Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Once agian its sunday and I dont want him to go home, hes been such a great kid this weekend and always the loving great kid weve raised him to be, even when daddy isnt feeling well he just hangs out and does what any kid should do and have a good time, hes pretty happy with his life and very well rounded, hopefully he doesnt ever change. I dont want him to go home. Current Mood: Happy. Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.

I am really enjoying the fact that this year it seems that even tho ive been sick and mean and nasty lately, the whole year on the whole is good, im not angry and im not living day to day, as much as the whole job thing isnt optimal and isnt where id like to be at this point at my career it is where i am, and it doesnt affect my responsibilities as a Dad which at this point in time is more important just like it always should be, yes i have my distractions but in the long time its saturday night and im hanging out at home and hes fast asleep and im just watching tv hanging out, its better to be who i am and do thins according to my judgement about what is right and wrong rather than tryin to reach for a reality that doesnt exist, when hes happy just haning out with me and i make enough money to buy us both nice things and keep us fed and have stuff to do on weekends thats all he needs, time with daddy, sometimes with freinds, but always with daddy. Current Mood: Love. I'm a soldie

How does one daddy saying no Video games for the weekend translate into overdosing on the super Mario 3 cartoon all weekend, i bet that my kid knows more about Mario than most hardcore gamers, it's pretty cool tho, if he likes something, probably drives his mother nuts... next i teach him about Pokemon lol. Current Mood: Happy. You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again

Pretty happy that im feeling a little better and i have little man hanging out with me, its funny to see him running around as a little bumbleebee robot with a nerf sword... next time he decides heès going to be cool spur of the moment ill have to take peektures... hes happy and loves all his toy story and transformer, drove me nuts with the power core converter thing, make it a bigger robot daddy!!!! thanks sis.... i spent half hour putting it together so he could take it apart and play with the dinky car parts instead.... of course he really like the hot wheels things so maybe instead of video games and action figures for easter maybe we will go with a few hot wheels sets and have him playing with something diffrent, hes pretty happy right now in his room chillin out watching mario 3 the cartoon.... and i still might have some surprises for him later. Current Mood: Happy. It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their

Thank fucking god i finally have a night off from my fucking job and my exploding headache has decided that its coming and going depending on time of day.... it fucking hurts when im at work and my head is in severe pain at weird hours in the am, doesnt help when it seems like the employer is recongnisant of said fact but has put procudures in place to prevent staff from taking a night off without fearing the consequences, hopefully with the weekend off my head can get back to normal and i can get some regular sleep but dont see me sitting here holding my breath for improvement at work. Current Mood: Agonizing Headache. If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

I should not be relying on advil and aspirin to cure a stress related migraine headache, i need a fucking day off, this is the last day of a two week streak but its ridiculous how ive had to suffer through the nonsense of not having a day off and having my head screaming at me to quit this goddamn job, when you are ignoring the pyshical signs your body is throwing at you because you are scared of losing a paycheck thats a pretty pathetic thing. Current Mood: Tired Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day.

The fact that i have been operating in a foggy haze on shift for most of the last week is unhealthy for me pyshcially and mentally for me and others around me, yes ive been sucking it up and going to work when i should be at home getting better but thereès nothing really wrong with me when a doctor at the medical clinic doesnt even bother to check me out, just tells me to come back for some blood work later in the week, obviously when youve got kids with flu symptoms its easy to dismiss someone who might be sick, its not like im eating, or sleeping regaulary or not puking blood, nope im perfectly healthy it took him 2 minutes to see me and 90 of those seconds to write me a script for what i think might be causing the black blood in my stomach anyhow, and people wonder why i dont go to doctors.. or call in sick unless im dead... im exhausted and working another 6 days without a break, it would be nice someday soon to have a day off but i doubt it, my employer would rather work me to d

this week has been hell between the never ending migraine and the puking up of black blood yesterday morning which is probaly from the ibeprofen but could very well be a fucking ulcer, i need a fucking day off i should not be working 13 days in a row without a break, but of course in this mickey mouse organization if i call in sick ill end up fired, cannot wait for this sonofabitch to get sick or for the whole house to come down with an epdemic of something, this job is killing me, i have to find something new and soon. Current Mood: Dead. I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead

Thank god i have things and people In my life that distract from the hell that is my job, esp when Tylenols and other medications are eating a hole in my stomach just so that I am functional enough to go to work, at least at the end of a shift i can figure out how to get some rest and not worry about the reality of the rest of the day, It's bullshit that many of us are taking sick and that management is putting the responsibility of taking care of it on our shoulder's but that's what happens when management is corrupt, I don't care anymore and I have the feeling I am not the only one feeling that way, it's time to move on and thank fucking god I have options outside of this city,after this week of excessive sleeping and migranes i might as well have this headache forever because my job is eating away at me like a cancer, there is only so long i can remain positive and even that good happy feeling disappates after a few days at work, but i need that good energy from

sometimes all you need to escape the reality of this world is your real reality, its nice to be able to go somewhere and have no real worries about the rest of your life, when you areand her are around, its right.. its family, regardless of whatever the situation is as long as they are happy thats all that matters in this world. the kids act like the exact way they should and for a quirk of fate they would be more than cousins, they are so comfortable together, I wish they could be together every day, Current Mood: Happy. Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the one most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children.

