Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Another awesome weekend where we didnt do a lot, but what we did do was enough and it was important, hes happy and having a good time, and hes having fun which is what he needs right now, to know that hes safe, i wish that he had a choice and could live here, but as much as i want that, its not happening, but it bothers me when I have concerns about the way things are done in st. catherines, upon more further reflection i really need to get the schools version of events as i cant trust her skewed version, and its not fair to josh to not hear things from everyones side, but Im not happy to hear that my son is being punched and kicked by another kid on a regular basis and that it has been going on for months. Current Mood: Determined. In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Had an interesting day went to the movies and toysr us, he got to see Gnomeo and Juliet finally which he enjoyed a whole lot more than i expected him to, it was a sweet and funny movie,and the fact that he made a comment about needing the huge lawnmover to deal with his bully was funny... he got a couple of spiderman transformers and is a very happy boy, i really hope that this bullying stops as there is no reason in this world for that little boy to know fear... Current Mood: Happy. I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection.

Nothing like just hanging out with my kid first thing in the morning and watching him play his Nintendo and drive daddy less nuts with really good behaviour, i know i can play devils advocate and sometimes see things that are there and are not there, but why is he having really good behaviours at home and then having the issues he has at school, not that i have any insight into his other environment at home but i know in this one he has plenty of stimulus and a very attentive father, but then again i have an idea of what's happening there, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut about it even tho i am going to more involved, time to invoke my weekly visit too methinks.... pick up at school once a week, also this is the 900th blog post hooray!!! Current Mood: Happy Childhood is the fiery furnace in which we are melted down to essentials and that essential shaped for good.

I cannot say that i am happy with what i heard today that some bully my sons age is picking on him and that the teacher is making some very bad choices, of course i am only hearing her version but i think that its long past time i started being more involved in my sons education and i will be attending his afternoon classes to observe his behaviors next friday... but its long past time for me to be more involved in his life in terms of school, i am the one that doesnt have a tie to the school board, at least today we came to the consesus that I should be the daytime contact number seeing how shes a teacher and i work graveyard shift so therefor i am availible to answer phone etc, make decisions re:behavior, contact grandma for pickup etc... it just makes sense.. shouldnèt have taken almost 8 years for us to get on this page, i dont like the way the board treats him because of her, i dont feel sorry for her tho her behaviors reflect peoples opinions, thats why i have little to a non ex

ANother wonderful quiet day at work, why do i only have the good days when i work off someone I know and trust who actually had me be her supervisior reference for another job today, it feels good to know that at least someone at work respects me, it feels even betetr to know that on paper or off even my asshole boss has basically given me the role of being supervisior because he knows I'm the one that gets shit done, it would be fucking nicer if said status came with a pay raise or better hours but whatever, in the long run i'll put it on my resume and it will look better when i move on. Plus i got paid, so disney on ice with the kidlets is a go. Current Mood: Happy. It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?

..and once again i can tell you how little i give a shit about my job, its pretty sad when we are focusing on protecting our ass rather than a mentally unhinged child who likes to expose himself, when its more important to deal with covering our asses than it is to deal with the sudden onset of a new behavior it's sad, I am starting to understand this kids mentality too, he's becoming a scapegoat for shit he doesn't do... when staff are stealing food, of course first the overnight guy gets accused of stealing shit.. and then when an unsatisfactory answer is reached there... this particular client gets the blame, i don't always think he's innocent but i think he is this time. then again all we are missing is the fucking rubber rooms, its not like we are helping these kids prepare for life or teaching any kind of fucking life skills, we are merely coddling and warehousing them until they are old enough to go on ODSP, go to prison, or go to the mental hospital, because

