....The Devil You Don't.

One of the most difficult things in my life was packing up my son's room last night and i nearly broke down doing so.. this not knowing what the next step is for any of this shit is killing me.... I have nowhere to go but to return to Windsor and that is a bigger self sacrifice than I am willing to make.. Life is about choices and this is a deadly chess game... one I will see thru to the end.. No matter the cost... I don't like the idea of an unknown future and I am becoming physically sick with the lack of options presented... and the fact that i may need to run away again and again... but I don't fear that... the only thing I fear is not doing the right thing and losing everything I have fought for so hard for the remainder of my life.. these fucking assholes may have put me one step behind but the time for reckoning is soon upon us.. I just have to make sure the other things in my life are exactly where the fuck that they are supposed to be.. and if that mean's not backing down or going into even more seclusion then that's the choice I make... I'm not sure the next step, and it's becoming difficult to figure that out... I know what I'd like it to be but at this point all i'm doing is staring into a very dark void.. one that threatens to consume me.

Current Mood: Depressed.
When your darkness controls you, it becomes your weakness. When you wear it like armour, wield it like a weapon, it becomes your strength.

Comments

The Laugh Track.

I want you in my life. Don't ever fucking confuse that for needing you in my life. Those two things are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm fine with my life and it's not my freind's and my social life that I'm jealous of. We both made our choices. My life has always been an insane carnival. You were merely an extended chapter. But if you think I'm going to sit at home being sad and depressed and shutting down because your not in my life. Your delusional. Then agian we already know this. If my life is going to be a sad comedy then I'll make it a metal massacre. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone. The least of all you. I sacrificed enough time on the altar of what might have been. I'm just enjoying the time that we have left. This way if it go out, it's on my own terms. I always told you that my funeral pyre will be a blaze of glory.. I just never told you when. Now I'm gonna live and have adventures. Remain jealous. You know how ...

Father and Son.

I dont know the next step. I don't claim to. I just know I'm working to rebuild a relationship that has been fractured for many years. That includes both of you. I am here. I will always be here, I have always been here that will never change This weekend was epic and it felt right. I don't know what will happen but i do know that I am at peace with being civil and polite with your mom. It was nice to have a little adventure as a family. It felt right. It what was missing in our lives. Thank you.

The Trees.

I am really bothered by someone hurting my tree. I’m not sure the next step but that’s a living thing. I know that there is no healing when our things are still affected negatively by people. I’m not sure what the next step is but I know this is part and parcel of the entire thing and that we can’t heal when people hurt the things we care about. I don’t have much but I do have a legacy to protect and there is a place where my son needs to feel safe, and I don’t think it will ever be that house agian. But once it was home, there are good memories there. There was love. Part of that is the peace that was our tree. I’m sick of people damaging the things I love. The world needs to be better and less selfish. I need peace in mine and her lives. Even if we are separate in our lives. She needs the peace and quiet I have in my life. Even more than I do. And only one of us has it.

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