i really need to make some decisions based on what is the possible situion for my son, it is probaly healther for us to elsewhere than hamilton becuase other places he has a really close freind and he is extremely happy being a role model for her and showing her how to do stuff, I am more refreshed from a weekend here than i have been in a long time from time off from work, all the stress melts away when I am away, it's possible that their are jobs up here and sharing a house might make more sense than paying thru the nose for a basement apartment, the kids are so happy together and chasitity's daughter is so cute and so attached to my little man it's awesome.. I really gotta decide the next stage in my and his lifes because i would rather he have someone around to grow up with than an assortment of kids in the neighboorhood he really can't get to know becuase he's only there a few days a week. I have had a lot of fun here and we haven't done much but just sit

Just put my two favorite little people to bed and hope they stay that way, they are like two little excited peas in a pod, wish that we could stay longer but he has to go back to school monday, but this makes me happy seeing him with someone around, so it's going to happen more often as much as I can. Current Mood: Happy. A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap.

Nothing like watching two little rugrats playing all morning and being happy, it was cute when they opened the light sabers and started sword fighting and little man was tryin to teach her how to be Lego star wars the game and work together, pretty happy that I've taken this little vacation with little man just to get away from all our problems, mostly mine and be somewhere where we are just loved, no expectations just somewhere where we are loved. Current mood: Happy. Kids spell love T-I-M-E.

It's nice to watch my world and all my frustrations go away and see my son be very happy with someone he loves to be around and is almost as old as him, he seemed almost as excited as her to be coming here for the birthday weekend so maybe in a perfect world one day things might work themselves out. No crystal ball but they are thick as thieves, sound familiar to anyone? Current Mood: Happy. The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five.

Cigarette smoking should not become the flashpoint issue itès becoming at work, these kids are 16 they shouldnt be smoking period, ièd kick my nephews ass if i caught him smoking so why are these workers letting these young kids smoke.. legal age is 18 to smoke and 19 to buy in my understanding, why we have 15 and 16 year old smoking is beyond me, of course having major concerns over these kids smoking takes away from real issues within the house such as a lack of control and a lack of food, better the kids use an appetite supressant than actually buy groceries right.... anyways, ièm beyond giving a shit right now itès time for me to enjoy my little weekend away with the little man and some of the people i care about, i can leave the nightmare that is my job till sunday night at midnight, no reason to agonize about the slow death that is happening there to all of us staff until then, says something when most of the staff are unhappy and several of us are considering quitting on princi

Sometimes I question what i do, esp. in the clusterfuck that is this new group home within the organization where it seems like people are crawling up the walls, both cvlient and staff, but then something like this morning happens and I get a hug from a client from the other house who is waiting outside for me to ackoledge him in this weather, talk for a minute and then take off for school.. I know that I have made a diffrence in his life and for all the challenges and difficulty and bullshit i endure daily it's nice to know that I have made a diffrence in someones life, and that's all that matters, that's all I set out to do at this job.... I don't give a damn about the rest.... gonna try and take the client out for a coffee soon. Current Mood: Happy. Current Music: Kid Rock - Care We must become the change we wish to see in the world.

Another disturbing thing at work is the fact that some clients are reprimanded for smoking on property and another our so called together client get's carte blanche when he is doing things that he simply should not be doing, smoking on property is illegal for underage kids and staff, no one should be doing it period and smoking with the door open is even more fucking illegal, i could make an issue of an unsafe work enviorment when that is happeneing, it really fucking bother's me that obvious favoriteism is being shown even over a small issue like smoking at the door but whatever, of course having my boss undercut me when i'm trying to establish that it's not correct behavior doesn't help either, agian is it any wonder I hate this fucking job? I didn't before the new house, wonder why I do now, if you don't respect me how the fuck am i going to respect you? Current Mood: Unhappy. Rules are not necessarily sacred principles are.

So we got to the bottom of why the big argument took place friday morning, apperently one of the clients asked for one of his justifibale rights in asking for a phone call to his worker or the children's advocate, which is completely in his right... of course i get the gist of the situitaion is that i am coaching him on doing so, which I have not done, but as usual when something is wrong a scapegoat is needed so i can take the blame, bringing the house up to industry standards or having a surprise review by the advocacy office or the ministry would close us down, i'm not the one in charge of keeping the place running, but if you need someone to blame just blame me, much easier.. no wonder i am still on fucking payroll... it's easier to just deal with the small problems than to deal with the gaping flaws, of course some in higher places might see it diffrently but seeing how i am enganged in survival employment at this current time i need to keep my mouth shut and tow the c

