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I am losing fucking patience with the situation and everything around me... I do not like dealing with no shows and slum lords in Hamilton and am seriously considering saying fuck it and just throwing everything in storage for a month or so and disapeering away somewhere else..The Hamilton Experiment is for all intents and purposes over... there is no fucking reason i should have ever moved here.. it's realistically been a clusterfuck since day one and the only real thing of substance I had while i was hear was violently stripped away from me along with a lot more of exactly what defines me... I am losing patience with the situation and I am losing patience with people.. I don't like a feeling of being used and then forced out... I really don't like the fact that I'm backed into a corner again.. I am already locked into enough corner's.. you know what happens when a wild dog is leashed or trapped? he lashes out.. and I'm getting to a fucking boiling point... all I want is the security i have had for the last three years again.. i'm sick of starving and not knowing where my next place i'm gonna sleep will be much less my next meal... I'm just so sick of everything.. I deserve better.. I do not deserve this life.. and If it hadn't been for someone else.. I would have more options than I currently do...

Current Mood: Angry.
Some people would tell you that I'm crazy. They would be wrong. It's not crazy when the state of the world makes you want to kill everyone responsible. It's crazy when it doesn't.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

Nikk's Blog of doom!!!

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