Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It is awesome to have delayed my christmas by a few days and actually having the time to see my family and freinds and little mans cousins and people i care about and spend time with them instead of trying to cram santa into a coupe of days off from work, working the long shift and then taking almost a whole week off works so much better, I am happier than i have been in years and it seems everything is finally working out and i am finding some balance in my life, it's very clear what i need to take a step back away from and or remove myself from but you know what my next shift is the new year and i can give it fresh eyes and a new start... today's not about that, it's about being around my son and him being around the people we both care about.. he's such a good little role model around his little four year old cousin.... she's wilder than he is. Current Mood: Cloud 9. The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in

Really thinking about a full time move back to niagara if i can find a job, i bcan find a better head space here and there are many things about this area that make me feel at home which aren't tied to one specific person or anything, Niagara and windsor feel more like home to me than hamilton does, which is sad because i grew up there but all i do in hamilton is watch the days pass by and attend work like a robot, i don't see any type of future in the city and despite my misgivings in Niagara it does feel like home, maybe next year i can find something that will work even part time down here. Current Mood: Happy. Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.

So another interesting lazy weekend of doing nothing but hanging out at home, it's interesting to see him occupy himself with just whats availible at home and he would rather stay at home with daddy than go out to the movies or do anything, just hanging out and watching cartoons is his bag, that's fine, i can do that every day of the year. So looking forward to this holiday and i think this is the first time in years i can say that.... Current Mood: Happy. Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.

Sometimes it's so good to have my little man near for a day or two and make all the darkness and agitation in my life go away just by his smile, just a little bit of time with him and my world completely changes and i can see why I do the things i need to just to be able to take care of him, this is going to be a good Christmas and he's very excited and happy, too bad he was sick this week but he's such a great kid, i love him so much, he makes all my troubles melt away. Current Mood: Happy. A child's spirit is like a child, you can never catch it by running after it; you must stand still, and, for love, it will soon itself come back.

While it's nice to have finally had a conversation and been listened to by my direct supervisor, it should not have taken an entire week to get thru to him, and the root causes of the nonsense and the bullshit are still the same, if i feel that i am not supported by him and by other staff and that the inmates are still running the asylum then it's time to make myself heard, there is only so much verbal abuse one can take and when one is hearing office politics out the mouths of a client that's fucking bullshit, that means someone is not choosing their words carefully and allowing themselves to be overheard, but that's par for the course, any negotiating with this brats leads to failure because they are going to manipulate to get what they want always, of course I'm still referring to it as a fucking daycare, i mean maybe i should bring diaper's and nappy's to work and coddle these kids even more and let them walk all over me, because at the end of the day if

Today is not a good day for you're fucking horseshit, oh woe is me i'm still sick and i'm keeping our son home because 'm sick, but you can't have your court ordered visit until saturday because i can't get my fucking fat head out of my ass long enough to take care of myself, oh and when an alternative is given you need to fucking react like a goddamn bomb is going off... it's so much more important to make sure that my son goes to the christmas assemblys on the last day at school instead of spending some time with daddy, stop being such a fucking self centered cunt and get off your fucking high horse, this is not the shit i want to deal with today, there's enough going on for you to start pulling your fucking horseshit, of course that's just it, you thrive on my being miserable, there's no illusion there. you'd rather i'd be unhappy and dependant on you than ever make it on my own, because then i'll come crawling back, here's the

This morning was the last final fucking straw, I cannot fucking deal with the verbal abuse from the clients when it's fucking obvious that I am not being supported by management, you can see from behaviors when something is about to escelate and there is no fucking attempt at deesclitation afterwards, i'm just a fucking overnight placeholder, I might as well be working in a fucking daycare, nothing i say or do matters, there's no point, we are simply warehousing these fucking kids until they end up in thorold or barton, I can't care because No one else does, esp. my boss... When i try and deal with it with management i get the typical reponse that's it's not so bad? It is fucking bad, you leave staff wide open for verbal abuse and accusations, but of course it's all good because we have to coddle these kids and make sure they are happy and toilet trained and keep the money flowing in right? I'm not seeing any of that cheedar so i'm gonna have a fucki

I have picked a date and i think i'm going to quit on that day, i tried speaking to management about the issues this morning and my response was it's not that bad, No, it's not, if the Inmates are running the fucking Asylum and have carte blanche, but when i am going home stressed, depressed and suicidal and i know other staff are as well, it's fucking bogus... you want to coddle kids, open a fucking daycare... I am sick of it and certian other staff aren't helping either by maing the full time staff's job harder, little things like letting the kids use blue boxes for snow forts on garbage day, do you know what it's like to have to clean up a wet snowy garbage bin outside at 5am because the clients dumped it due to lack of supervision and/or the staff member who was in just not giving a shit? it's little things and it's the fact that no one cares about anything in management, i know I was heard this morning when i was making money about the food budg

