The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

This is not the way things are supposed to be, I should be enjoying this weather on this glorious week of my sons march break and just hanging out with him, there is no reason for the Hell i am currently experiencing to have gone on as long as it has, Obviously someone knew exactly how to strip from me everything that I am, You have destroyed my soul and destroyed my heart.. as whatever fire I had in my soul towards anything is melting away and is replaced by a cold darkness I can see that maybe one day in the future i will decide to make changes in my life and the chess pieces will fall and melt away, I am the servant of my own destruction but I will not leave this world before I make sure that Everything in this world that I can do, I have done. I will not sit around and feel sorry for myself when I know that it not I that has caused this pain, and i Will not bow to the whims of a world that simply does not control me, I am my destiny, You can only affect it for a little while, and then you will be exposed.. and things will return to normal.. whatever the fuck that is.... the hell you can provide for me is one that will one day come to haunt you more than it haunts me... I have long ago made peace and a place at the table for my demons, the longer you hide from yours and make me the fucking scapegoat the longer you will damage yourself, of course, it's already too late, because the day you find yourself wanting something from me i will have found you useless and wanting... and not worthy of consideration.

Current Mood: Depressed.
Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

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