Nothing ever changes. Sadly my world has a reality that I will watch someone I care about enable someone forever because thats how she has been raised to be accountable to be her brothers keeper. I have to stay in orbit because my son is her child and I know how easily it is to fall into the fucking pit of addictions. Therevis dust on bottle here because outside of social drinking I choose not to fucking drink at home. I have the ability and the means to be in a constant state of intoxication but I also know what that has cost us all so I choose not to. Others choose something else. Somehow I'm the one with a happy and stable life.
I'm a statistic, this isn't how its supposed to fucking end for me. I shouldn't have a family as fractured as it is, and I'm probaly years past my expiration date. But I endure. And I do it because its about more than me. But I could very easily look into the bottom of that bottle and live there. Nothing in my fucking life presently would change. I could live on whiskey and anger and my life would not change significantly. I've done it before. I could do it agian.
But responsibilities are easier when one is sober, and i know that i am a man to fear regardless of my blood alcohol levels. I would much prefer to be mostly in control of my mind and actions than to be constantly in a state of despair. I like enjoying myself in the pit at a concert or sitting at a hockey game stone cold sober and enjoying myself. I like my world, I like my place in it. I cannot say the same for you and the people in your life you enable.
You may have cast me out into exile, your the one that pushed me away, but sometimes I wonder if that one singular action may have saved my life, because I grew up, I sobered up and you gave my life focus. 26 years of being the one to carry you home might have fucking broke me, or worse.
I cannot imagine my world had we been together that night. And more than that while not showing up is an eternal regret when I found out I also know that the way would have dealt with the aftermath very likely may have damaged us more than the day I decided that you were to be offered forgiveness and a civil tongue despite your actions. I'll never fucking back down to you, but I would be lying if I didn't say I understand. I do, more than you know. I'm just never going to be the person to put you thru that. Or my son. If I break one cycle it will be one of alcoholism.
The one thing you will never ever have to fucking do is take care of me. Thats my job and responsibility if you'll ever let me have it for the both of you. But I 100% take pride in the fact that I have not and will not ever come hat in hand asking you for help. No matter how dark its got I've never needed you that much, and Nor will I ever.
If and when I come home it will be on our terms and mutually agreed upon. Or it will be because you need me. It will never be because I am a burden on you, you have enough of those. Thats a choice you have made.
I may need you emotionally, and that is a si guarantee thing thing that applies only to the two of you for the most part. I have and i will not need to depend on anyone for the rest of my life. I never needed anyone the past 35 years since I aged out of the system, thats not about to fucking change because I choose to be feircly independent and accountable to myself, those I love, and those I choose to have responsibilities for.
Do not forget I chose to walk away and take the high ground. It was the better option for you and him. However it is the singular fucking reason that you and I are in each other lives now. Because I was ready, I owe you nothing. You owe me even less. But theres something collecting dust in a closet that was always going to be bought because I needed to do it and the moment I should have I was distracted.
Its done now. It exists. Thats all that symbol needs. Otherwise its just a shiny piece of glass that brings you some semblance of peace by its existence.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do understand what I do not want in my life and what I do not want my son's world growing up to be. You have allowed that. I never fucking will. Thats on you, like a lot of fucking things in our life it always cones down to your choices and decisions.
The one I make is always the same, and the easiest one.
I choose to walk away.
No one ever chooses me, despite always being here and being the constant in your life. For the moment I choose my mental health and sanity. Im having fun and im here. But my life doesnt reach to yours... you gotta come over to Me. Same old story, way its always been. Ill be here. Waiting.
But on my terms. Only on my terms. Otherwise we might as well just burn down the house that Jack built. It'll just end in tragedy, flames and ruin. There are elements in your life I wont tolerate and you 100% know that i won't. And thats part of why we aren't together because you continue to choose them.
So despite wanting to be there, I have responsibilities here I wont abandon here and I have a good life, I dont need or want to be dragged into yours unless you are completely ready for it to change.
Till then ill choose me. Not the House that Jack built.
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