for me for the wealth of emotion I have for you to deal with than to deal with empty promises. I will chose the nothing. I have before. I will agian. I chose it over drama every damn time. When every phone call ends through same way... in confusion. It's not even anger or a war anymore. But I am reminded that I wasn't there in the moment you and him needed me the most. I tried. I should have tried harder and forced my  way in. That's part of why you've never truly forgiven me for everything. You nee...

  I may love you, that may even be a constant that will never change. But i dont have a problem walking away for my own self respect, mental health and peace. I don't think our story will ever really end. But i refuse to play delusional fairy tale games as well. I like that our moment isn't completely done but we are no longer tied to promises. I know you don't like being in control and you ain't ready that is understood. But i need more than a one day maybe. There is love, there will always be love. That doesn't change. Our story hasn't ended it's just a diffrent set of rules. You surprised me. I was expecting the end game.  I am happy that you are in my life and that its open ended. We will see what tommorow brings. We need to discuss the next option. But maybe its better that we take time and nor jump into anything. You have been back in my life for six fucking years coming and going. Nothing ever gets resolved. We were only together for just under fo...

There is always the next option. But the game has changed... there is a new element... just because there is hope doesn't mean it will fucking remain. I'm gonna continue to do my own thing and you can somehow find me if needed. I'm not going to chase anymore. Not that I ever did. But today is my day. I'm going to enjoy it. I don't know the next step on anything. But I am reflecting that nothing has changed since my 43rd birthday 6 years ago and maybe at this point something needs to. I just keep staying in the same old pattern miserably. I need to figure some stuff for fifty. This isn't going to be my world forever. As usual I'm just holding on waiting for the next moment. There has to be more than this. There is always time to be miserable later. Today I'm going to just enjoy myself and not look back. But I have to make things change. 

I Am Not Someone Who Is Loved. I'm An Idea. A State Of Mind. I'm not there. I will never be there. That moment is gone. It doesn't matter how much I love you. It's Time to move on and stop pretending that there is any chsnce of reconcilation. That's never been a reality just your fantasy. I'm not even angry or hateful any more. All i expected was better than this. We needed an endgame, this is it. Poof. I'm Gone. The life sentence is done. I have given you enough of my life. No more. I will always me there. You are my son's mother.. thats nsver going to change.. but you being my wife? That has to be done. It doesn't matter how much one of us loves the other. One of us is toxic and doesn't live in any kind of reality. Happy Anniversary Babe. I will always love you. I will always be there. I will always pick up the damn phone even when i don't want to. Esp on our days where i will always refuse to fight you. But I am Done with making the eff...

Youve already made me a demon. I might as well accept my role as the fucking monster in the story too. I've embraced being the devil and the demon for far too long. I am the monster that used to lie in your bed. But i haven't forgotten the monster you turned me into. I look him dead in the eye every morning in the mirror. I know what you created and what you destroyed. I wander dark halls of my own volition, but the darkness you lead down is worse than any hell i can imagine. I wouldn't want to be in your head and i hardly want to be in my own. I'm sick of being angry and i'm trying to find peace, but any moment you are in my life its just turmoil. I don't think i am going to be there. It hurts too much. All i have been for a minute is depressed. That's always been your affect on me. To pull me into a black hole even deeper than my usual darkness. I have to make a decison soon. You were my enemy once. You are just a memory now.  But when i slam the door ...