Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

the patience level is NIL. I Have to get to a fucking point in my life where i start to break and kick down walls and change the world because no one is going to do it for me, I wish i could draw on the anger and resentment of the world that i had when was younger and the more i have to do without my child and the things i need Like A Job, for a normal fucking life the longer than anger and resentm,ent grows, How fucking sad is it that my life changed in one single night back in 2000, and the things that i did then for fun like busking I now have to do for fucking survival, even in university, i never had to busk to eat, I did it for fun, now i am doing it for my next fucking meal and a pack of cigarettes, I need to focus and clear my fucking name and make the Hell that has been created and get rid of it in my life, We are all reflective of our own choices, but i do Not deserve this, i shouldn't have to think everyday about my next move on the chess board because of how it will a

I am sick fo all the preparations i have to make for the upcoming battle, I'm sick of playing the scenes back and forth in my mind and trying to figure out what I did in this world to deserve this,I am sick of friends who come and go in my life with a sense of entitlement when the reality is they have never ever done anything for me, My last twelve years of life have been hell, and I myself allowed it to be that way, Some people around me need to take responsibility for their own actions or i will just walk away from them, i am starting to become extremely angry and bitter and It's nice when a friend who has been mooching off me for weeks decides he can afford to go to a bar.. must be nice... but i need to examine my head and see who and what i want in my life and who once again can go by the wayside, I am fighting for my life, my child and my livelihood, there are a lot of people in my life that i don't need around me because of behavior and maybe i need to think closely a

I am so sick of sitting stagnant in my life, it's time for another battle, another war, this is what my life is doomed to, any fleetibng moments of peace will be soon drowned out by war drums, I have to fight battles because there only way out is to win, If i just sit around and accept thigns as they are i will be destroyed both from within and from without.. ALl i can see around me right now is remorse and depression but it is time for a change, it's a time for me to get angry, it's time for me to use these self destructive feelings and skills that i have to defend myself and my child, I can't wait for the universe to right itself and fix the situation, I have to be fucking proactive and start making noise and start ripping holes in the fabric of other peoples reality...No remorse, Only the strong survive and am so much stronger than you and I can endure and weather any hell that may be thrown at me.... Current Mood: Depressed, Angry. You can kill me. You have the po

Do you know what it's like when you have no goals and no sense of determination, the fact that one is sitting stagnant and cannot improve on his life after years of self improvement and striving to a better place for the world, I am so sick of being torn down and watching the world move on without me...it's time for me to fight the battles and never fucking back down, Sitting around in apathy is not only stupid it's counterproductive. if i can't do anything immidatley i will continue to do what i can even if it means waiting... there is no place to go but up.... this is the hardest battle i will ever fight, but you'd have to kill me to keep me down... Current Mood: Tired. The revenge of the beaten comes in refusing to fall.

I am sick of sitting at home stagnant and waiting for my life to evolve into something else, I think this week i have to be proactive and start pushing some buttons and asking some questions, I can't sit around anymore waiting for my life to change, it's time for me to take control, instead of letting other's control the situation for me, their is only so long i can wallow in apathy and pretend like things are going to get fucking done. Current Mood: Determined. Fate is for those too weak to determine their own destiny.

I am seriously considering going away for a month and forgetting that this place exsists, I will attend to what i need to attend to in Niagara, and i think i am going to take my guitar, and go away for a few weeks to a month and find myself.. because i don't like the person I am here, and I was never this person when I was in windsor, it's like i have let myself grow stagnent and self destructive agian living down here, of course my truest destruction didn't come from myself, but that's a story for another time, i think i need to give myself a goal and follow thru, i'd rather be happy and surrounded by my freinds than miserable and alone here in hamilton, if i had the option i'd be gone in a minute, some careful planning and i'm gone for a few weeks. Current Mood: Positive. This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

I am sitting around and realizing to myself rather inpatiently that nothing will get done until I choose to do them, it doesn't matter how long I am patient or if any of the steps are in place, Soon one day when I have the opportunity it comes down to how i represent myself against the eternal damnation that has marked my life for the last year, it's time for battle... it's time to reach deep within my soul and get serious, I must use all this angry, all this hunger, and all this hate towards a positive goal or it will destroy me from the inside, I didn't choose to let go of ten years of my life for school just so that I could have my former partner destroy it within a few years, I need to stand strong and stop letting some of my so called controls in my mind define me... i think i need to get a little more viscous and show that this wolf has fangs... i have conquered my demons and they are a part of me, but i have no fucking problem exposing them and using them, hellfi

