Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

It's been Seven years as of today and I can't feel anything more than what i felt for you 8 years ago... you are a non event in my life and nothing you can do to me will affect the way i feel about you... it's amusing to me to think back on things and relaize that your actions are the ones that are full of wrath and anger,.. i stopped caring about you a long time ago and now i am just driven to action because i have to be because of my child, but i do find it amusing... how much that you hate me.. and i wonder what I've ever done... because I could never hate you that much... I just don't give a damn about you... and that's the diffrence between us... happy new year... stay Miserable.. I won't. Current Mood: Happy. In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins, not through strength but by perseverance.

One More day and this horrible year of Hell is over and in the ground. At least at the end of it I am hopeful for the future and I expect to see changes, I know where my supports are and the last week has been a very good place for me to clear my headspace and erase some but not all of the darkness hovering around me... my heart is warm and ia ppreciate those that care for me.. and while the blow has been softened for a week, there is still a missing component inside my heart... next year will be an effort, not out of anger or a lust for revenge, those are your vices not mine... to make sure something like this can never happen agian, My news year resolution is the same as it was 9 months ago... to never speak to you agian and have him back in my arms... Current Mood: Determined. Beware the fury of a patient man.

It's interesting to see two people who are very diffrent in many ways, having the same likes and mannerisms as each other. it's very cute and It helps remind me that somethings in this world are meant to be, and that there is a deeeper reason for everything in this world. i am enjoying my little vacation and my dark headspace is finally clearing for the first time in months. hopefully i can keep everything positive going into the new year...without any major roadblocks.. Current Mood: Happy. The stop sign reminds us to slow our pace, take a moment's rest, and look around. Therein lies a whole philosophy of life.

Just another day to chill with the people that matter the most... there is a little part of that equation missing but next year i will have fixed that.. it's not my selfishness that has caused that.. but it is nice to just chill out with family members and enjoy myself and not have a care in the world... Next week, after the new year i will go back to concerning myself with the important stuff, i'm enjoying my little vacation and I am really considering the fact that Maybe my place isn't in central ontario or Hamilton and that their are so many other places i could be... but then agian, there's only one thing keeping me in Hamilton and it's not a job or freinds.... I am kinda happy right now and that is not something I have felt for a while... being around my family... makes me feel warm. Current Mood: Happy. An invincible determination can accomplish almost anything and in this lies the great distinction between great men and little men.

Even tho i am having a good time, there is someone missing here this year at Christmas, both in my heart and beside me. I am trying to focus and be happy none the less but sometimes having happy happy family just reminds me how lonely i am without my little person...a christmas like this will never happen agian.. I can't imagine how he must be feeling today. Current Mood: Sad. Christmas makes everything twice as sad.

You know i should be angry and feeling a lot of negative emotions right now, but i am not.. i am just sad..i AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND I AM EVEN MORE GRATEFUL WHEN THEY GIVE ME THE SPACE I NEED TO CLEAR MY HEAD. when all i can see is people around me that love me and care about me, even the darkest days can not be the end of the line... It's just another corner in my life to turn, the only thing I am missing this holiday is my son, and I am sure the feeling is mutual... but I am working on changing that situation as soon as possible... for the rest of the people i actually need in my life, I'm going to have a happy holiday and trying and enjoy some of their brightness around my internal darkness. Current Mood: Sad. A collected poems' is either a gravestone or a testimonial to survival.

You know while i may despair sometimes i know in my heart what is the truth and what is a lie and a game to another person, but to put my little person through what you are supposedly doing is inhumane and I have to wonder what kind of crack you are on.. to do this to him... do you actually think that i would go away after you have done this us? I think maybe you'd think that i would do something stupid... newsflash, i'm not going anywhere ever. I'm a Warrior... it's all i know how to be.. I FIGHT, I rebel. this battle isn't about me.. it's not about you It's about him... and it's a very dangerous game you are playing.... I am not going anywhere ever... I will outlive all of my enemies and conquer... I have no choice that's just the way i'm built... and i have patience. Current Mood: Determined. I had to fight all my life to survive. They were all against me... but I beat the bastards and left them in the ditch.

I came very close to ending my own life last night, There is so much I don't understand right now... and I cannot imagine what my little boy is going thruough, if i had a gun it would be minus a bullet right now.. and the world would be without one more poet.... Of course i don't have a gun.. so the point is moot... and other than the fact that suicide is the cowards way out, and I am no coward it doesn't mean it hasn't been considered, but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, so Hulk Is the strongest of them all.... please inform me if i am turning green. I am getting to a point where it is becoming very difficult to deal with the world and my place in it... the fact is.. thanks to someone else's petty jealousy, greed and lust for revenge my place in this world is gone. one of the reasons i am going home to Windsor for a month is to recharge and go somewhere where i never needed you, there is a reason i call Windsor home. it is the only place i was ever comf

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't do something stupid and turn this whole battle into a pyschial one. the things that you have said are so fucking disgusting and disturbing it's like you are reading out of a fucking manual on how to destroy someone... but guess what... due to circumstances i am the strongest motherfucking person i know and i will never fucking back down. the m,ore games you play and the more lies that are told the worse in the end that you are going to fucking look. this is a game just like evey other time... i just have to sit pateintly and wait for you to continue your fucking horseshit. while you do that i'll wait and bide my time... this is the biggest battle of my life and lo and behold look who i am having it with.... you are not worth my time and the more i read of everything the more i understand this is for revenge... something i can and will never feel for you... only because of him. that being said.. i will fight you until my dying breath..

At least I have a small victory In the fact I am dropping off his gifts today.. at least he will get the things that have been bought for him.. I hope anyways... it's going to be a long and interesting day, and while i am somewhat disappointed in some things i can also see other things that i can do to make my life more positive.... It's telling when you are alone at the holiday who is around and wants you around and who doesn't. of course I'm used to this... it's not like i GIVE A DAMN...Come the new year i will be making some more changes to my life and anyone i deem expendable probably will be. whatever, Today i'm happy, but not as happy as i should be. Current Mood: Determined. She who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.

Today is going to be a long day that will strain my already infinitely small patience level to the brink... all i see and feel right now is anger and apathy, I just have to sit and wait and see what the next chess move is going to be.... i want to smash the board and change the rules but i know if i let myself be affected it is counterproductive and as long as i stay positive and think of him and the fact that one day, at the end of this.. there will be an ending... that is enough to keep my demons and and the angry and psychotic side of my dark personality at bay... it's better to keep my darkness under control lest someone use it to prove that I am whatever she says I am.... Current Mood: Determined. When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

I am not feeling this Joyous holiday at all... All i see is darkness and Anger and the fact that I am standing still while the world moves on without me.... It's just another Christmas where I am going to be alone because someone that I once held dear is so full of anger and betrayal that all she wants to do is prevent me from being with the one person that I hold dearest.. but that's OK.. because i'll just celebrate my Xmas with him later.. hopefully some kind of detente can be reached in relation to his birthday and Xmas presents.. but I don't care... the more things happen and the more times that goes by.. when I sit and reflect on everything I am not the fucking person wrong in the equation... and history will prove this to be true... till then Bah Humbug... I'm miserable at Christmas every year anyways.... she's just making it easier this year to be. Current Mood: Depressed. Madness is the emergency exit. You can just step outside, and close the door on al

Nothing like a wonderful weekend of being sick and not feeling a goddamn thing, I am trying to retain the positivity from last week, after all i have a little boy who just turned 8 and even tho things suck i should be celebrating, all i am doing is being an insomniac and being frustrated. I have not been able to keep anything heavier than rice down for days, and the last fucking thing i need is someone complaining to me about their petty little issues that they themselves are responsible for, you think you have a shitty life, look at mine i have real world problems i have to deal with, here's a shovel, you are responsible for the decisions you make in your life, don't come crying and complaining to me.... I don't have fucking time for the drama in your life because I have enough of it in my life... you can have an argument... i'm fighting a war for my heart, soul and career.. i don't need your shit dragging me down, especially this close to the fucking holidays, so

Another birthday for you tommorow, Holy Moly, 8 already, you are getting so big.... Daddy loves you so much, I know things are confusing right now but daddy is fighting very hard to make them change. just know this little man, I love you unconditionally and after all the anger and hurt is gone it's still going to be you and me...I Hope you have a good birthday, i wish i could be there.... there are some gifts from daddy here and Santa will still visit too... But we might have to wait a while... I'll make sure that you get your birthday cards soon. I love you. Current Mood: Happy 8th Birthday tommorow Joshua. Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy.

