Reflecting on a few things i start to realize that the only place i have ever truly called home in the long run is within the group home system, i mean the fact that i have always lived my life as a nomad and never really settled down roots and my most meaningful female relationship of my life comes from the same damaged and corrupted history of being part of the system.. its interesting when you anyalze eveything you have done and realize what you are doing now is only an extension of what you were doing when you were growing up, i spend more time at the home than i do at home, and i would only consider it an illusion that unless i have a driven goal i usually end up sitting at home bored on my days off, without my son there is nothing really for me to look forward to on my free time, no wonder i spend all my time on electronic toys to entertian myself, i really dont have anything else going on, after last week and the documentary i should really start some self reflection and start writing shit down, writing poetry agian even when.. no espically when im fucking frustrated at this job, its what helped me to survive the system the first time and the longer i work for the mickey mouse company the longer i get a serious sense of deju vu and a sense of being trapped. maybe i should get my electric guitar out of storage or buy a new one and start another band, even if it is just to blow off steam and not become political i need some outlets in my life i can see the demons starting to creep their way back after being held at bay for so fucking long, some of the demons in my life i need but not all of them, but the anger and the fact that i need to do something to change the world that doesnt involve me sitting doing a bullshit graveyard shift the rest of my life for mininum wage is becoming very clear to me at this current juncture, i need to stop allowing myself to be as comfortable as i am, i need to become hungry and angry agian, I need to be the person i was in college, because when that spark eventually dies it will be gone, and it needs to be the driving force and not just the little burning ember that says you gotta keep this job to take care of yourself and your child, its gotta be bigger than that, or what the fuck am i doing in the profession.
Current Mood: Nihilistic.
Current Mood: Metallica, Master Of Puppets.
On a large enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero.
Current Mood: Nihilistic.
Current Mood: Metallica, Master Of Puppets.
On a large enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero.
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