....The Devil You Don't.

One of the most difficult things in my life was packing up my son's room last night and i nearly broke down doing so.. this not knowing what the next step is for any of this shit is killing me.... I have nowhere to go but to return to Windsor and that is a bigger self sacrifice than I am willing to make.. Life is about choices and this is a deadly chess game... one I will see thru to the end.. No matter the cost... I don't like the idea of an unknown future and I am becoming physically sick with the lack of options presented... and the fact that i may need to run away again and again... but I don't fear that... the only thing I fear is not doing the right thing and losing everything I have fought for so hard for the remainder of my life.. these fucking assholes may have put me one step behind but the time for reckoning is soon upon us.. I just have to make sure the other things in my life are exactly where the fuck that they are supposed to be.. and if that mean's not backing down or going into even more seclusion then that's the choice I make... I'm not sure the next step, and it's becoming difficult to figure that out... I know what I'd like it to be but at this point all i'm doing is staring into a very dark void.. one that threatens to consume me.

Current Mood: Depressed.
When your darkness controls you, it becomes your weakness. When you wear it like armour, wield it like a weapon, it becomes your strength.

Comments

Cowabunga.

Back to the job search i go... not really anything to do right now but play turtles smash up and watch tv so i decided to wander downtown and look for a job. I am feeling really good at the moment and trying to ride this positive feeling as long as it lasts and not let anything get me down. Current Mood: Positive. Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.

Bad Man.

I am not a good man, I tell people straight out that I’m not a good person. I know I’m toxic. But I embrace being the villain and being the bad guy. Being feared is better than being loved because at least that way you respect me. When it comes to someone I care about and have a responsibility to, I will always choose them over others fucking bullshit and drama. This isn’t a choice. This is my life. Period. I live it every damn day. I’m not Making any other choices. I will always choose those that I care about over people that are merely in orbit in my life and if you give me a reason to fucking doubt you? I will give u a reason to fucking fear me. I’m just fed up, my world doesn’t need complications. My peace and my piece of mind doesn’t need complications. I have enough of those I struggle against in my personal life. This is the end game, and the end times. I deserve to be fucking happy. No one is getting in the fucking way of that. Period.

The Remedy

I am reminded when I need someone how truly alone I am in this world. Because for as much as I am the constant and the shoulder to cry on. The same respect isn’t accorded to me, obviously. It hasn’t been in years. This is why I have never and will never need you. I don’t need anyone. Especially when I am fucking hurting over a lost freind. I hurt, I get to do that. I’m fine with that. I process and move on. I spend a couple days where I block out the world and keep going but I’m fine. I don’t accord anyone I don’t trust or respect the time of day. It’s not about who it is. I’ll willing burn a bridge im fucking standing on if it means I take you with me if I see you as my enemy. I’m on a quest for peace, anything that gets in the way of that or causes turmoil in my life can get the fuck out of my way or become ash, because I will go the fuck thru you. Affect my responsibilities in my life, I will accord the same respect you do to them, I don’t mind being a blunt instrum...

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