I Am Not Someone Who Is Loved. I'm An Idea. A State Of Mind.
I'm not there. I will never be there. That moment is gone. It doesn't matter how much I love you. It's Time to move on and stop pretending that there is any chsnce of reconcilation. That's never been a reality just your fantasy. I'm not even angry or hateful any more. All i expected was better than this. We needed an endgame, this is it. Poof. I'm Gone.
The life sentence is done. I have given you enough of my life. No more. I will always me there. You are my son's mother.. thats nsver going to change.. but you being my wife? That has to be done. It doesn't matter how much one of us loves the other. One of us is toxic and doesn't live in any kind of reality.
Happy Anniversary Babe. I will always love you. I will always be there. I will always pick up the damn phone even when i don't want to. Esp on our days where i will always refuse to fight you.
But I am Done with making the effort. My life doesn't reach to you.... from now on you can make the effort to be in my life. I am gone, i am dust.
The ring will always be here. Waiting for you, its yours. It was always owed. But the offer is off the table. There will be no more bended knee. That's no longer an option.
We have to move on. You and I both know that we haven't. Not really, Not for twenty years. Thats a life time our childs lifetime. We have always been in each others life in some form or another except when i went absolutely radio silent for a year to protect you.
But it needs to end. Neither of us can live on hope and dreams and giving each other minor moments that always fall apart into argument and fighting and sadness.
No one will ever love you as much as i do. And i know you will never love anyone as much as you do me, but that's the problem you love the ideal of me, a faded memory thats all that is.
And thats it when it comes to me too.. you are the girl on a pedestal... I've always given you more credit that youve deserved, but you broke that pedestal a long time ago.. my sledgehammer had nothing go to do with it. I just tried to up to the person you thought i could be.
Guess I failed.
It's over now anyways. Its your decision anything forward from this point on. I am done making the effort that you never really wanted me to anyways.
It's time for you to chase me, you know my behaviors anyways. You know I will not chase you and that i will fall back into apathy and wait for you to call...
But there is another moment left... maybe two.. but youll have to put in some effort too. It can't always be me putting in the effort. It won't be.
Just becuse oday is one of those days i choose to give you peace.. it doesnt mean that i have forgotten, only that i have forgiven. But this time i am adjisting my behavior correctly. I am not sure if this is an ending or just the next step. All I know is that the rules have changed and I am no longer bound by any promises. Nor will there be any guilt anymore that i didn't try hard enough. Because you know what? I did. I still am. But those moments are all thats left.
When everything else is gone, Hope remains... but it will be on my terms now. And only on my terms.
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