Why the fucking hell am I remaining at this job when it's killing me, body, heart mind and soul? you know that your whole fucking career is on life support when your boss is yelling and screaming at you and you are the sane one saying this isn't an approiate time and place to have an arguement, we are supposed to hold ourselves to a higher level than that, When the kids are watching they are seeing Mommy and daddy's struggle's for dominance all over agian, you are a parent too you should understand that, of course then agian, i UNDERESTIMATE YOU, IT'S NOT ABOUT HELPING THE KIDS IT'S ABOUT MAKING A BUCK AND MAKING YOUR GODDAMN JOB EASIER... IF A STAFF MEMBER IS DEATHLY ILL AND TRANSMITS IT TO THE kids it's his fault, but he had to come in because you couldn't take the fucking responsibilty to find him some relief... in what fucking pycho universe is it the sick indivuals reposnibility to let anyone other than his employer find relief for him? I seriousl

Sorry about being so moody today, it's just I am sick of seeing the same things in my life repeating and I am powerless to do anything agianst them because long ago I left the kind of life that would lead to real attachments or any kind of lasting emotions, when I open myself once agian I do it to the wrong people, and I let myself become consumed by issues that are not my own and i let them reflect real issues in my life, and become a mirror of them, I care about goddamn things too deep, or not at all. It's time to start dealing with the things i do care about and changing the circumstances. Current Mood: Determined. Current Music: Du Hast, Rammstein. None of you seem to understand, I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me!

how fucked up was i that i rescued watchmen from the quarter bin and identified with the most pyschopathic character? I am sitting around evaluating my life right now with the advent of a new fucking year and All i see is a long list of failures and things that I saw that have failed, what's the point of sitting on a graveyard shift and not making a diffrence with people, What's the point of being fucking alone and not giving a damn? If i can't be with the one shouldn't I choose the other? I'm haunted by a lot of things in my life but it shouldn't be such a fucking challenge to get ahead in my life and find happiness, I used to revel in my rebellion and my misery, I have to fucking have it my way and never comprimise because comprimising might mean being taken advantage of, or letting someone i care about being compromised and taken advantage of, but now I often wonder If i should have been more leniant and let things happen the way they were supposed to, I can&

Another person from the old neighboorhood has passed and I am still right here, watching people die, I know that have made choices that have saved me from the life that others have lived but it still bothers me to have at least two of the kids i grew up with both gone, one shot to death in a senseless situation, another a victim of her own choices, but it still bothers me, I got out but for how long, how long until I become the self destructive person that was always predicted for me? how long until the next person i find out about is my own baby sister who I have been estranged from for over ten years.. it scares me that I lose people that were close to me at one time and all i think about is when is it going to be my turn? Right now I'm not sure exactly what I'm thinking.... Current Mood: Sad. People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend.

Don't be so quick to sell your soul in hopes of gainful employment, It can be worse than staring into the abyss of nothingness employment wise, Right now I am commiting career suicide at midnight minium wage, but that might change tommorow but i fucking doubt it, Worrying so much about a job you will be a subserviant little drone to isn't a good thing, actually wanting one is even worse, there are days i don't even break even to what i would be getting with the broken wheel on ODSP.... there are a few bright spots in my life but a lot of what i endure right now is darkness and abject hatred,I don't like my world and am desperatly trying to escape it, but for any of those people that truly know me they know that what I do for a living is a calling and it is a war, and I am merely on a fucking mission, one that never ends... of course sometimes it's hard to deal with, witness my descent into alcholism last year, of course that's ok, I'd rather dull the pain th

One has to wonder what the next step in his life is going to be when somone who i Hold near and dear to me in my life decides she basiccly wants to affect my life completely and change it so that she is agian the number one priority in my life, I am here, you just need to be availible, the fire has never gone out inside my heart it has just stopped burning a little because I have had other pleasures and people in my life, you being a full time part of my life agian esp. with both of us having children is confusing and would affect my life, I would problay make some life altering decisions because of you but I would have to weigh everything out in my mind, I am currently happy with my life, maybe not employment wise but I like who I am, I really think I'd have to write both you and the mother of my child letter's speaking truly from the heart before I can totally make the next decision and go forward, i am aware of the ticking time bomb going off and every day we get a little ol

It's really time to be fucking moving on from my current exsistance, when i am referring to my current shift as purgatory and I am very clearly being used by management on the holidays to effectively be a scapegoat, it's time to go.. my talents are being wasted here and I can see that the longer I stay the longer this slow state of career suicide will continue, nothing like having to deal with a major issue on new years AM and have it blow over for the weekend, on the telephone I get positive reinforcement for a job well done, but then when he get's in on monday morning it's the same old state of warm piss down my back re: the incident which I'm sure the dumb fucking retard hasn't even bothered to read the incident reports, It's painfully aware to me how much this so called non profit organization is trying to make a profit, Once agian a client had a fucking pocketknife after keeping Night staff going till 5 am the night before, and things are kept hush hus

This should be an interesting experiment if it works and will allow me to blog from home, and then i can share happier moments rather than the usual pent up frustations when i get to a pc... Current Mood: positive