I am seriously getting to the fucking point where i am sick of Hamilton, what have I accomplished since I left Windsor? I am seriously thinking of just packing a bag and leaving this city for good with nothing more than my guitar... the lack of patience i have for the fact that my little world here is slowly becoming a prison and everything in my life is moving at the speed of slow...I don't feel anything, I can't see anything... there is no fucking point to me staying somewhere where I have become very stagnant, the only tommorow i see is elsewhere, Hamilton is just a battlefield, a place where most of my battles have been fought and lost, there was no point in coming back, it's pretty sad i can't even call it home... but of course manipulators get what they want, meanwhile I get to stay poor and lose everything.....If i'm going to wallow in shit and have nothing, what the fuck am i doing it here for, I can go home to Windsor and have my guitar and my friends and

This is not the way things are supposed to be, I should be enjoying this weather on this glorious week of my sons march break and just hanging out with him, there is no reason for the Hell i am currently experiencing to have gone on as long as it has, Obviously someone knew exactly how to strip from me everything that I am, You have destroyed my soul and destroyed my heart.. as whatever fire I had in my soul towards anything is melting away and is replaced by a cold darkness I can see that maybe one day in the future i will decide to make changes in my life and the chess pieces will fall and melt away, I am the servant of my own destruction but I will not leave this world before I make sure that Everything in this world that I can do, I have done. I will not sit around and feel sorry for myself when I know that it not I that has caused this pain, and i Will not bow to the whims of a world that simply does not control me, I am my destiny, You can only affect it for a little while, and

I slowly coming to realization that some of the people in my life are extremely negative and poisonous to my soul and it doesn't matter that a long time ago they were Once positive supports, at this point in my life with all the Chaos that constantly envelops it and all the battles i have to constantly fight, it's time for these bad influences in my fucking life to me no more, Friday was a huge example of this, I dislike when i go out of my way to do something for someone that i know we will both enjoy, when someone is so miserable at the fucking world that he ruins some of the moment by complaining and bitching, I could never be that miserable at the world, and I fucking hate my life right now... Of course I know that my demons and my hell in this world are not of my own making, and if it was not for one factor and one factor alone, my son, i would be In Windsor and i would not be alone, my life would have taken a different path, the fact that people around me are constantly

Tommorow is going to be a bittersweet day.. Once again I am going to a WWE event and the little person i would want to share that experience with me won't be there, It's just a reminder that i have to keep fighting so that in a little while he will be able to come do all the fun things as little guy and daddy that we like doing... pretty sure he'd get a kick out of Kane because he looks like a superhero, But their will be more opportunities... Doesn't make me miss him any less tho.... Current Mood: Sad. I’m of the phi­los­o­phy that so long as your actions don’t hurt any­one else, you should be free to be in con­trol of your lives.

There comes a time in your life when you start seeing things clearly and relaize that people that aren't their for you are merely an emotional drain on yourself and your resources and if they only come around when something is needed or to take advantage it's time to cut them loose..One of my biggest problems right now is i have far too many fucking people that are poison in my life andf having them as part of my life is no longer a viable option, it's people like these that should have been cut loose and left behind a long time ago... I Know the kind of person i am and why i keep having friendships and relationships with these emotionally damaged people, because i am emotionally damaged myself, But when push comes to shove, I had five great years in Windsor where i reinvented myself and my personality and the person they know isn't him and isn't me... I grew up a lot out there, and it's not surprising that aside from my most staunch supporters at my former emp

Another weekend spent angrily alone and brooding, but at least at this point there is some semblance of normality returning to my life and I can see a fucking light at the end of the tunnel of Hell, things are going to backfire on others.. at least one thing that happened this weekend was the fact that an unwelcome annoyance has departed for better shores, but who knows how long that will last, I like to be loyal to my friends but when someone is constantly fucking around and taking advantage i start to wonder what i am getting out of the relationship...I am more than annoyed by that particular chain of events but you know what it's water under the bridge i will just work it out with him, i just don't want to be a revolving door savior for people, that part of my life is over I've grown cold and I've grown angry...I'm No one's punching bag and I'm no One's wallet....you can't make a commitment and then say of I found something better and then fuck m

As expected today went absoluteley fucking nowhere in terms of forward movement but we did manage to get a little victory and salvage the day, as predictable as she is I now have yet another person who will not bet money on my predictions of her next move and/or stall tactic. this is a game to her and the only person it really affects is my little person. As long as i have patience and stay the road i will be fine, it's just fun to see the way things eventually turn out, the more you stall and play games the more you show your true face, in the end all you really are is a dark reflection of me and all my good attributes are currently outweighed by your savage needs and desires to not have me in your life... i have never understood your thirst for revenge and i problay never will, but i can keep a straight face in a long poker game... can you? Current Mood: Determined. Good lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge.