Self Destruction.

you know that i really do have self destructive tendencies and the fact that they have always given me goals and a sense that my life on this earth will end sooner than later and everything i wanted needed to be done because one day soon i was gonna be gone... of course it hasnt turned out that way, im just holding on in a steady pattern trying to become someone im not, lowered expectations i guess, when i cant see any point to the robotic lifestyle of work, then sleep, then work then death, i mean whats the fucking point, my greatest accomplishments in this life mean nothing because one ( the biggest accomplishment.) i hardly get to see do your machinations, two the second biggest accomplishments were my education yet i can make the same amount of fucking money pumping gas and saying would you like some fucking fries with that... i guess when you get to a point where nothing matters, nothing ends up actaully mattering, at middle age im looking forward to the end... because at least that will be interesting.

Current Mood: Bored.
Current Music: Avril, My Happy Ending.
Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.... Maybe self-destruction is the answer.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

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