I survive. And I protect my pack. Thats all I am, that all ive ever been fucking good at. Basic survival. There has to be more to life than this. I dont always need people in my life. More and more i am distancing from those that are less than valid in my life. I have no problem doing it for those I think my words fall on deaf ears. Ive done it before with people i have respected a lot more than some of the people that aren't listening.
I have no problem being a lone wolf. But I am an wolf and I have teeth.
At the end of the day I care about me and mine and it may seem selfish but I've had great freinds that have faded away to the sands of time and I really dont give a damn. If im not emotionally invested in your well being and even when I am, if you give me a fucking reason to grow cold I will. I have zero respect or patience for someone who is think doesn't respect me and i won't get angry, I won't even care ill just passively aggressively ignore you and ghost you until you fade away. Ive done it to better people in my life. I dont need anyone that drags me down in this life. I have enough skeletons ratting around in this old head.
Those skeletons have a habit of coming back and my responsibilities take priority esp the one I take most serious of all. I may be a wolf, but the wolf takes care of his pack. And more importantly his cub, and while i feel I failed in that. The instincts to do so still remain and I will never stop trying to be part of his life.
I am confused and I am angry and I don't know the next step but farming my past to blame me for something I didnt do is a real easy fucking way for me to just go radio silent agian. I hurt too. I always have. I tried to be a good father only to have you block me at every turn and then the authorities destroy my life, not once but twice. You want a third Crack at it? Cool, but don't expect me to play a part. You've done enough damage. I'm going to withdraw and walk away. It doesnr matter how much I want this. Your mental health, his mental health, his safety, my mental health all in that order are more precious to me than fixing things that you did.
There is no use looking back at something you did. You'll never have an answer or account for your behaviors, youll just fucking blame someone else.
So the wolf will stay alone. Thats fine im good at being the lone wolf. Its safer for everyone.
I may be a good person, maybe even sometimes positive and good for others. But nice is not part of the equation. It never has been.
Im not even angry. I'm just depressed. At this point in my life i should not be considering walking into the water at the mists of niagara falls. But thats the way I was made to feel last night. Theres no answers there just a finality.
The fact I cannot walk into my own home with a cruiser out front without having a fucking panic attack bothers my mind. I was a good person, I did all the right things. Why did you reduce me to nothing? Ill survive, its not for nothing that I have always raised from the ashes.
When I'm fucking nostalgic for some of the worst times in my life because they were simply fucking simpler and less drama and less of a hustle just to fucking survive its a sad and pathetic commentary on who I was and who I am now. It should be better now. Everything in my life on paper looks better. Why do I constantly feel like its always fucking falling apart and I will lose everything on a moments notice?
I've already lost everything. Now I'm simply existing. There should be nothing to fucking fear anyhow.
Not that I have ever known fear. I just barrel headlong into every situation without fear. Just anger.
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