Return to Big Nothing VI

I am losing fucking patience with the situation and everything around me... I do not like dealing with no shows and slum lords in Hamilton and am seriously considering saying fuck it and just throwing everything in storage for a month or so and disapeering away somewhere else..The Hamilton Experiment is for all intents and purposes over... there is no fucking reason i should have ever moved here.. it's realistically been a clusterfuck since day one and the only real thing of substance I had while i was hear was violently stripped away from me along with a lot more of exactly what defines me... I am losing patience with the situation and I am losing patience with people.. I don't like a feeling of being used and then forced out... I really don't like the fact that I'm backed into a corner again.. I am already locked into enough corner's.. you know what happens when a wild dog is leashed or trapped? he lashes out.. and I'm getting to a fucking boiling point... all I want is the security i have had for the last three years again.. i'm sick of starving and not knowing where my next place i'm gonna sleep will be much less my next meal... I'm just so sick of everything.. I deserve better.. I do not deserve this life.. and If it hadn't been for someone else.. I would have more options than I currently do...

Current Mood: Angry.
Some people would tell you that I'm crazy. They would be wrong. It's not crazy when the state of the world makes you want to kill everyone responsible. It's crazy when it doesn't.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

The Threat.

I an not a nice person. I am not polite or nice. I am scary and intimidating and I draw power from that fact. You fuck with the people I love and hurt them, I’m going to damage you in kind. I want people afraid of me. It means I’m respected. It means you’re intimidated. I would rather be horrifying damaged and leave with nothing if it gives me the power and the freedom to protect my friend’s and family. Keep in mind a man with nothing to lose once had everything slip thru his fingers. And I have no fucking problem being a threat, to you, to my enemies, to society. You name it. I simply don’t care. The best defence has always been to confront and attack whatever the source of the problem. It hasn’t always brought me victory but at some point it’s brought me peace knowing that I’ve never backed down or done anything to hurt anyone. Just responded to what has happened to me and the ones I love. You don’t want to be my enemy. It’s a bad place to be. And once you are marked as su...

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

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