Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

I should be getting ready to take a little boy out for Halloween and dealing with the fun of dressing up like Darth Vader agian, this is the first year in three for whatever reason I am not going trick or treating... Only one Halloween has ever been spent with my son trick or treating that Isn't fair... the reality is I should be out tonight with the ghouls and goblins going door to door with my boy instead of sitting here facing a crossroads at this point of my life.. doors lead to nowhere and can lead elsewhere..But i'm not sure where I am going and what the next step is.. this day should be mine and his not another day for me to be worrying about what the future holds... Happy Halloween Little man... Current Mood: Sad. Clothes make a statement. Costumes tell a story

I am losing fucking pateince with the current situation, it's getting ridiclous having to deal with fucking asshole landlords who aren't looking for more than anything but a quick buck... This is not what i need in my life right now... it's so fucking easy for me to consider going to back to something that is safe and secure in another part of the world except for the fact i have responsibilkities here and I would rather not have my downward spiral of a life just turn into more shit by abandoning that... there is only the fact that their is nothing here for me that has me considering it... but What am I going to do? I am sick and tired of not having options, this isn't my fault.. i did the right thing when a weaker man would have cut and run and I am damned for it. Current Mood: Angry. No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they’d die for.

I am getting sick of waiting for my fucking life to change... If, and only If I have to do something drastic to change my life... and trust me I am considering it... I'd rather rule in Hell than be a prisoner of heaven anyways... sick of the bullshit here.. everything in fucking hamilton always turns to shit... I ams eriously thinking about packing it all up and going back to windsor... at the end of the fucking day does it really matter? there is only one fucking thing that roots me to southern ontario and it would be very easy for me to walk away.... in fact i never should have fucking came back in the first place... i would not have destroyed had i stayed surrounded where it was safe... instead I came back here and took responsibilty and that was the key to my destruction... of course I'll go Down fighting.. even if i lose... as always... No surrender, No giving up and No regrets... I am the man I always was.. No more and No less...And I have No fear..... Current Mood: Pis

Even in the worst darkness, sometimes small things can give hope.. and at this point I am at the end of my fucking rope.. but a new, possibly positive option has emerged and hopefully it will be very easy for me to deal with and I will have some of the light back in my life that the last month or so has taken away, Adversity is a great determinatior and I am very determined.. hopefully the great black void that is my current situation will be removed and i will have some available light this afternoon.. i'm just sick of searching and waiting for my life to continue without me... it's time for change. Current Mood: Hopeful, Determined. In life you need either inspiration or desperation.

I am losing fucking patience with the situation and everything around me... I do not like dealing with no shows and slum lords in Hamilton and am seriously considering saying fuck it and just throwing everything in storage for a month or so and disapeering away somewhere else..The Hamilton Experiment is for all intents and purposes over... there is no fucking reason i should have ever moved here.. it's realistically been a clusterfuck since day one and the only real thing of substance I had while i was hear was violently stripped away from me along with a lot more of exactly what defines me... I am losing patience with the situation and I am losing patience with people.. I don't like a feeling of being used and then forced out... I really don't like the fact that I'm backed into a corner again.. I am already locked into enough corner's.. you know what happens when a wild dog is leashed or trapped? he lashes out.. and I'm getting to a fucking boiling point... all

Anger and desperation can be good and terrible things, they can inspire a man and they can destroy a man.. it's a delicate balance choosing the right actions and the next chess move without destroying yourself and the things that you hold dear.. I could give into my emotions and the anger and the darkness or I can use that shit as fuel and let the fire fuel me into unbreakable iron and wait for the day when their is total inevitable victory, because I will settle for nothing less.. I have No fear of anyone In this world and if my experiences throughout my life and his have proven anything is that i will never ever back down, not for anything... every scar, every war wound.. every experience good or bad has brought me to this point... fuel of fire, anger and hate.. but it's up to me into which direction I send it... And trust me I send it in the right direction... I just don't allow the rage to control my actions... Current Mood: Angry, Dark. It was in that moment that I

What the Hell? I needed you a while back and you didn't bother, but suddenly you initiate contact and I'm supposed to care or give a damn.. you could have made a fucking difference when it meant something... but Now i don't know... this battle is so damn hard.. and make no fucking mistake as with everything in my life I am doing it alone with no fucking distraction from the fairer sex.... I'm just as messed up as you are.. but you know what I deal with it... i'm hurting so much right now.. more than you will ever know... you're presense here complicates things in my mind... I have to hold you at bay.. right now I can't afford emotional attachments or to be looking one or many steps behind... it's about who i am right now.. it's about being Who I am.. and always have been, It's about standing stall for who and what I believe in.... I can't look back.. and I won't... Even when I want to... At one's ultimate challenge and crucible you f

