Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

Heres a new game, lets try and actually care about our sons well being and his relationship with his father and his fathers family who have never done anything to ever fucking hurt you, yet you still are not answering the phone, whats your plan to force this back to court, to involve the police.. how fucking stupid are you, how mad are you to want out child even further mentally scarred by your nonsense, of course its all about control, if yuou cant have it you crave it, and youve never been able to control me, so you attempt to by controlling him, newsflash, hes too much like me, and one day he will grow up to reject you. Current Mood: Angry. Mom hates dad, Dad hates mom, it all makes you feel so sad.

Why with all the positives in my life do i feel like I am just standing still, stalled in the time and place that i am and that its not going to ever get any better, and this is the sum total of what im worth, a wandering soul working a meaningless graveyard job and someone who can no longer see anything positive3 in the way of reward coming tommorow... it does not help that i am once agian left with the uncertainity of what the next step is carreeer wise, mental health wise and emotionally, this job takes a toll even more so when you factor in the mindgames currently eminating from st. catherines.. when staring into this black fucking hole of doubt One is half tempted to return to niagara and learn to flip burgers, i mean whats the fucking point anymore, im not making any more money than i would be being a barista or a bartender, and i have the emotional scars and the fact that I cant trust anyone in this feild, i once thought that this career path was about making change in young peo

Things might Improve because of tommorow but it seem that ever time i get a little ray of fucking hope in my life, that other things that once seemed so important to me start to go terribly fucking wrong, of course then agian, i have developed such a thick skin to these things its long past time that i give a shit, its really hard to care when you know that other persons dont, and the worst part is when i am dealing with that at both an employment level and a personal level when it involves my son, its probaly more than i can handle, so i withdraw, i stop caring completely, the fire in my belly has gone, im not nineteen anymore, i cant fight other peoples battles the rest of my life, all i can do in find peace for myself, but even that right now is lacking.... Current Mood: Apathy Everyone has a right to be an idiot. Some people abuse the privilege.

Tick Tock, you are out of options, looks like its time for reality to come slamming you directly in the face, lawyer time. i dont play mindgames and i dont deal in fucking bullshit, i live in the real world not in some fairytale world where you dictate everything, you want to play alice in wonderland, i can lend you the fucking blu ray disc, you have used up your last chance once agian and forced my hand, you were given an option and you chose not to follow it, therefore you are screwed and its game over time... this is the last fucking straw and its breaking the camels back, if you want to play games, lets do it... Because I am the Game And I Came to Play. Current Mood: Pissed Off Hatreds are the cinders of affection.

Fucking figures, easter weekend and i have child support and the games continue to be played, phone calls are being ignored even tho i was very fucking clear that we would be having a court order required visit this weekend, but of course she who shall not be fucking named decides to play fuckin games, so what else is new, time to stop playing by the fucking rules, i should make her fucking chase me for child support seeing how there is a lack of a fucking support order and she is obviously playing games with the court order as it currently stands, if it wasnt the fact i am the responsible parent and do not want to put my child thru the choas of police involvement i see enough of that horseshit at work, but of course if my access starts being at her fucking leisure agian, we might have to go in front of the fucking judge and someone might lose fucking custody, its called parental interference bitch, and if i can prove even at 37 that you still dont know how to keep your fucking legs cl

Im not sure of my current comfort level with my employment but its interesting to note that note only is toronto currently an open option, welland is as well with me being asked for references for a position i applied thru with them, i really dont know what the next step is, this next week or so should be very interesting and telling as to the next step my eventual evolution, i cant see anything changing overnight but then agian, i wouldnt fucking complain if it did. Current Mood: Frustrated, but Hopeful. Current Music:When Im Gone, Eminem. The future is an opaque mirror. Anyone who tries to look into it sees nothing but the dim outlines of an old and worried face

The bullshit continues, i found out more about the fucking douchebag at work and there is no way you mouth off to the boss and quit, and then get hired back unless the place seriously has something to hide, trust is everything in this business and its becoming very clear to me that there is an overall lack of trust going all the way around, they really need to start focusing on these issues or people will continue to drop like flies, there are many reasons for our high turnover rate and this among other things like paycheques not being in till the holday are reasons why people dont feel valued or trusted, then agian they hire anyone with a pulse, so its really not my fucking problem, im expendable. Current Mood: Annoyed. Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's.