I'm still angry, but I am very aware of How much you fear me and how I can use that to my advantage, It's better to be feared that loved, and I for one do not Fear you and I never have, I fear the damage you are doing, but In terms of intimidation that's a one way street, you're decision to go unrepresented is a great idea and one I applaud as that will make it so much easier to expose you, it will take longer but It will prove your character to all parties involved. you're credibility is already shot, and the long you try and draw this out the longer you will lose even more credibility and i will be eventually vindicated. Unlike you who decided to announce your whole flawed Strategy plan in a open setting, I am keeping my cards very fucking close to the vest, and i assure you, if you are afraid now, you have no idea what ghosts i will dredge up from your past to haunt you, I have the upper hand and you know it, and I have had for quite some time.... you are afraid,

Actually it's more like round fucking seventeen, more of the same usual hysterics and nonsense from the opposing party... I cannot believe her fucking manipulative bitch ways.. it took all my manhood and all my strength not to go all Hannibal Lecter on her today and eat her fucking heart... the only problem with that is I am not entirely convinced she has one...I cannot believe i once referred to that disgusting sow as the love of my life. all she has ever wanted to do is take my heart and soul and destroy it, If I'd walked away she wouldn't have had that opportunity but of course I'm not like that... you want to get rid of my beating heart, and everything i feel.. you'll have to fucking kill me... until then I am going to use every fucking resource i have and never Fucking stop fighting, the saddest part is what Friday is, but of course, I'll still celebrate... the countdown begins to 8 to ten years till he can make his own decisions and decide for himself wh

Why does it seem that even the darkest of my days in Windsor and other places that I always had hope and that this is the first real time I am starting to looking into the void and see the sum of my life that has always been predetermined by others staring back at me.. and there is nothingness... I am not the sum of my life's experiences I am merely a broken vessel shaped by others.... Welcome to the Matrix.. there is No control... I have constantly had my life's choices dictated to me by other's and anytime i try and take the power of my destiny back other's attempt to destroy me... I have been down before but it seems recently I am constantly down... The lack of sleep, the anger, the depression that nightmare dreams.... all of this haunts me.. the little bit of positivity I CAN PRODUCE only goes in one direction and One cause... And it's time for me to step up my fucking game on that matter, this will be yet another birthday and Christmas I miss, another cherishe

The patience level for things is not very high right now, and it's not going to be any clearer come tommorow or wednesday.. it's time to light a fire under some people's asses. As sick of fighting as am i know that i have to continue to fight and battle because without that I am nothing and the darkness that prevails in my life wins... I'm not happy that my life is this way, but it has made me a warrior and a fighter and I am not someone that will ever fucking back down. time to prove that to some people.... and let the chips fall where they may. Current Mood: Sad. It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up. Fight one more round. When your arms are so tired that you can hardly lift your hands to come on guard, fight one more round. When your nose is bleeding and your eyes are black and you are so tired that you wish your opponent would crack you one on the jaw and put you to sleep, fight one more round ? remembering that the man who always

I am getting a little sick of being judged and losing so called long time friends because I don't always agree with them or their lifestyles or personalities, I have something more important to protect than being the drunk asshole on the corner playing guitar these days. if i don't agree with your lifestyle, behaviors or actions I am going to mention something about, Esp. if that particular behavior Involves me or someone around me... or could cause drama or harm to that person around me... everyone makes their own decisions in this life, but when you affect others sometimes you have to be pushed to the wayside.. for the friends that have left because you can't handle me that's fine too.. i'm the same person i ever was, and I won't change.. you either like me or you don't.. accept me for who i am and what i stand for unconditionally or fuck off.. I'm not going to change to please anyone, I just get darker and angrier the more people i see who say they a

the patience level for everything that has happened this year and certain people involved in the case are completely NIL. I should be looking forward to the new year with anticipation for the holidays instead of dreading spending any time with anyone because a significant part of my soul and personality is missing, I'm sick of the fact that someone thinks so highly of her self and so low of me that she has to treat a child like a possession and play dangerous games just to destroy me. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger, and you probably should not injure what you cannot kill. I am once again stuck under multitudes of legal nonsense and red tape that accomplishes nothing in the end, because this will happen again and again and again, i just wish he didn't need to suffer through it as much as he has... it's never been about me and you, it's never going to be about me and you... the day you realize is the day you will realize what you have left behind... and t