From the Ashes II: The Dark Phoenix

My life may be coming apart, But it is clear to me after other's actions yesterday that I am not alone in that, and that the way you behave towards people may have an everlasting effect upon everyone around you... I hope I am never that miserable and never see the world as somewhere where it has to be a certain way.. i get it.. the world is crumbling around and you are struggling for some semblance of order... but the truth is you don't treat friends and family trying to help you in that way, I can't and won't take sides... even tho this whole thing is resulting in me losing my home and security of the last three years toooo.. this was my home as well... but a little respect goes a long way for a reason And i don't like being treated like dogshit... I can be an asshole too but out of respect I was not... Things are clearer now and I am less angry about the situation even tho I am still as torn up about the situation, but I know how to deal with adversity and changes constantly coming at me in my life like Bullet's rapid fire... i can deal I have defense mechanisms and safety shields in place to protect me and my child...this is why I am not the most trustful person and It is hard to let anyone in to become a friend... I am too used to too often being betrayed.. this is why Windsor is currently a serious consideration... I have peace there... I have people other than family that have my back..not bound by blood but by friendship.. I have options and I would rather examine all of them than get miserable in my situation and just let that dark energy consume me.

Current Mood: Not Amused.
Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Franco Un-American.

I hate everyone. I just pretend I don’t because I’m chasing this false inner peace, thats being constantly eroded by outsiders. I am happy, I was at peace. But I do see my country and more importantly my city for what it’s for and I’m getting angry again. Maybe I do need to be angry. Maybe I do need to rebel. Maybe I do need to speak out despite the fact that it can be used against me and hurt those I love. Nothing fucking new to me. This apathy has gotten me nowhere, this trying to be at peace was working but maybe I need to be angry, maybe I need to rail agianst the things that once were right have now went wrong. This isn’t a world I want my child growing up in, and he’s grown. But this isn’t the world I promised him. This is something else. This city wants to pick a fight with me? Cool, I know what busybody bitch it is. Don’t think I will tolerate any threats to those that I care for or myself. You want to fucking start a war? Maybe it’s time for me to be angry again.

Someone Like You.

I know there are aspects of me, my personality and my life that you still like. It’s why you had my child and no one else’s. But I don’t colour within the lines enough for you to settle down with. That’s been acknowledged for two fucking decades. He’s an adult. I don’t need to answer to anyone anymore in my life. I wasted years fighting you when I should have been fixing you. But those moments are over. All of our moments are over. I don’t even need to be angry. I just need to be. You and I are toxic. I’m better off without you in my life. It’s a little less toxic when I’m the only one on the boat. Only the captain goes down with the ship. I’ve always known i would die alone anyhow. No family, no friend’s, no real accomplishments to my life. I wrote that line almost 30 years ago. Self fulfilling prophecy. At least that way when I implode no one gets hurts. I was a fool to think otherwise. I’ve left too much damage in my path. I just want to be happy and at peace whatev...

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