One of the things i thought about on thursday wandering around toronto is how much i have changed since the last time I lived in toronto and how then, as now i had little time for anyone to be part of my life because unless they wantede me to be there i wasnt, and now while things are diffrent in this world,i still cant be bothered to chase illusions and dreams and sit around waiting for people who i should have let be gone a long time ago, when all i see is a chance for another new start when i return to toronto it must mean there is fundamentallly something wrong here with my happiness, of course she who should not be named hasnt made it easy for me either, but when i feel id nhave more inner peace at a diffrent job, that comes into play too... Current Mood: Tired. If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.

You have to be fucking kidding me, after all the bullshit that has gone down at my employment and all the games and all the nonsense, some shavetail rookie is calling the fucking ministry over food, look around kid there are far worse problems with the organization than the fact that you dont like the meal choices, and worse yet, fucking guy is stabbing people in the back, including someone i respect and consider a freind, yet still has a fucking job, last time i checked unfounded whistleblowers dont last long, but knowing this organization, fucking guy will end up a supervisior.... i dont like rats, and i like the fact less that even tho youve admitted calling the ministry youve hardly worked 3 shifts, ill tell you one thing, in my group home, if i ever have the dollars and sense to get one, i wont put up with an employee that goes behind my back to the ministry, i dont always play by the rules either, but i dont need to be looking over my back to see if some shithead doesnt like my

Tommorow should be an interesting day, i think that i have outlined some of the sources of negativity in my life and i will have to see how that i can deal with them, sometimes its not enough to give a shit, you have to be the change you want to make in this world, i cant sit around and wait on other people to change things for me, i need to do it for myself. Current Mood: Determined. Current Music: Slow My Roll, Kid Rock. It is easier to avoid the effects of others' negativity when we question if an action or attitude is appropriately directed at us. If it isn't, we can choose to sidestep it and let it pass.

it really bothers me when i realize that its not about the quantity of the time i spend with my son, but the quality of it, i think he gets more out of adventures with me just hanging out and doing what he likes to do and what i like to do, than he gets at home, some of his comment about the new boyfreind agian, and other things he just doesnt want to talk about bothers me,its really hard being a single father sometimes, esp. when little man seems like he would rather be here forever and doesnt want to go home.... it troubles me greatly when he says things like they didnt do anything last weekend even tho she took the weekend away and the wonderful new one sided communication from her is constantly ending everytime time she gets a new loser... another guy from the gutter.. i dont know why she has these people around my fucking pride and joy.. but i cant control her... one day shell fuck up.. and then hell be mine all mine.. or hell grow up and reject her.. and it will be the things i

Lucas does know how to sell toys to many many generations with his varations on a theme, i find it funny that my son discovered star wars thru lego instead of thru action figures and the movies like me and my nephew, but its all good, hes watched thru both episode one and two this weekend, and he likes them, trying to break him of driving me nuts with cartoons 247 because ill watch live actions movies with him.... theres a reason i lent out most of his cartoons for a while, he needs to discover new stuff, its so cute when he tell me all about his figures and his star wars people... it gets annoying but hes little and i was probaly the same way... i remeber having MOTU and Castle Greyskull when i was his age and i wouldnt shut up about them, and i think mario came that christmas or next, im glad we can share some experinces but my little man is finding his own way in the world and not being defined by either me or his mother, so that way he can be the free spirit he was always meant to

Always fun even on a rainy day going out with my little man and seeing a holiday movie, i know that there is nothing in this world more important than him and he thinks the same way, all my problems in the world can be erased by just spending time with him and trying to see the world thru his eyes, when i am in that place there is nowhere id rather be.... Current Mood: Happy. You will find that if you really try to be a father, your child will meet you halfway.

...And we are spending our morning playing lego games, we have already tried the demo for lego star wars III, and now hes got himself playing lego indy, and is having fun, im glad that these games are out there because its more of a learning experince by building than playing mindless mario all the time, he likes mario but whatever, when he gets older hell appreicate movies more than the games, did i mention i found lego harry potter for him... hes bugging for lego star wars sets, and star wars vehicles of the regular kind, glqad i have a few good ideas for christmas and his birthday in dec hehehe, he finally discovered the live action stars wars last night and watched episode one... he is so innocent and wonderful, i wish this was every morning, tried to explain that daddy works when he sleeps but he didnt quite understand, but its all good, because it doesnt matter, he just asks question which is awesome, as long as he questions things everything will be alright in this world, even i

