I am fucking sick of being taken advantage of and having my needs, not my wants taken care of, when shipping money is fucking spent on other items, that's not my responsibility to replace it, I still have to get this shit out to it's owners but it is fucking time that I call it a fucking day and take whatever I have left home and give up, one I want to be able to show for something for my boy, two the last year or so I have dwindled a once magnificent collection of junk down to it's bare fucking bones.... It's time for what's left to either mean something or for me to complete abandon it, it's not always about money or the wars I fight, but sometimes I do feel like I was better off alone, then the only person I was responsible was is to me, and to that little boy, I'm not sure where my life is going and I do have things that need to be fucking done, it's not just an option, in less than a month, I go to fuckin war, I need to know exactly whose standing behind me, and if I'm questioning that, then what the fuck is truly the point, I might as well fold and give up... I'm sick of being taken advantage of and placed in a corner, and this isn't the fucking first time... It will be the last... I don't know what the future holds but I do envision that I will likely be even more broken than I am right now, the question is, when the dust settles who will be standing by me, who will I want standing by me, that's a decision I'm fuckin questioning now. It's time for me to be about me... And if people fall away from because of it, so fuckin what, it would not be the first time, it for sure will not be the last. I have priorities than include myself, I can't support others and be begging on the streets when I am home, these were my belongings and they are not cheap, they need to go to their new owners... It's frustrating when someone only respects the money coming in and not the responsibility of getting shit done and out, no wonder I want out of it more than I have ever wanted in the fuckin past, before it was about me and the only people twisting the knife were the douchebag I worked for and the asshat Thief i let hang around me... Anything else I directed traffic upon the world, my finances were my own and things got done, I feel under appreciated, and there is no sense of responsibility here. If I am on a downward spiral if my own I am starting to seriously wonder how much longer I need to be here to protect my mental health, and I already know I'm fuckin crazy... I just can't keep locking myself in a box and hoping the problems will go away, that's not how I operate, that's not how I function, but I think sooner or later, I'll be functioning alone. If that makes me the bad guy, if that makes me the villain so fucking be it, but something has to change, my life has been dominated by these goddamn toys since the fall of 2012 and I have one or two of the original items in his collection left, the war a year before, the day has come to leave both of these things on a fuckin shelf and move on, one I know I will walk away from, the other is a little easier but I would like something to show for it rather than have it all ground to dust in my hands.... If it's all going to turn to shit, it should be on my terms no one else's. When I'm staring into the darkness and all I see is a better place within the void, that's a scary predicament, I can't afford to survive on my own and I can't afford to support others, this thing is done... My life will change for better or worse come the end of this next month, I need to be able to do it with a clear mind, free of fucking anger and doubt, and right now that's all I am feeling, almost forty goddamn years old and I feel like I've hit a brick wall in terms of accomplishments, it's been a decade since university, it's been longer since I had any kind of normal interaction with my freinds, and yes, I mean the ones that truly matter, I have a tiny social circle in the 905/416 but my life, the person I am, the person I was, the one who has people that will always have his back and the person who came of age, he died in Windsor, only a tiny part of him remains, the most important part, the part that made the choice to walk away from him hopes and dreams and his friends and social circle to be a dad, or at least attempt to be one in the hell of the lady decade. I stand by my decisions then and now, but one thing I've never been afraid of, and I never will be, is knowing exactly when to walk away because there's something more important on the table.... It's funny how that works isn't it? But history repeats... And here we are agian.... This is what it comes down to, another impossible choice. The writing was already on the wall I just chose to ignore it. I cannot be sure where this is going anymore and if it is going anywhere at all, I feel fucking torn between responsibilities at both ends, and when things return to an already uncomfortable status quo I'm not sure where to move next... This is part of my life, I've chosen this, but I am unsure of the next move... A lot depends on the end of the next month, a lot depends on who I am then, I wish to all hell I knew who I was now. I've been stripped down to nothingness, simply a warrior king without a throne or a heir, my choices are my own even if I end up regretting them, the not knowing, the mental anguish of being in limbo, those are the things that bother me currently. The other issues, the frustrations come and go. But it still has to stand for something, Their has to be a few pieces left, it can't just be a memory, there has to be something to show for it, something I can show him, that is one of the little things that mattered, throughout this entire process.... It has to end..... It should be enough of an Indication that this summer I will not be returning for the first time in years for the big transformers weekend, even tho I want to, I just cannot justify it with what's left, I've made my bones and more, I need to walk away and make that a permanent thing and just have a monument to whatever it was, it didn't make me happy, it's still making me miserable alongside some of my own choices along the way, but a few things left, maybe I should care enough to give them a place of honour, that's important to me, it's not about the last dollar... It never has been, but I do question if I had an opportunity like this 15 years ago, would it have made a difference or would you have been the same selfish bitch, don't answer that, we both already know the answer. I'd rather be miserable now with my choices than the miserable I ever was then, and that's the truth. Something's in my life need to be up upon a shelf and forgotten, others are sometimes worth fighting for, I just need to decide which ones are which at this present moment.... Because regardless of how I fucking feel, I am frustrated, and there is a bigger agenda at play. I do think sooner or later that things are going to change, and I've never been the type to settle down and have a family, this isn't exactly what I predicted for myself at forty, fuck, I'm still alive, that alone is an accomplishment, but there is the question of am I holding on to what tangible right now because I don't want my predictions coming true? Or is it because I know I could become another broken man at the end of this month because that part of the story will be over, and this is what I have left? I will rise from the ashes like I always have before, there is simply the choice of how I do it, alone or with ones I care about around me, both here and elsewhere, those are some hard choices when you are staring down the abyss. When you know and hope that things will end, but you don't know how or why? Things are far too similar to the way they once were. it's done, this is me walking away from this thing as soon as i can, i will likely put most of this stuff away, Whatever's left at the end of the month and forget about it... i think it's more the fact that i have chased this particular demon for 3+ years and i have very little to show for it.. there is a reason for that.. other things took priority, other things still are taking priority.. there are bigger demons to fight than dealing with something that is firmly in my back window. this is where things end.. it can't frustrate me anymore... another week or so, it'll be a lot less important.... i decided to walk away last year from it.. everything since has simply been the dying embers.. what i have been using to justify all of it... will soon be gone... the next month or so is going to define the rest of my fucking life.. I do not want it defined by these goddamn peices of plastic.. this was a distraction nothing more... it does not get to dominate anymore.. bigger things do. I can't have this demon eating away at me forever... there are better things to accomplish in this life. i have a lot to be thankful in my life and i should not be letting the little things get to me, but i know i am compartmentalizing them because the bigger issue fucking scares me, and i am fucking afraid to lose what i have... My worlds are about to collide, for better or fucking worse. this summer something is about to end and I don't have any fucking clue where i am going and who i am going to be when the flames of war are all our so i focus elsewhere, when I should only be focused on one thing, that is the only thing.. that battle has to be where my mindspace is right now.. there and only there.. i can't contine to hide from it or it will destroy me, im better than that, if i have real world problems, i face them head on.. i end them, i can't be her, i can't continue to live in a fantasy world when that world crumbled a year ago when i quit, it's not important.. However He is.
Current Mood: Frustrated?
Current Music: Bullet For My Valentine - All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me)
You have to be pretty goddamn tough to be an optimist, and you have to be an asshole to stay completely apathetic. Find the middle ground. It's the best you can do.
I'm dealing with a lot of scary things. I think you have to react to them. And you either laugh at them or you go insane
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