The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

This is not the way things are supposed to be, I should be enjoying this weather on this glorious week of my sons march break and just hanging out with him, there is no reason for the Hell i am currently experiencing to have gone on as long as it has, Obviously someone knew exactly how to strip from me everything that I am, You have destroyed my soul and destroyed my heart.. as whatever fire I had in my soul towards anything is melting away and is replaced by a cold darkness I can see that maybe one day in the future i will decide to make changes in my life and the chess pieces will fall and melt away, I am the servant of my own destruction but I will not leave this world before I make sure that Everything in this world that I can do, I have done. I will not sit around and feel sorry for myself when I know that it not I that has caused this pain, and i Will not bow to the whims of a world that simply does not control me, I am my destiny, You can only affect it for a little while, and then you will be exposed.. and things will return to normal.. whatever the fuck that is.... the hell you can provide for me is one that will one day come to haunt you more than it haunts me... I have long ago made peace and a place at the table for my demons, the longer you hide from yours and make me the fucking scapegoat the longer you will damage yourself, of course, it's already too late, because the day you find yourself wanting something from me i will have found you useless and wanting... and not worthy of consideration.

Current Mood: Depressed.
Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

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