Its getting fucking insane at work when none of us are fucking happy as staff and one of the little nimrods is running around all night exposing himself, i mean we need to crack down on shit klike this before one of the fucking atff ends up assaulated, these kids cant think that this kind of behavior is acceptable, of course seeing how theres no routine or contuinity of care between staff members and little to no communication because if we had communication we might end up having a fucking union and actually standing up for our rights, but that would mean they would have to pay us more, these kids are going to end up on the streets or worse, probaly in jail or a mental instition and its not like anyone cares, we just warehouse em till the next step, i think last night staying up till 6 am i reached a brand new breaking point, its time to get agreesive about my goals in life and start planning the move on. Current Mood: Frustrated. The real joke is your stubborn, bone deep conviction

This morning is not starting well, finding out that management is lying to staff and playing games about not only my hours but other peoples hours is making me understandably very fucking angry, i needed the extra fucking hour but the fucking games are being played, you know you shopuld relly watch yourself when me and my closest confindant at work definitnly consider ourselves a team, even if no one else does at the organizzation, i think this is how the political bullshit started at the other house with everyone hating each other and their job, when people play games people start to go a little fucking crazy, and when that happens look out, no wonder theres such a high rate of burnout and turnoverin this feild esp. when you have hellhole houses like this that are merely warehousing the kids that what ultimately end up in prison or pychiatric care because there is no place for them in our society, it would help if these kids got some counselling or some therapy but at this mickey mous

I need to convince myself why i am doing this job agian, after 8 months we are finally going to have a staff meeting and be on the same page, you mean we might actually clear up some lingering issues that management has caused, oh golly gee, wouldnt that be swell, of course on the other hand quoting from the bible about he cast the first stone or some shit and letting all the indivual staff have their own little fiefdoms is bullshit, and the whole idea that you even try and refernce the bible around an employee is unaccepatable, some of us dont share your beliefs and if you spew bible crap down my throat it will get dealt with at the labour board level, but its not even that, there are rules in place for these kids for a reason and spoiling them and letting them have their way when they have a temper tantrum makes me more of a gloryfied fucking babysitter than anything esle, it doesnt help when certian staff, who arent working MY overnight shift are undercutting me by saying oh i could

This fucking job is really fucking getting to me, after the place being a complete joke, yes lets let little johnny play the fucking xbox alll night at full blast and have everyone in the house, use some common sense fucktards.. im sick of so called co workers sleepwalking thru shifts, im sick of the fucking politics coming from management and higher,im sick of my boss playing favorites, im sick of doing other peoples jobs and cleaning up their fucking messes, it doesnt help when my boss is giving some of these people preferitaial treatment but i dont care, i am as burned out at this job as i am ever going to be and as i said to the new guy last fucking night...i am an overnight warm body and a placeholder for the next shift, i dont contribute anything to the fucking shift... the best fucking part of last night and this morning, after figuring out that im being fucked for shifts and only have 28 hours in this week, i find out theirs a new overnight male hire at the other group home, so

...and today its back into the pit of hell for a couple of weekday shifts and the majority of the weekend, i guess i cant complain i just had three days off and i have the night off tommorow, of course next week will be the hell shift because there will be so many of them but you know what, as long as i see my little man at the end of the week thats all that really matters, i am justifying my life by doing and being with him, i could give or take this job theres no reason anymore for me to internalize so many of these emotions about the turmoil at work, as it was proved when i went and got laid off people that dont like to, adapt when they need to, i dont need to worry about their opinions anyways, as long as i do the right thing by me and dont harm anyone along the way its all good. i just wish i could I could find something elsewhere and not be continually dreading going into work after an awesome weekend with my kid. Current Mood: Tired. We pretend to work because they pretend to pa

I dont know whats more fun, confusing the never ending chatter about mario and boos as mario drinking booze, or the fact that it takes me 15 minutes to download a new game for my little man and hes happy... hes a little too smart for his own good tho.. advertising pirate games on his magic card in public aint the best thing, he is so into the mario thing its funny... my nephew wasnt even this bad, im going to get him the original mario games for his easter gift... but its nice that hes not just playing the game hes actually learning about the characters because he has the toys and the cartoons and he can spout facts about them, i also noticed a lot of reading this weekend, maybe i can find some mario books or mario comic books he can take home to mommys to read, i should be real smartass and find the Super Mario movie... (beyond bad.) and send it home for him to annnoy mommy with. but it was an awesome weekend, he wants to grow his hair out like daddys and have it messy and he can find

Slept in this morning due to exhaustion from work, but little man just played his Nintendo DS and didnt even turn his tv on, hes stll on his Mario kick, i might get him super mario all stars for easter, be kinda cool considering all the time he spends watching the Super Mario 3 cartoon. when he can tell me more characters than i can remeber its pretty cool, hes a pretty happy and satisfied kid.. the biggest thing i have to worry with him is too much attitude when i try and take the toys away... of course theirs a reason why he wont be getting a 3DS on release but it will have to wait for Xmas if even then, all i know is that its pretty cool to just have him sitting beside me playing Mario Paint while im blogging. Current Mood: Happy. Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music.

Its nice to have another week just melt into obsucirity because hes too busy hanging out with his dad and bugging about which mario game he wants most, newsflash, you get the transformers revenge of the fallen game instead because its five bucks, let mom buy the expenisive games... youll enjoy the game just as much... esp when you come home and have no interest in your wii because i finally got a few more of your action figure things unpacked out of boxes and batteries, of course the fact that the 75$ dollar bumblebee was interesting for about 5 minutes was funny.... as was the boo and booze conversation, sometimes little man the things you say are hilarous, even if you dont realize it, i am so gratefulto have you in my life and i would never change you one bit... its pretty awesome having you as a son. Current Mood: Happy. Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed.

Yeah its not fucking surprising i had a nosebleed at work today, i havent had one in years but the fact that my stress levels are thru the fucking roof, and on my last shift i catch hell for not doing something when i did everything else that was expected, im not kreskin i cant anticipate things, this lack of communication makes us a joke, the fact that he could have texted me directly about it makes it even more of a joke... i have fucking kids stealing cigarettes right out of my coat as i sleep and if they were malicous they could do a lot more than that, thank god i have a good relationship with the one most likely to harm a staff member, while i may not feel safe i actually think that client might fucking think before choosing to harm me, but whatever i gotta find something else. Current Mood: Stressed. Of all that is written, I love only what a person has written with his own blood.

I cant wait for tommorow to come, this shift cant come fast enough for me, i cant wait to have my little man for the weekend and just enjoy myself without all the bullshit stressors that have been happening recently, sometimes i just want to hide in a hole and not come out until everyones gone away, it funny how things change in your life and you go from being loud and angry to insightful and quiet, and how you desire those things when you dont have them, im still angry but i feel i have changed and its the reason i cant relate to certian people is the fact that im not the same person that they expect me to be, even over the last two years ive mellowed, there have been so many personailty changes i dont think an earlier version of myself would recognize me, i hardly do in the mirror, when my patience level for things i used to do as a jackass is very low, it makes me wonder, when the fuck did i take the oppurtunity to grow up..... Current Mood: Tired. I love to play hide and seek with

Who in the blue hell thinks its a good fucking idea to have a unstable child that is prone to running away in a fucking MMA class, you know theres no fucking anger issues there at all... this is yet another fucking idication of the lack of clear fucking thinking with this organization, i am getting so fed up with, i mean this wont ever becomne an issue if hes caught creating maces with razorblades and duct tape agian will it... its so fucking shortsighted, i really feel for my own personal safety i need to find something else to do with my life i am even considering taking disabilty leave just to fucking deal with shit...its very shortsighted and a lack of of concern for personal safety for the employees, i really dont think Im going to end up leaving this group home alive at this rate and fgiven the lack of concern for saftey here i dont want to end up a fucking fatality. Current Mood: Pissed Off The safety and happiness of society are the objects at which all political institution

I have to fucking get out of here, it's getting insane, when i am being bitched at about taking a sick day from someone else and getting overtime as a fucking result, a natural consequence of me working 14 days straight is the fact i will end up with overtime, it's fucking ridiculous the petty concerns these assholes have with the support staff, we should be concentrating on the real issues, but no lets play management/grunt politics and have small issues, its not like your personal policy on sick days could have prevented this, no, following the actual policies and procedures would be more effective but then agian, No one gives a shit, i'm so sick of the rules chaning, i think it's time to talk to upper management and or the labour board, there's only so much more insanity i can take... Current Mood: Annoyed. Perhaps a lunatic was simply a minority of one.

Yeah, the fucking patience level for work is almost nil..... its the fucking seventh and the cheques are coming in at fucking 7 pm at night, what kind of ridiclous shit is this, it should be availible at the latest by the afterrnoon and not so people have to wait another fucking buisness day, of course then agian the buisness model at this mickey mouse organization doesnt care about there frontline workers, its about turning a profit and keeping everyones mouth shut in regard to the absenses of things and the lack of any strong contuinity of care, its better to just warehopuse these kids and babysit than actually do anything to improve their quality of life, they are only going to end up in prison or worse anyways, we shouldnt care, im glad i dont do this job for the money but i am getting to the point with this organization as my carreer burns that the money is becoming my only motivation, it would be very easy for me to turn both houses into anarchy by setting the kids off and callin

Do you ever get the feeling that your life is standing still and there is no longer anything to look forward to, i really need to define for myself some new goals and acheivements, there is only so long i can sit around at home on video games and watching my sons cartoons on dvds, i cant be a hermit anymore even tho its winter and i dont need to go out unless its a work day, but its a sad joke when i have to define myself by a job I hate, i need to find myself some other interests and things to do in this life, i bought a new notebook i need to start writing poetry agian, and a few new essays and research papers probaly wouldnt hurt either... i just need to find motivation agian. Current Mood: Miserable. When the highwayman holds his gun to your head, you turn your valuables over to him. You 'consent' alright, but you do so because you cannot help yourself, because you are compelled by his gun. Are you not compelled to work for an employer? Your need compels you, just as the h

Its interesting to see who is either offline from facebook or has removed me from facebook, i am so fucking glad that i dont define my life or my childs life by the person i am with, even tho i usually dont involve my little man in my relationships other than maybe having my freind around for coffee, its not like i meet someone and two weeks later i move in with them and have them living in my apartment, i make better decisions than that, but of course im not her, and im not batshit crazy, i dont define myself by who im with, even if i end up hurt in the end and i come running to the one constant in my life because i am that childs father and i am not going anywhere.... but thats her.. and thats her life.. and i cant change her.. its not like any of our relationships werent defined by the fact that she came running back when she had emotional troubles... Current Mood:Confused. The most abusive words that I hear are `never again,` ... Have we learned from history? I do not know.

I dont know if its hamilton or a new found sense of complantency that is making me ready to bolt out of the city, but i dont feel like it is home anymore, i just go to work and come home and dont do anything interesting or important in my life, all i do at my job is provide for the warehousing of kids and then i come home and sleep most of the afternoon... is this what the rest of my life is going to be like, not seeing past the door in front of me.. i feel that the longer i stay here in hamilton, at this job the longer my soul slips away, im not the same individual i was in niagara or windsor and the anger and the mood swings seems to come at random now.. maybe i was better off young and angry and self destructive back in the day, it certianly worked wonders for my relationships, at least i found love with that tattered choatic emotoinal being i was back then, there is no fucking point at being zen and at peace with the world, its better to be angry and lashing out and getting fucking

Its reevaluation time agian, i dont know how much longer i can stay at my job with the complete lack of professionalism towards everything, i mean when my so called boss is reading books like secrets of disipline to deal with these kids, im sorry but everything i do at work comes from common sense and my training that is almost 10 years old at this point, i feel i have more experince than him and at this point in time trying to put a bandaid on a growing problem by introducing disipline into the chaos of these kids life is about 6 fucking months late, all i see is my carreer slipping away and my hours being cut, i really need to be looking elsewhere and find a place with actual management not just some guy that does the day shift because i has a 20 percent investment in the organization and warehousing kids makes the upper management money, i made 15,000 dollars last year, even with the lay off thats ridiclous, and now we get yet another new staff and i lose a shift and go from 44 hour