Nothing like hanging out with my boy and having him tell me about his week and school while eating hamburgers and not having a care in the world, i wish we could do this 247 but thats not the way the world works, so i cherish all the time i have with him, even when hes sitting at home driving me nuts with his super mario stuff, this week its sunshine because its his new game,wait till he gets his easter gift and gets the classic marios, hes gonna to poop candy, lol. its just awesome knowing hes here and he loves me and that nothing can tear that relationship apart. Current Mood: Happy. You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.

you know that i really do have self destructive tendencies and the fact that they have always given me goals and a sense that my life on this earth will end sooner than later and everything i wanted needed to be done because one day soon i was gonna be gone... of course it hasnt turned out that way, im just holding on in a steady pattern trying to become someone im not, lowered expectations i guess, when i cant see any point to the robotic lifestyle of work, then sleep, then work then death, i mean whats the fucking point, my greatest accomplishments in this life mean nothing because one ( the biggest accomplishment.) i hardly get to see do your machinations, two the second biggest accomplishments were my education yet i can make the same amount of fucking money pumping gas and saying would you like some fucking fries with that... i guess when you get to a point where nothing matters, nothing ends up actaully mattering, at middle age im looking forward to the end... because at least t

Of late i have been aware that my darker side has dominating decisions and letting anger and apathy at diffrent times affect my life and i understand that while they may be tools for positive change certian things may also hold me back, and the fact that i am holding a grudge agianst both work and her are two things i need to examine and decide if the root causes of what makes me angry is really something i should be focusing on or if i should be focusing on solutions. Current Mood: Bored. All a gun does is focus an explosion in one direction. You have a class of young strong men and women, and they want to give their lives to something. Advertising has these people chasing cars and clothes they don't need. Generations have been working in jobs they hate, just so they can buy what they don't really need.

you know the weekend wasnt a total fucking write off, but it got me to start wondering, why the fuck do i let you affect me the way you do 6 years on, its clear to me someone need to grow the fuck up and be a real mom to our son, but you would rather hang around your halls of illusions and think that the world fucking revolves around you, its not really me that in the long run thats going to be affected but then agian, you cant or wont think about that can you, as long as your needs are satisfied thats all that matters, aint nothing that ever fucking changes there. Current Mood: apathetic. Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.

Nothing like a last minute message to ruin my plans for the weekend, if the game playing is going to continue i am going to involve the fucking authorities and have police enforcement, its is interesting to note that your phone number is currently not working as well, you can't deprive my son of his father for over a month, this is just nonsense and game playing and it is a direct attack upon me to wait till friday fucking morning to let me know hes sick, you have a family gathering, the more i hear it the more it smacks of bullshit and the lack of commuincation makes me think you are trying to push me away agian, newsflash, I am going to start persuing the letter of the law in terms of my cort order so you will be seeing a lot fucking more of me... my son has a right to see his father, i dont apprecaite the games that you have been fucking playing and I have the feeling the revolving door is spinning agian and you have a new boyfreind and you are trying to push me away yet agian,

I guess its pretty sad when all I can see is the writing on the wall at the funeral procession of the the four walls and the funeral... it appears to me unless i make drastic choices in my life i will be doing nothing but watching the wheels turn and keeping things status quo at my job, in my life, nothingness begets more nothingness... there is nothing here, nothing i care about anymore, no more goals i can accomplish working a dead end graveyard shift, and Hamilton itself is becoming a Ghost town to me, memories I see in reflected mirror images, probaly distorted by whatever i consider the good times, its not enough to merely survive, I need that fire in my belly, I need to be better than this... exsistance isnt enough. Current Mood: Apathetic. Current Music: Against the Wind, Bob Seger. I'm not afraid of death. It's the stake one puts up in order to play the game of life.

Reflecting on a few things i start to realize that the only place i have ever truly called home in the long run is within the group home system, i mean the fact that i have always lived my life as a nomad and never really settled down roots and my most meaningful female relationship of my life comes from the same damaged and corrupted history of being part of the system.. its interesting when you anyalze eveything you have done and realize what you are doing now is only an extension of what you were doing when you were growing up, i spend more time at the home than i do at home, and i would only consider it an illusion that unless i have a driven goal i usually end up sitting at home bored on my days off, without my son there is nothing really for me to look forward to on my free time, no wonder i spend all my time on electronic toys to entertian myself, i really dont have anything else going on, after last week and the documentary i should really start some self reflection and start