My sister raises an excellent point, why is a child at the other house being charged for minor assulats when we have out of control kids being predatory and very voilent at this home? I am not exactly happy nor ready to deal with this long term and not only am i considering quitting i am thinking being transferred back to the other house should be an option for me, it's pretty fucking said that i refer to my job as working in an insane asylum, i guess i should be used to it by now, i did grow up in the system, over medicated and pyscho babble were used to control me too, at least i had structure and programming, i know that i awoled and did dumb shit, but you know what, i can remeber those who were a positive influnce on my life, and who wasn't I think maybe at the old house their are a few clients who will grow up and remeber me as a positive influnence but at this house? there's no one, management has made it this way, it's very difficult to establish a relationship w

I think it's fucking time for me to set a date and move on even if it means quitting for justifibale reasons and collecting ei after i get thru the xmas season. I do not agree that when a child is breaking into someone else's house and being pyshcially voilent we should be keeping it internal esp. after said child has been caught crafting shanks with razors, I don't think that this creates a safe work enviorment nor is it a safe home for the other children, threats of retalitation from management for speaking out towards police and other authorities isn't just wrong and illegal it's criminal, and I won't stand for it.. when children are beng left behind and don't have proper winter clothing, and are being nickel and dimed for food as well, where are all the real brands of food not this no name shit? I don't feed my son No name and I have a lot smaller food budget than the fucking home. the cracks aren't cracks in the system here they are gigantic and

It was nice to go out last night with my one and only child and have dinner with him and hang around the mall, he was very polite and respectful and excited about his birthday party tonight, He was really excited when he got 3 1988 reisuue ninja turles figures in a wrapped up gift, sometimes it's not about the money you spend but the thought that goes into a gift. Current Mood: Happy. Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

Gonna hang out with my kid tonight and have a happy birthday dinner with him and just have a good time, he might get some Ninja turtles and some transformers if they are till on sale in st. catherines, i'm so happy that things are finally at a place where i can come and see him any time i want and that the arguments are all but over and we work as a team, it's nice to actually be able to see him around his birthday without it having to be my weekend, it took a long time but it's finally here, and their will be presents from me tommorow at the birthday party. Current Mood: Happy. Your children need your presence more than your presents.

Seven already, where has all the time gone? it seems like only yesterday you were 2 and just hanging out now i can't even call you my baby boy because you get mad at me, you've grown up so much, do daddy a favor and don't grow up too fast k? I'll see you tommorow. Current Mood: Very Happy. A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.

Nothing like an awesome little weekend with my little man in which he saw his aunts and got batman toys and hung out with daddy doing stuff, we never did get to go see tangled but it's all good, instead we ended up having a late sunday and not going home till 7 pm and we had time to go to eastgate and get one of his requested birthday presents a super hero squad iron man, so he went home happy and I'm thinking we will go see tangled friday night unless something better comes out that weekend... he wanted to stay another night and it broke my heart to tell him sorry buddy, daddy has to go to work tonight or i would have let him stay longer. Current Mood: Happy. A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.

I do not need your fucking nonsense about how poor you are and how much you can't afford to do xmas and his birthday because you only make 100 thousand fucking dollars a year, i have to live in a city i fucking hate, with a job that is probaly going to knock several fucking years off my life and leave me with PTSB, experince flashbacks everyday and only get minimum wage, I can barely pay my fucking rent but i've got to deal with your sob stories about shit.... i really think you need to examine you're fucking head and stop being so greedy, there is a reason why i have now planned to get him most of his big ticket toys at my house, i'm sick of you, your personailty and your selfishness, there's a reason we could never work, you are too much about yourself and too be damned with anyone else, it's all about you, anyone else around you even your son is just a goddamn possesion, and the diffrence between you and me is that i'm not like that, and I never will be,

Somwhow even on a peaceful night at work I feel i'm going backwards slowly in reverse, there is nothing left to accomplish here and when you see the future in your eyes and all you see is another year of a souless exsitense at this job, I've long given up hope of making a diffrence at the house, and the fact that the boss who has less tenure than me with the organizationd efers to me on a lot of things because i am better at manageing shit than he is confusing and very telling, I don't mind helping but how about a promotion and a raise and not just lip service? of course that won't happen because i'm just placeholding for the moment. they won't actually admit they fucking need me, and when money is the ultimate god i worry about the kids safety amongst other things.... it's winter... why these kids are getting some BS about a budget for clothing when it's clear they need winter clothing and boots and theirs a fucking value village 5 blocks away is beyond