One of the most difficult things in my life was packing up my son's room last night and i nearly broke down doing so.. this not knowing what the next step is for any of this shit is killing me.... I have nowhere to go but to return to Windsor and that is a bigger self sacrifice than I am willing to make.. Life is about choices and this is a deadly chess game... one I will see thru to the end.. No matter the cost... I don't like the idea of an unknown future and I am becoming physically sick with the lack of options presented... and the fact that i may need to run away again and again... but I don't fear that... the only thing I fear is not doing the right thing and losing everything I have fought for so hard for the remainder of my life.. these fucking assholes may have put me one step behind but the time for reckoning is soon upon us.. I just have to make sure the other things in my life are exactly where the fuck that they are supposed to be.. and if that mean's not b

Sometimes i do think it would be easier just to fuck off to windsor and leave everything of my life here that i have built over the past 9 years behind... It's too much of a daily struggle.. I don't like arguments about moving when I am the one who is being forced to give up my safety and security because of your personal situation, I have rights and while i'm trying to make my exit as graceful and as fucking polite as i can make it without starting another battle... it's still annoying to hear a set date earlier than the one you have given me.. I am losing patience with the world.. with the whole fucking house hunt and with the city of hamilton. It would be very easy for me to completely disappear and throw everything in storage and just not give a fuck anymore... Victoria is also tempting as i would be able to start over, but doing that sacrifices the only fucking thing in my life that has any meaning anymore... I just wish this was as easier process i'm sick of l

I am sitting around angry watching everything in my life fall apart and just waiting for the next step... I am aggressive, I am take charge, I encounter my problems Head on.. waiting around for things i cannot affect or change on a daily basis sucks... waiting on answers and Having to wait eats a hole right inside of me... This is a battlefield, this is a war.. I need someone to fight.. too much time has been spent plotting against me and dealing with the an aftermath that has not yet come... I need to fight this battle head on and I can no longer satisfy myself by waiting of the vapor trails of future victory...I can't keep looking at the ghosts of my former life...It's time for some major changes in my life and while it would be easy to look backwards into Windsor and other places I've lived right now It's about being me.. it's about being the person I need to be right now and dealing with all this weight that has been placed on my shoulder's I'm not goin

The worst part of all of this is when there is a time of waiting... I can sit around in my own personal perguatory when I am waiting on answers, but knowing the answers are out there and the games is still being played and I am having a sleepless night due to the fact that I am waiting on the game to end is more than a little fucking frustrating... it's likes staring into the void and waiting on the next fucking step.. and waiting still.... I can glimpse the shores of hell anytime i want.. I'm already Damned for the One Sin I did not commit, but the things that makes the worst of it and makes all the more painful is the waiting. My demons can't destroy me, they make me stronger but the waiting on the answer.. that eats me up inside.... Current Mood: Waiting. The fact that most people don't believe in hell doesn't mean they won't end up there.

I don't know the next step, but I DO know that I am getting one step closer to it and that all the sacrifices of the last year and a half will eventually turn out to be worth it.. I just have to be strong like i have been standing and making it thru to the other side and not let the world fucking defeat me.... there's not much left for me in hamilton and it's time to seriously consider elsewhere, but the one thing that does drive me is always going to be a part of me and he is always going to drive my actions... I can survive anything towards that Goal. Current Mood: Determined. The treachery of demons is nothing compared to the betrayal of an angel.

I can sit around and wallow in self pity and depression about everything going on in my life, but instead I am using the fire and Flames to forge me into iron... I keep going ahead with the strength of a thousand men because I know fighting and never backing down is better than being consumed by hatred and disillusion and depressions.. I'm not other people... I won't be destroyed because of the fact my life has changed.. I will answer the call I will fight and I will survive... I look around and see people who are to blame for their situations and they are wallowing... I can't feel sorry for them because I do not feel sorry for myself.. Every sad story, every Cryful tear.. you know what I got a story to match... It's up to you what you do with your life and how you answer when you are struck down and adversity strikes and people try and destroy you... I've been destroyed, yet from the wreckage i stand, taller than I ever was before. Current Mood: Determined. I am

I can be Angry one day and totally depressed and In the dumps about my situation and within minutes or hours i can turn that around and make it a positive and manipulate the situation to my advantage, My anger motivates me.. it will give me fuel to survive and do what I need... there are levels I am willing to take to survive and Some might not always agree with my choices but at this point the options are there that can be more beneificial than a nuclear option, but i still have that in my back pocket if all else fails... the only reason i'd go for that one is knowing that I have secruity.. at this point there are several options and i just need to be angry, use it for fire in my belly and Make a good decision, for the moment... some times it's gotta be about me... Current Mood: Determined. I think, when one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable like... like old leather. And finally... it becomes so familiar that one can't

I am getting really fucking fed up with the government In this country, every agency seems to have contradictory rules and regulations that they fuck people up with, there is a reason that people cannot escape poverty in this province because it's a system of keeping people down, under their thumbs.... their is no escape... I have seen this professionally and personally and it sucks.... their is no place for anyone in this world except for the chosen elite and I am sick of it.. I can go from sad to happy about my circumstances in life in the period of a few fucking minutes and that's not fair because i know the rules.. and the truth is... i will fight for what i have to.. for what i believe but it is getting so damned hard to when i know their are easier options. it's a pen stroke and one petty idiots pen stroke that affects those decisions... it's not like could be any worse... I've already had my life, my heart and career destroyed by one petty, vindictive person.

There is currently time to focus on the future and start making changes in my life... somewhat forcefully i have been forced to confront the next move and deal with what must come next in my life, There are options I just need to decide what those options are, Today I made a huge decision and a Huge move forward in getting my police clerance so some of the lingering questions that remain can be resolved, I intend to go back to work and deal with my life.. I may advoid certain sectors till this is all said and done but you know what I'd rather be an Noble Demon working with populations i can help than Be sitting at home Drowning In apathy, Waiting... Current Mood: Determined. I have maintained an extreme level of anger and solitude over periods of my life...And in doing so I've developed into a devil...So in order to know me is to accept an angelic demon.

I am getting more than a little impatient with the housing market around here, there are way too many slumlords and scam artists and advertising a one bedroom apartment when in reality you are renting a room is a waste of my time and energy to go look at, responding to me and having me come look at a place and then no response afterwards good or bad is also frustrating.. I have an option, it's a nuclear one.. but it would be very easy for me to pick up a truck and leave Central Ontario behind and go Home... but it's a nuclear option because what's important is located here.. the only reason for all the sacrifices, the reason my stomach grumbles more than it should, the reason everything i have is me just sitting waiting for whatever the next step may be... It's very hard for me to go to the next step when the current step has left me behind with nothing.. I know why I am doing this, I know why I am sacrificing but some days it's so damn hard to keep going because it

My life may be coming apart, But it is clear to me after other's actions yesterday that I am not alone in that, and that the way you behave towards people may have an everlasting effect upon everyone around you... I hope I am never that miserable and never see the world as somewhere where it has to be a certain way.. i get it.. the world is crumbling around and you are struggling for some semblance of order... but the truth is you don't treat friends and family trying to help you in that way, I can't and won't take sides... even tho this whole thing is resulting in me losing my home and security of the last three years toooo.. this was my home as well... but a little respect goes a long way for a reason And i don't like being treated like dogshit... I can be an asshole too but out of respect I was not... Things are clearer now and I am less angry about the situation even tho I am still as torn up about the situation, but I know how to deal with adversity and changes

I am getting very frustrated by the apartment hunting, their are way too many scam artists and people that just want to turn a buck out there.... every place i have looked at so far is a shit hole... I am just looking for permanence in my life.. This kind of shit makes windsor look very entincing... I had permanence there, ther eis only one thing i would have to give up here to go back and that's the one thing i will not sacrifice no matter the cost.. but i am very frustrated to what's going in my life right now... I wish i could just cralw into a hole and forget the world exsists for a little while.. but no I gotta be one of those people with a huge backbone and never give up, never say die attitude and face things head on, head strong, stubbornly as always... I'm frustrated but that's inconsiqutial to the situation. Current Mood: Depressed. Persons who have been homeless carry within them a certain philosophy of life which makes them apprehensive about ownership.

There is a time a place for patience and a time and place for change.. I don't like the fact that I have to change things and move but that is the reality of the world, and as bad as I am hurting can't imagine what it's like for another family that had a strong cornerstone behind it to be crumbling... I respect these people very much.. they gave me and mine a home for a very long time.. I can't imagine how much they are hurting... It's just a change in a life full of them for me.. but for them this has got to be the end of their worlds.. and my heart reaches out for them... my own pain aside... Current mood: Sad. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.