There is one undefined moment left. But it will have to wait until I know where I stand with you. I can't keep going on and on and wondering where I stand. If there is nothing I fucking chose nothing. I can and will live in the land of fantasy with my own things. And I'm having fun and not in need of anyone. But there is something missing and you fucking know that. It's why you keep extending the olive branch but only so far. I go silent because it's easier for me for the wealth of emotion I have for you to deal with than to deal with empty promises. I will chose the nothing. I have before. I will agian. I chose it over drama every damn time.
When every phone call ends through same way... in confusion. It's not even anger or a war anymore. But I am reminded that I wasn't there in the moment you and him needed me the most. I tried. I should have tried harder and forced my way in. That's part of why you've never truly forgiven me for everything. You needed me to be there.
But now I'd affect you life negatively, as long as you live and hide behind certain illusions things will never fucking change. You need to figure out your next step before I can have any meaningful involvement in your life. You need to heal, as much as I play a part in that and my arms around you could possibly help on that. That's on you, you need to heal on your own terms. I'm fine being a supporting cast member until that happens.
I don't always like being your emotional support animal but apparently for the moment that's the role that's been chosen. It's preferable to being at war with you and hating you but it's not the desired outcome. But that's on you. If you want more you have to come over to Me. I don't live in your world and I barely exist in mine.
One day maybe... but I'm not seeing any light at the end of this tunnel anymore. That was proven. It's just freight train coming my way and an albatross around my neck. One that you will never allow me to escape from but you expect to lure me home by offering a tiny little trail of bread crumbs and then slamming the door when I get anywhere close.
Being close agian means emotions and a change in both our lifestyles. I'm not sure that's something either of us are fully willing to commit to.
I know there are external factors. Both to you healing and barricades to us being together. I've know that for a while. It's why I haven't come on strong with whatever the hell we are. But maybe that needs to be reevaluated and changed. I'm sick of you hurting. I don't like that. Not at all. It affects both of you. I walked away years ago. I'm free and clear. But doubt and concern remain. Maybe you need to start over. Away from them. Away from me. Away from everything.
I don't want you to. But I've walked away to protect you before. Maybe this time it's your turn. Be away from everyone and the old days. Including me.
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