Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Courage is about learning how to function despite the fear, to put aside your instincts to run or give in completely to the anger born from fear. Courage is about using your brain and your heart when every cell of your body is screaming at your to fight or flee - and then following through on what you believe is the right thing to do. I am having a hard time, it's not the walking away so much from the whole nonsense last year of the toy bullshit, but more the fact that nothing in my life has replaced it, I quit and was supposed to find a job and find some normalcy but instead I'm just waiting, as I watch all these cool things dwindle away, I don't know where the next step of my life is going, but I did have something for a few years that I built up and now it's gone, I haven't really missed it until recently and now I haven't decided if I made a mistake quitting before the battle was won and/or everything was gone... These things don't matter to me, there ...

You know what you get for being a hero? Nothin'. You get shot at. You get a little pat on the back, blah, blah, blah, attaboy. You get divorced. Your wife can't remember your last name. Your kids don't want to talk to you. You get to eat a lot of meals by yourself. Trust me, kid, nobody wants to be that guy. I am fucking sick of being taken advantage of and having my needs, not my wants taken care of, when shipping money is fucking spent on other items, that's not my responsibility to replace it, I still have to get this shit out to it's owners but it is fucking time that I call it a fucking day and take whatever I have left home and give up, one I want to be able to show for something for my boy, two the last year or so I have dwindled a once magnificent collection of junk down to it's bare fucking bones.... It's time for what's left to either mean something or for me to complete abandon it, it's not always about money or the wars I fight, but som...

What I do, I do alone. That's the Sicilian way. That's omerta. Omerta isn't a mafia oath of silence, like so many people believe. It has nothing to do with cosa nostra. It's something else, related by different....You want justice served? You want vengeance taken? You want honor restored? Then you do it yourself. That's omerta. When blood cries for blood, you answer the call. And you answer it alone. I may have just opened a major can of worms in this battle and I may have consequences in my life to deal with, but at this point, I opened up every connection to both me, my life, my childhood and my education to try and stack the deck, if I lose it's better to say I tried with allies on my side and standing behind me, even if it's been years since we've spoken and more than that some of us aren't exactly on speaking terms, but that's not important, what is, is my fucking child... If I have to fight this war forever, I can and will use every advan...

There are things you can't walk away from. Not if you want to live with yourself afterward. Pain is a byproduct of life. That’s the truth. Life sometimes sucks. That’s true for everyone. But if you don’t face the pain and the suck, you don’t ever get the other things either. Laughter. Joy. Love. Pain passes, but those things are worth fighting for. Worth dying for. Ten years ago today I made a choice to put someone else's life ahead of my goals and dreams. It's ridiculous that I am still fighting the same battle that I was then, just to be a part of his life... I left everything behind to do it and while there are tenuous ties to who I used to be, the only thing I truly define myself with anymore is being his father, being his dad, and if I have to continue to fight this war I will. It's just fucking ridiculous that I have to, she knows exactly what I sacrificed to be there, more than once.. But it didn't matter, because nothing matters, that's who she is, a...

I will hurt you for this. I don't know how yet, but give me time. A day will come when you think yourself safe and happy, and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you'll know the debt is paid. The next step is about to be upon us, I'm not going to fight battles I don't have to... but it's fucking frustrating to still be dealing with this crap the entirety of my fucking life, given what I do for a living it's a fuckin death sentence. there are thing's i have been waiting to do and i've just needed the right time to do so.. that's where we are at now.. it's time for war, it's time for some of these fucking pieces of trash to feel the flames...god knows that i have felt the fires long enough... i know exactly who my fuckin enemies are in this endevour and who is not.. and for those that are, it's time for them and their glass houses to come asunder, it's time for their lives to be just as fucking shattered repeatably...

The reality is that there is no more finances to fight this battle and any options I have left in the Absense of a good job in my feild is that I don't have it. I'll fight as much as can and hard as I can, but given my means the last half decade, I've pulled miracles out of my ass. I don't have anymore blood to pull from this stone, there's nothing left... It lasted as long as it could but she has made the war last longer, as usual the only way things end, is when I have nothing left and I've sacrificed everything agian. Over and over agian. The story of our lives. Your choices, my responsibility. I have lost faith in those around me and I have no illusions that this battle will ever fucking end. As long as I am going to be financially responsible for everything it's just another weapon in her reign of fucking terror and possibly just another way to stall this thing from ending. I don't know what the next step is, and currently I'm confused as to the...

I never cared about justice, and I don't recall ever calling myself a hero. I've always only fought for the people I believe in. I won't hesitate... If an enemy appears in front of me, I will destroy it! Laws control the lesser man. Right conduct controls the greater one. It's fucking pathetic that every relationship I have been in for the past 16 years has been dominated and/or destroyed as soon as the children's aid gets involved, these fuckers raised me, and they have sure as shit left me damaged, but it is something sinister to constantly attempt to destroy a man when all he is trying to do is stop history from repeating, but that's not good enough for them... Clearly I'm damaged goods and it does not fuckin matter, all that matters is a past history before I was age of majority, all of my accomplishments past that, my education, years of experience, the very core of the person I am, none of that fucking matters, because to them, all I am is a walkin...